It's that time of year again... I'm referring, of course, to that special season when mature professionals get completely plastered and grapple with their boss by the fire escape. When usually sensible employees take to tabletops and gyrate, Madonna-style, to Like a Virgin in front of their swaying colleagues.
If, unlike me, you've never knocked back a flagon of freebie champers and then, hanging on to your fellow worker's shoulder, earnestly slurred heartfelt compliments and declarations of your undying admiration, then you must have been witness to such shenanigans.
Enjoy the convivial ambiance and sophisticated interaction
Like good music and S Club 7, alcohol and work colleagues en masse don'tmix. Throw in a cheesy cover band, or a dodgy disco, and ties wrapped around heads and Christmas tree baubles hanging from ears will undoubtedly follow.
Leave with fond memories
Sam Braintree, 28, remembers with horror a Christmas do from a previous job with a marketing company: 'I must've overdone it because I woke up the next morning slumped on my workmate's bathroom floor with ladders in my tights. My friend informed me that I'd dragged half the male workforce under the mistletoe then fallen asleep in the corner, before being bundled into a cab. I was mortified.'
Face it; we are only flesh and blood, so there's no real shame in a bit of outrageous behaviour now and again. But be warned, if you value your dignity there's no riskier time than the festive season. Believe me, I know from personal experience. If I had a quid for the amount of times I've made myself the prize turkey at a work Christmas party I'd have enough cash to buy Lapland.
Conduct yourself with the utmost decorum and display your finery
Bryony Reece, a 30-year-old fashion executive from London certainly livened things up at her Chrissie work do last year: 'I'm not normally a big drinker but I must've downed more than a bottle of wine. I asked this bloke I've always fancied to dance, but I was so wrecked I fell over forwards and flashed my arse. The worst thing was, I was wearing a glittery thong under my miniscule skirt.'
Pick a man your equal
It's not only us girls who can't take their drink. I can still vividly picture a usually refined male colleague of mine from a few years back careering, nose first across the nightclub floor before sprawling in a heap, scattering revellers left and right. Making a prat of yourself doesn't take special talent. Anyone can do it.
Take your cue from classic films
Louise Lang, a writer, is a seasoned professional when it comes to such exploits. She cringes when she looks back at one of her Christmas work bashes: 'I decided to do a dirty dance, on my own, rubbing up against a pillar in front of everyone. I didn't take any clothes off but someone recorded it for posterity.'
Although it may very well be the reason, blaming alcohol doesn't always get you off the hook and the sniggering from colleagues could follow you down your office corridors for months afterwards - depending on the severity of your Christmas clanger. If you just dropped a plate of cheese sandwiches down your trousers it'll be quickly forgotten, but if your faux pas involved the airing of body parts or anything remotely debauched then be prepared for the backlash. Humiliating photos and mickey-taking of the highest degree are sure to follow.
Don't despair; there are several ways to step off the road to shame this festive season. Here are some helpful tips you will undoubtedly ignore:
- Don't drink.
- Well, don't drink too much then.
- OK, OK, don't drink hard liquor or anything you're not used to.
- Insist all cameras are banned.
- Wear something sensible.
- Avoid high heels.
- Keep well away from the opposite sex.
- If you don't trust yourself , stay at home and watch Morcambe and Wise. You may miss out on all the fun but at least you won't have to wear a wig, dark glasses and a false nose to work for the whole of next year.