He's cheated and you've decided to give him another chance. Find out how to rebuild the relationship

You are starting to recover from the shock of finding out about the affair and you havedecided to stay together. But is there any hope of regaining the love and trust you shared? Or will the rest of your life be filled with anger, jealousy and mistrust? To get your relationship back on track there are four emotional hurdles to work at - understanding why you were cheated on, making changes to your relationship and learning how to forgive and trust again.

Understand
The first thing you have to do is try to understand why the affair happened. Until you do, you won't be able to put the past behind you and move on.

Think hard. Talk to each other calmly - particularly when your partner tries to explain why the affair happened, which is often upsetting. 'Tim kept saying he had his fling because I was so wrapped up with the children,' says Linda. 'My first reaction was fury. It was only much later that I appreciated how lonely he'd been feeling.'

If you have a friend you can trust, ask them their opinion on your relationship. Counselling can often be beneficial in helping you explore these issues.

Make changes
Once you're on the road to understanding why things went wrong, you have to make changes to your relationship. Basically, if nothing changes, your partner will probably stray again.

If the affair happened:

• because of external pressures - overwork, lack of money, stress. Alter your lifestyle.
  
• because you were drifting apart. Spend more time together, talking and understanding each other.
  
• because one of you felt trapped or bored. Get the emotional intimacy back into the relationship.
  
• because your love life wasn't satisfactory. Recover the sexual spark
  

Forgive
You may believe you can never forgive your partner. You might even think that if you do forgive him, he will think he can get away with it again. But if you continue to blame and punish him for his mistake, ultimately he will leave; no partner will hang in there for neverending aggravation.

Think positively about the situation as it can help you forgive.

• Realise that the good things in your relationship outweigh the bad.
  
• Get a clear statement from your partner that he's truly sorry.
  
• Start to see what part you played in what happened.
  
• Find practical, concrete ways to make sure it won't all happen again.
  

Regain trust
In the aftermath of an affair, you can feel incredibly dependent on your partner. You may also feel horrendously jealous and the need to check your partner's every move. You may wonder if you will ever trust your partner again. It will take time to rebuild trust. At the start, him saying he'll be good won't be enough to quell your doubts.

Trust needs to be built day by day. Your partner will have to show he's trustworthy for you to trust him. Encourage him to be reliable - ringing you when he says he will, being forthcoming about where he has been. Motivate him to be constant by showing how pleased you are when he acts trustworthily.

It will also help if each of you shows you are willing to meet each other's needs. Again, start small by asking each other for things you know you can do, doing them and so building the value you have for each other.

Finally, it will help to build your own sense of self-worth. 'I thought I was such an awful person that my husband couldn't love me,' explained Lucy. 'It was only when I started to feel better about myself that I started to be able to trust him to be faithful.'

Resources:
After the Affair by Julia Cole.
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring.
Jealousy by Dr Paul Hauck.
Marriage Care Helpline 0845 757 3921 (3pm-9pm Monday and Thursday)

Coping with infidelity - read all three parts of our series.
Part one - the betrayal
What to do when you find out?
Part two - the decision
Should you stay or should you go?

Share your views and experiences of affairs on the Highs and Lows of Being a Couple message board.