| Gone off sex
Lack of desire is a phase many of us go through. Susan Quilliam outlines the reasons why you might go off sex Sex. The passion, intimacy, fun, games, naughtiness – could you live without it? Yet throughout Britain, couples are doing without sex because, frankly, they’re not in the mood. What was once a wonderful three times a night has dwindled to a routine once a week, half-hearted once a month or even less. So what can you do if sex is off the agenda? Your physical self Begin by making sure you’re getting enough rest. A full time job, house to keep and children often lead to feelings of exhaustion. If you have children, try going to bed when they do for a week. Or clear your diary for a week to ensure early nights. Catch up on sleep and see how much better you feel. Lack of desire may be your body’s way of telling you there’s something wrong. It could be illness that’s draining you or your hormones may be unbalanced. Or you’re on medication that’s reducing your sex drive. It’s always worth having a check-up with your GP – particularly, if your problems have come on suddenly. Relationship frustration So, while it may feel strange to question your relationship, you do need to look at it. Do you still have a working partnership? Are you still in love? If in your heart you know you’re not, be brave enough to admit it to yourself. Even if you know you do still love and care, you might be suffering from the biggest enemy of desire – anger. Over the years, many things may have happened to make you irritated with each other. From the betrayal of an affair to a series of small irritations, disagreements, rows, perhaps a whole range of disappointments. You feel he doesn’t help around the house, he accuses you of nagging and neither of you feel loved or wanted. This build up of anger will block all sexual feeling, and so desire dies. The only solution is to dissolve this anger, which is not necessarily an easy process. You need to identify what you are angry about – and the list may be long. Ideally, talk these issues through with your partner, clear the air, forgive each other and then learn ways to stop anger building up again. If you can’t discuss issues with your partner without tempers exploding, then a counsellor such as Relate can help you – with or without your partner.
Sexual reasons We’re not talking here about improving sex by using different positions, buying sex aids or dressing up in saucy knickers. These things will add spice to a good but routine sex life, but they won’t bring desire back. The sexual reasons for loss of desire are far deeper. To begin with, it could be that you’re no longer really turning each other on – this is as true for him as it is for you. Although men often like the ‘straight in, no messing approach’, for true pleasure, they need arousing. The best way is to go back to square one and ‘re-teach’ each other turn-on skills. Do you need lots of foreplay, a gentle touch or stimulation in a certain way or a particular spot? Take it in turns to simply ‘receive’ touch – coaching your partner in what really works for you. The second problem may be that you’re no longer having orgasms – or never had them with your partner. And if this is true, you’re not alone. Many, if not most women, orgasm more easily alone than with a partner – particularly, if you’ve let foreplay lapse so you’re not really aroused, then orgasm during lovemaking may be a distant memory. The answer here is to teach yourself and your partner how to give you a climax. Resources: Organisations: More: |