A cold authoritarian parent makes for a miserable family life. But, as Coram Family says, it doesn’t help to be so lax and tolerant that you never set limits.

Young children do need to know that there are limits and, as a parent, you’re the one to set those limits. You’re not your child’s best friend or big sibling. They’ll expect you to take charge of what’s happening, so you need to be authoritative, rather than authoritarian –what used to be called ‘firm but fair’.

Your task, as a parent, is not about holding on to power and control. You need to guide your child with actions, as well as words, especially, where very young children are concerned.

Showing and telling is what’s needed:

• Babies will fling their food, along with anything else they can grasp. They aren’t being deliberately messy and, certainly, not ‘naughty’. But you can guide them with actions, supported with a kind and firm, ‘No, the food stays on your plate’. You can take away an item that isn’t a plaything, and give them something that can be dropped or thrown.
• Toddlers may need to be diverted from poking the video, or the long-suffering cat, and towards things that will stand up to this robust treatment.
• By all means, tell your two-year-old not to hit the cat, but also show him directly what ‘gentle’ looks like, and be pleased with him when he copies your action.
• You’ll need to take your four-year-old back up to bed, when she keeps appearing in the evening. Telling her to go back is unlikely to be enough.

A constructive approach

Rather than always saying ‘no’ or ‘stop that’, try altering the way you react. Children, much like us, respond better to guidance on what they can do, rather than sharp adult reactions about what they can’t do.

• You don’t want your three-year-old hurtling round the supermarket aisles. So, give him tasks and get him involved in choices about your shopping.
• Try to avoid any sense of ‘I must win’ or ‘I can’t let a four-year-old be in control’. As the adult, it’s up to you to step aside from the power battle. Look to ignore minor issues, try your level best not to nag, and look [instead] for opportunities to compliment your child and give her attention for something positive.
• Young children can be good at winding up parents, so try not to get drawn into a pointless battle. Step aside if toddlers or young children provoke you. Ignore the wind-up and look for ways to give them attention in a positive way.
• A compromise is a strong option. If young children are bored, they may well indulge in a heavy bout of sofa bouncing or headache-inducing shrieks. A dose of fresh air and a walk somewhere will burn off excess energy and clear your head, so you don’t end up telling them off yet again.

Consider for a moment why adults use the word ‘smack’ about children, when we’d use the word ‘hit’ to express similar actions towards adults. It’s unacceptable in this country to hit other adults, no matter how often you have told them to do something, or how much they have embarrassed you in public. Children are younger and smaller than adults, and they have considerably less understanding of the world. So why should hitting children be used to control their behaviour?

Attitudes have changed a great deal

Your parents raised you in a different generation, although by no means all parents used hitting as a means of disciplining their children. If on rare occasions, your parents did use this way to deal with your behaviour, it doesn’t make them bad people. If they hit you regularly, then you can probably recall how unfair this seemed as a child, and how the hurt was more than physical. Your task, as a parent, now is to find ways to step back, resist the inclination to repeat history, and put other options in place of hitting.

• Hold yourself back, if you’re tempted to hit. You can turn the action into a hand clap or a smack on the table to get your children’s attention.
• If children are about to do something dangerous, hold them back physically. When they’re very young, you just have to keep them safe and then explain your concerns. Hitting children for stepping into the road or grabbing the teapot tells them nothing useful, just that you’re cross, and that, it’s fine to hit people when you’re cross.
• Calm down time can be important for everyone. Perhaps your child needs to have a place to sit and wind down – not a ‘naughty’ place, just a peaceful place. Parents often need to count to ten as well. To avoid a battle and re-start with your child in a friendly way, without nagging or harking back.