Anastasia lives in London with her husband, Nick. They’ve been married for three years and are expecting their first baby

Knowing too much

Starting to think about the birth a lot these days. I’ve progressed beyond an obsession with my changing body and I'm beginning to read a lot about the reality of D-day (or rather B-day). Friends who have had children tell me that no matter what I expect to happen, I’ll definitely be surprised by the reality of the experience so I shouldn’t make too many plans or have expectations that the birth will go a certain way. This is a very difficult concept to apply to the already abstract idea of the childbirth experience. How else can I prepare mentally for it without creating a set of very specific expectations? How can I read about the different ‘methods’ and not choose those that I think will suit me? What is a birth plan if it’s not, well, a birth plan? Is the answer really to simply ‘let go’ and see what happens? Does-not-compute.

I read something that I really wish I hadn’t. I read that having an epidural increases your chances of having a whole catalogue of intervention, including a Caesarean. I read this once and conveniently blocked it out. I read it somewhere else and had to acknowledge that there might be some truth to this theory. And then I went on a rampage of research and, to my dismay, discovered that it’s true. Apparently, the epidural is the first step in a long line of possible medical interventions based on the fact that it slows labour, drops your blood pressure, forces you to go on a drip and use a catheter to empty your bladder. The fact that you can feel nothing ‘down there’ means it’s much harder to push which, in turn, means they often have to haul out the old ventouse (vacuum extractor) or forceps. Worst case, the baby’s ‘stuck’ and in distress from such a long pushing process (second stage) and out comes the scalpel.

Most of my friends have had the epidural and I just assumed I’d probably have one too. But many of my friends have also had Caesareans, something I desperately fear. I think it’s because I have had surgery before (three times on my dodgy knees) and, basically, surgery is hell. It’s much harder on your body than you ever imagine it will be and it takes a very long time to fully recover and return to your normal self. The thought of being cut into repels me and it’s the last thing I want on my baby’s birthday. I believe that one (or God forbid, two) days of intense pain must be preferable to six to eight weeks of recovery from abdominal surgery.

I have harboured this fear of Caesareans for some time. Now that I have uncovered evidence that pain relief can contribute to my worst nightmare, it looks like I’ll have to be a pillow-biting martyr and try to face the birth experience without drugs. I say this now, having no idea what the pain will be like, but in my own personal birth plan, I cannot justify intending to have the epidural if it means I’m setting myself up for possible interventions that I find unacceptable.

I share this information with Nick and then secretly wonder if I should have kept my mouth shut. What if I am a complete pain-wimp and scream for drugs after my first Braxton-Hicks contraction? What if I simply cannot get through labour without pain relief? What if I end up being forced to have the dreaded Caesarean after all? I guess this brings my train of thought full-circle. I must try to keep my expectations open-minded and recognise that labour is one thing over which I won’t have much control. That, and the rest of my life after the little one is born.

See Josa Young's pregnancy diary for weeks 28-30.