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Getting away from it all: will it make or break your relationship? My friend Laura's relationship had hit crisis point. Her husband Matt, a partner in a property letting agency, was working evenings and weekends. Understandably (though not too sensibly) Laura had taken the 'stuff him' option and launched into an activity packed week which didn't include him: gym, dance classes, nights out with girlfriends. Great. She was keeping herself busy. She also realised that she and Matt were drifting further apart. 'What you two need is a weekend away' is what everyone repeatedly recommended her to do. It got to the point where Laura was on the verge of banging her head against the wall if she heard that irritating nugget of advice again. 'Go on holiday/have a short break.' It's the classic advice dished out by counsellors, agony aunts and friends - and for good reason. 'Sex becomes relegated in everyday life,' says psychosexual counselor, Frances Emeleus. 'We can even use friends to take the place of an intimate relationship. Sometimes, contrived though it sounds, we need to create time to be together - almost scheduling sex.' But is a short break your passport to love? The weekend-away dream goes like this:
- You're together. No phone, no work commitments, no dustbin to wheel out. Bang go the niggles that get in the way of your relationship.
- Head for sunnier climes and, as if by magic, you're no longer too busy or shattered for sex. 'Everyone reacts to light levels,' says John Simmonds at the Seasonal Affective Disorder Association. 'You're more motivated, you eat lighter foods. You're a different animal.'
- You have time. You can talk about your feelings and - naturally - make full use of your hotel's facilities by indulging in wild and wonderful sexual pleasures. You don't even have to make the bed afterwards.
But the reality is often different: Frankly, focusing totally on each other can be terrifying. Without the distractions of work and social life, what on earth will you talk about? Going away can be a hassle. Tempers can fray. Who hasn't blamed each other for getting lost? Who has felt cross at having to do all the ordering in schoolgirl French/Italian? You may feel like you must have non-stop sex to make full use of your hideously pricey hotel room. Nothing dampens libido surer than the niggling feeling that you should be doing it. Making it work
A weekend away isn't a magic pill to cure all relationship ills. But it can help. Last year, my partner and I were suffering 'lack of fun' syndrome, which two nights in Paris helped to fix. We did little more than lounge at pavement cafes, but we did dress nicely, kiss in public, and held hands for the first time in years. On the downside, a mini-break can make you realise it's over - for good. Maria, 30, booked a New Year trip to Vienna as a last-ditch attempt to salvage her relationship: 'My partner showed no interest in the art or architecture, which brought home how very different we were. In fact he spent two days grumbling that a coffee and cake cost £6.50.' With the right man, however, a weekend away can be a passport to a closer relationship.
If you do book a mini-break, here's how to rev up the romance.
- Go with the flow. Sex in a strange bed (or shower) can pep up your love life, but don't feel under pressure if you'd rather check out the TV/bath/mini bar.
- Leave hassles behind. Put a ban on work/domestic conversations. Relish the fact that for two or three days, you don't have to cook, take calls or do laundry.
- Dress up. Wear impractical shoes. At home, says Frances Emeleus, 'We tend to give our lover the worst sides of ourselves. It's not very respectful. You don't need to be constantly tarted up - but it's good to make an effort for each other.'
- 'While you're away, recognise that things are so much better when you're in touch with each other,' recommends Frances. 'Commit yourselves to remaining close when you get home. Take turns to initiate quality time together; that way, you're both taking responsibility. Aim for at least three times a week and put it in the diary - this might feel odd, but if you don't, you'll slip back into old habits.'
As for Laura, she hauled Matt to Barcelona for two blissful nights, completely ignoring his protests that he couldn't leave the office. 'We had proper conversations,' she reports. 'We laughed together - instead of barking lists at each other, as we'd been doing at home.' A successful trip then? Let's just say they didn't see much of Barcelona. Tell us about your romantic or not so romantic breaks on the Confession Corner message board.
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