Good communication is the cornerstone of happy relationships. Learn how to talk and listen successfully

We all know good communication is at the heart of every good relationship. Whether it's been a wonderful or a rotten day, whether there's been a crisis or a triumph, sharing it in words makes you and your partner feel more understood, more appreciated, more loved. The ability to communicate well is the most important relationship skill of all.

Here are five foolproof lessons to help you both talk and listen effectively and conquer bad communication habits for good.

Lesson One: listen well
Though you probably listen to your partner a lot, do you listen effectively? Half-hearted attention, with one eye on the kids or EastEnders, is often worse than not listening at all because it comes across as if you're not interested. Instead:

• Set aside ten or twenty minutes with each other every day to 'update'. If you have a busy life, it can seem like time wasted, but make sure concerns are aired and you understand each other. It really can avoid problems down the line.

• When you are listening, aim to make your partner the centre of attention. Turn to him, look at him, and put other thoughts aside until he's finished speaking.

• Use positive body language to acknowledge what he's saying with a nod or a smile. He'll feel appreciated and therefore more likely to listen to you.

• To show you've listened, repeat back what you've heard or ask a focussed question. This shows him you understand and sympathise.

Lesson Two: know how to talk
Though you may talk to your partner a lot, do you talk effectively?

Women and men's talking styles are very different. They can glaze over if we bombard them with too much talk.

• Don't ramble on, giving him a sort of 'stream of consciousness' of how you think and feel. Talk in bite-sized chunks so he can take his turn and digest what you're saying.

• Keep 'checking in', noticing his body language to find out whether he's still involved in what you're saying. If he seems distracted, it may be he's just confused. So make your point again a different way.

• If you're talking about something emotional or intimate that might stress him, cut out distractions, such as children or the family dog. Then move in close and touch. He'll relax and be more able to interact with you.

• Don't be put off if he rushes in with a solution before you're ready. Women need to talk round a problem, and explore their feelings about it. Men feel better going straight for the action. His 'fix it' comment means he wants to help, wants to sort things out so you don't feel bad any more.

• Show him how to listen. Show him just how loved you feel when he keeps eye contact as you talk; when he responds to what you say; when he asks you questions. Tell him particularly when his good listening gets a result, when it helps you make the right decision or feel more positive about a situation.

• Show him how to talk, particularly about sensitive issues. Look out for his signals of wanting to confide - a broody silence, more hugs than usual, seeming irritable. When you spot these signs, give him space to express himself and he'll slowly learn that opening up is a positive thing to do.

Lesson Four: break your bad habits.
So often, even if you know the basics, you can get into bad communication habits with your partner. Put at least one of these tips into practice every day over the next month and you'll clean up your communication by at least 500 per cent!

• If you consistently talk about yourself, he will feel pushed out. Break the habit by asking more questions.

• If you use closed body language, he will feel rejected. Break the habit by deliberately uncrossing your arms and legs, and smiling more.

• If you keep interrupting, he will feel unheard. Break the habit by learning his signals for 'it's your turn now' - such as slowing down, looking at you, gesturing you to speak. Then only speaking when he offers those.

• If you keep answering for him when he's asked a question, he will quite rightly object. Break the habit by agreeing a signal or code word that he can use to 'nudge' you if you're starting to do this.

• If you carry on communicating when you are irritated, you'll end up irritating him too. Break the habit - and avoid rows - by taking at least 20 minutes apart before carrying on the conversation.

Sometimes, communicating will actually make things worse. If there's a crisis, a rush, or you're both tired, cranky or drunk, you don't have time to talk and if you did, it would only up the ante. So do the sensible thing and wait. Agreeing that you will touch down that evening, or tomorrow is a much better deal, because then you can communicate calmly, lovingly and with all the time in the world.

Do any of these communication lessons hit a raw nerve? Tell us about it on the The highs and lows of being a couple message board.