Boasting about your sex life can leave friends whimpering, according to Fiona Gibson

The answerphone clicks into action. My friend Suzie babbles, ‘Call me back. I have something amazing to tell you.’

I don’t need to return Suzie’s call to discover what kind of amazing she means. I assume, rather wearily, that we are talking sex in interesting locations – perhaps on a kitchen appliance or two – plus several body-trembling orgasms and some mention of ice cubes, fromage frais or feather boas.

It goes without saying that Suzie is in a new relationship. She is at that whoops-my-clothes-fell-off-again stage when you phone in sick at work (for ‘dodgy seafood’ read: cannot bear to get out of bed with my luscious new boyfriend still in it). New lover is naturally considerate yet wildly adventurous – and would you believe what this guy can do with his tongue?

Ok. Enough already. There is something about someone else’s icky details that make you feel like the shifty voyeur. You see, my friend is a sex bragger. And while her current squeeze is an A grade lover, so was the guy who preceded him, and the one before that. Sex braggers are indiscriminate in their praise. Everyone they shack up with has the stamina of a bison. When I hear such nuggets, I don’t know whether to whimper, ‘Lucky you’, or sink into despair, aware that my sex life doesn’t match up. For one thing, I never have ice cubes when I need them.

The irksome thing about these friends is that, unintentionally or otherwise, they make you feel lousy. Friends aren’t supposed to do that. Yet it’s hard not to feel inadequate when their sex life is champagne fizz (even on a weeknight) while yours is Coca-Cola with the top left off. They remind you how much they’re getting (‘I can hardly walk this morning!’); you can’t help wishing that the damn bloke would be struck by some erectile difficulty.

In saner moments, we know that sex braggers are either fibbing or exaggerating wildly. It’s useful to bear in mind that we are hearing edited highlights; no one boasts about ordinary, everyday sex with the lights off (which is, let’s face it, what most long-term relationship sex is like). And, if you scratch beneath the layer of titillation, sex braggers rarely seem happy with their lot.

Take my former colleague. I dreaded her daily outpouring of fruity antics until it occurred to me that, after an initial flurry of Technicolor activity, each relationship fizzled out. Of course she had plenty to boast about: she was permanently in a new relationship, when there’s heaps to show off about. It’s trickier to conjure up spicy details if you’ve been with your partner for 17 years and would terrify the life out of him if you happened to wear a pair of saucy pants. Yet this is what my colleague wanted: a predictable, long-term thing. Several times I heard her spit, ‘He’s only interested in sex. He’ll only give me his mobile number, for God’s sake.’

So why brag? Pamela Curwen, of the Couples Counselling Network, believes that we have huge expectations and almost create the man to fit: ‘We form an ideal partner in our minds and, if he doesn’t fit quite as snugly as we’d thought, we panic.’ Hence the trumped-up tales. Irritating – and dangerous too. Curwen points out that sex braggers can impact on your own love life: ‘Everyday life brings so many external pressures and feelings of competitiveness, all of which feed into your relationship.’

As if life wasn’t stressful enough. According to Kasia Szymanska, Associate Director of the Centre For Stress Management, putting ourselves under pressure, ‘is hardly conducive to sexual satisfaction. And certainly, comparing our sex lives to what everyone else is supposedly doing is extremely unhelpful.’

And so I may forget to return Suzie’s call. At least until her new relationship is history. By then, of course, she’ll be ranting on about his casual approach to personal hygiene and heavy-handed foreplay techniques. And when she lurches into her next liaison, I shall comfort myself with the fact that no one experiences simultaneous orgasms except in dodgy soft-core movies. Do they…?

Do you have a sex-bragging friend? Or are you one? Why not chat about sex with other iVillagers? Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening right now on the sex board: