Is it essential reading for today's stressed out lover? Cadillac Carter thinks so

The Kama Sutra. Judging by the pictures alone, to get the most out of this ancient Sanskrit text you'll need the following:

• a lover with a penis like a bendy toy
• a man who can place his legs behind his ears and keep them there no matter what else is going on
• the acrobatic skills of a circus artist
• the ability to orgasm while doing the splits

But the illustrations belie the true worth of this book. The Kama Sutra might belong to another age and continent but it continues to speak to us. It reminds us that sex in the 21st-century doesn't have to be like fast food. It teaches us several worthwhile lessons, the most important of which is making time for love. Sure, the book was written for the leisured classes, but doesn't time seem to be the biggest problem for today's overstressed lover?

The Kama Sutra was written between the first and fourth century AD by an elderly Indian sage and was introduced to the west by Victorian explorer, Sir Richard Burton. He translated the book in 1876 but it remained illegal in Britain until it was published in 1963, when it sold like hot cakes.

Only a third of the book deals with the erotic. It describes 64 sexual arts - that is eight different ways of making love multiplied by eight different positions within each of these ways. (If you can do them all you were born with tentacles, not limbs, and are missing your vocation.)

In the Kama Sutra, sex is divine union - a celebration of the act of creation. Making love was only a sin if you did it badly. My, how times have changed . . . According to the Kama Sutra, you must do whatever it takes to spend time on a lovefest that will have both of you whimpering with exhaustion. Preparation is essential: sprinkle the love room with rose petals, dowse the bed with perfumes and burning incense, have your handmaidens drown your skin in perfumed oils and keep aphrodisiacs, such as onion syrup, to hand. Camel milk and honey will give your man marathon erections and prepare him for your piece de resistance, the Hanging Posture; 'the woman lies face downwards and the man fixes cords to her hands and feet and raises her by means of a pulley fixed to the ceiling. He then lies under her, holds the other end of the rope in his hand and lets her down, so that he can penetrate her. He raises and lowers her until he ejaculates.'

Foreplay is not just the camel ride back to his place. It is an art to be learned and in the Kama Sutra it is aimed at preparing the woman for penetration but without undermining her fulfilment. All men should take note of this advice: 'Oh, you men,' it exhorts, 'who seek for the love and affection of women and desire to retain them, see that you frolic before copulation. Prepare her for the enjoyment and let nothing be neglected to attain this end. Explore her with all possible activity.'

To this path of pleasure are added many affectionate and humorous stipulations. According to the Kama Sutra no position is worthwhile unless it facilitates kissing. Each type of kiss is given a name. There's the Kiss That Kindles Love, given when a woman looks at the face of her lover while he is asleep and kisses it to show her intention or desire. The Clasping Kiss encloses the lover's lips. Women are advised not to do this with moustachioed men.

Calling each other's genitals by affectionate names is particularly recommended:

His

• The Smith's Bellows - because of its alternative deflation and inflation
• The Jingler - on account of the noise it makes each time it enters or leaves the vulva
• The Tailor does not enter the vulva until it has manoeuvred at the entrance, like a needle in cloth.

Hers

• The Starling is applied to a brunette's vulva.
• The Squeezer: 'Immediately after penetration it starts to squeeze the member and draw it in with such gusto, that were it possible it would absorb the testicles, too.'
• The Sprinkler makes a loud rustling noise while having a pee.

The Kama Sutra. Take some of its advice to heart and try out its positions with a sense of humour. But remember, 'Do not drink rain water immediately after coition as it tends to weaken the loins.'