The terrible twos may be notorious but they’re not the only culprits. Coram Family take on tantrums

Picture it – a small person in a rage has run out of words and resorted to yelling, stamping feet, and then, inevitably, the full body fling onto the floor. The parent may be calm(ish), or embarrassed by an audience of strangers or disapproving relatives. If you take the line that your toddler ‘can’t be allowed to get away with it’, you risk getting drawn into the power battle. The whole thing spirals out of control and ends in an undignified furore.

Handling tantrums needs bucketloads of patience, a willingness to see situations from your child’s perspective and the skill to screen out your audience.

What provokes tantrums?

When they’re young, children don’t have the language skills to argue effectively so they lose their temper through sheer frustration.

• Some tantrums build up because children can sense their parent is undecided over sweets or buying yet another plastic collectible figure. Children are less likely to try tantrums as a tactic if experience tells them that you’re firm but friendly. ‘Chocolate bars are not on offer’ does not mean: ‘Maybe if you whinge at me’.
• When tantrums arise from distress, children need comfort and security. A two-year-old can’t explain that she has tried to build this tower for ages and it keeps falling over and it’s not fair. So, she throws the bricks across the room. She needs reassuring arms, not harsh words. When things are calmer, you can discourage brick throwing and she’ll learn from you that it’s OK to be cross, but it’s not OK to throw bricks. The important thing is to say it rather than shout it and that applies to you as well as your child.
• Some tantrums arise because children are confused and can’t adjust to change quickly. Try to forewarn them by saying: ‘We’re going home after this cartoon has finished’. Or help them to look ahead with: ‘We just have to go to the chemists and then we can get your books from the library’. Be fair and don’t push your luck. If your child has been patient in four shops, is it really necessary to carry on into a fifth and sixth?
• Children benefit from consistency and adults who abide by their own ground rules. For instance, it’s no use being very firm about bedtime routines some evenings and laid back on others, just because it suits you.
• Say ‘sorry’ if you’ve been a twit. Children respond well when a grown-up acknowledges they’ve been wrong. They see that it’s normal and OK to apologise, and that nobody’s perfect. All parents overreact sometimes: you can draw up battle lines over something trivial like finishing a meal and then live to regret the fight that ensued. Set your boundaries over issues that really matter.

• Offering a compromise is a good option. You’re not giving into a child if you offer alternatives or recognise that they have a point. Children do not become uncontrollable when adults show they have listened. Just the opposite, they feel like co-operating because they see life is even-handed.

Once children are well into a tantrum, they are beyond reason. Sometimes you can see one building and you may be able to distract or deflect them in some way. If not:

• Calming words from you will have an effect, although it’s the tone of what you say in a steady voice rather than the actual words.
• Do your level best to avoid shouting. It doesn’t help and actually means that two of you are having a tantrum. When parents persist in a confrontational approach, refusing to compromise and getting as angry as the children, matters swiftly get out of hand. You are giving a bad example about temper to your children and may actually frighten them. Alternatively, some children rise to the challenge, get even angrier and may even relish the power battle with the adult.
• Cuddle your child if the tantrum is more distress and confusion than anything else. He wants to hear your calm voice telling him, ‘I can hear you’re upset’ and ‘It’s alright, we’ll see what we can do.’
• Try not to react to an audience if you have one. Certainly don’t be harsh just to show another adult that you are be in charge.
• Certainly, don’t hit or slap children who are in a tantrum. Hold them if need be or use a loud hand clap to try to get their attention. Adults who hit children are using their superior strength in an oppressive way. They are also setting a bad example to the children who are probably told on other occasions not to hit people.
• Sometimes children can go completely beyond themselves and are not at all responsive to calm words or redirection. You may need to hold them in your arms, especially if they are likely to hurt themselves. Alternatively, sometimes it is safe to let a furious child thrash it out on the floor – but stay close and be ready to move in as they calm down.
• Sometimes your best option is to carry your child out of the immediate situation to somewhere quieter.

If your child regularly throws a wobbly in a particular situation, then you may need to stop going on particular treats on a temporary basis. Let’s say that your three-year-old likes to go to a story session in the library but then gets furious and refuses to leave when the session ends. You can explain: ‘We can come to the story session but we have to leave right away when it finishes. If you get cross like this, then it’s no more story time.’

Perhaps leave it a few weeks and then say, ‘Shall we try again? You remember we have to go as soon as the story ends?’

In the end children will respond to a consistent, affectionate approach and they’ll learn to deal with frustration, anger and confusion if you stick to the boundaries you’ve established.

Sometimes, it’s you who needs to calm down after a tantrum. The incident may be over as far as your child is concerned but you may still be steaming. Count to ten, have a cup of coffee – whatever helps you to settle back below simmer level. But, whatever you do, don’t brood over it or keep revisiting it with your child. It will only escalate the problem.