Even the wisest of women tend to wait for a crisis before seeking out a mentor. That’s because we women are used to being on the giving end of caring relationships. After all, it’s part of our make-up. In our private relationships we comfort others. In the big wide patriarchal world of organisations, it’s different; we have to fit the masculine mould.

‘Why organisations spend so much time wanting half their work force to be like men, instead of really getting the benefit of the energy women bring to work, is beyond me – except of course that men are fundamentally frightened of women at work,’ says Dr. Paul Brown, consulting organisational & clinical psychologist.

In search of a mentor
If you are lucky, someone senior to you within your organisation or profession will offer to serve as your mentor. For men this is a common occurrence. For women this opportunity is less likely to present itself. Women who get to the top (of a department, or a firm, or become Prime Minister) by acting like men are likely to be very protective of their turf. Don’t approach that kind of a woman as a mentor. Find one who knows what it means to be a real woman, managing authority, power and other organisational resources.

Men on top typically elect to mentor men. Like many organisational women, Sarah had a difficult job finding the right mentor.

'They’d organised a mentoring programme, brought in five male mentors, and of course the chosen few to benefit were the men themselves. So I set about trying to find someone in the outside world unconnected to the organisation. I was put in touch with a ‘professional executive mentor’ but quickly realised this was not quite the relationship I had in mind.'

This executive mentor was pursuing her own agenda.

'When she heard the name of my organisation her eyes lit up; she suggested that I arrange a meeting with my director so that she could sell in her services. The next time, she mainly talked about herself; I knew it was time to move on.'

What does it take to be mentored?
Sarah contacted a friend who put her in touch with an organisational psychologist.

'I knew I’d found the right person. She was wise and warm but very challenging.'

It’s the relationship. You’ve actually got to like the person. Respect is pretty important too.

'I really trusted her judgement.'

It takes trust. You’re going to be revealing masses about yourself, so you need to be sure this is someone you can trust.

'Over the next year we met once a month.'

It takes time. Commit yourself. Change doesn’t happen overnight.

'She set writing and reading projects and I learned new ways of thinking and expressing myself.'

Make it a team effort. You’ll have to work hard and co-operate and take an active part in the mentoring process. If you’re set assignments, find time to do them.

'There were times when I found her criticism hard to take – it wasn’t easy.'

Don’t take it personally. Your mentor is obliged to be your best critic and you’re obliged to take criticism with good spirit.

'Together we grappled over how I might better manage male colleagues without being like them.'

If it feels funny, try it anyway. Take up challenges. Be courageous, take risks, and be willing to stumble and fall.

'She insisted we work out a long-term game plan.'

Stop, look and listen. You’re working with this person because they have some important things to tell you about yourself. So listen carefully and you’ll pick up some gems.

'I have a wonderful husband and two children. I realised that over the next five years, what I wanted was time to enjoy my family, while still pursuing a career; so stepping up the corporate ladder would have to be slower than I’d planned. But that’s okay. At the end of the year I was thrilled to get a promotion; six months later I was delighted to turn down the next. So it’s all had a happy ending, really.'

Open up. The idea is to be honest. Reveal yourself, warts and all. If you’re always trying to impress, you’ll learn nothing.