Does a woman's relationship with her father determine her choice in men? Kathy Watson discusses

It's inevitable. Dad is the first man in our life, the first man we learn to love or hate. He is the first man we know intimately. We see him close up and witness how he behaves towards women, particularly our mother. His moods, his tastes, his likes, his dislikes are all known to us in a way that is never repeated until we grow up and become involved with another man.

Although all relationships tend to shift and change over time, certain patterns remain and women's relationships with their fathers tend to fall into three basic types.

Adoring
I once knew a fitness trainer who specialised in exercise classes for pregnant women. Her father was an obstetrician, 'one of the top obstetricians in the country,' she always added. She thought he was wonderful. And her boyfriends? Losers every one of them. Debts, in and out of jobs, big ideas that never seemed to turn into actions, you name it, she'd dated it. Her father couldn't stand them, she used to say, rather gleefully. Of course he couldn't; that's why she picked them. It's fun being Daddy's little princess when you're young but later on the expectations created are something of a burden. The problem for Daddy's girl is not that she can't find a man like her father, it's that she doesn't want to or can't allow herself to. There's only room for one at the top. She put Daddy on a pedestal and doesn't know how to bring him back down to earth.

Rebellious
She's late home on purpose, he's worried and angry, she pouts, he shouts, she sobs and says sorry, she won't do it again. And everything's fine - until the next time. All perfectly normal if it was an adolescent girl arguing with her father. But it's often a grown woman playing at being a disobedient teenager with a long-suffering boyfriend who doesn't realise he's been cast in the role of the heavy-handed father. Usually the daughter of excessively permissive fathers, she didn't get the chance to play up when she was younger because Dad never seemed to mind what she did. Either he was a bit of a rebel himself or he was too busy or idle to intervene. Psychologists and parenting experts talk about the importance of boundaries and without them, girls can grow up into provocative women trying to goad their boyfriends into saying: 'Stop it! That's enough!'

Idealised
Somewhere out there is the perfect man for you; it's just a matter of finding him. And when you do, you're going to be so happy. If only. A woman who believes this is chasing an ideal, and consequently, is continually disappointed by real relationships. This kind of idealisation is commonly the result of an absent father. When circumstances like divorce, bereavement or long periods apart leave a young girl without a male role model, she tends to invent one. And, of course, he's flawless. Into the vacuum created by absence, she pours all her dreams, hopes and desires about what a man should be like. Needless to say, no-one can live up to the image she creates.

Behaviour patterns based on relationships formed as long ago as the father/daughter bond can be hard to break. Hard but not impossible. Recognising the pattern is the first step and, for some women, that's all they need in order to make changes. Others can benefit from gently reminding themselves that their father is, like them, only human. Well-intentioned but flawed and, above all, unique. Your partner can't be him, replace him or live up to him. Nobody can.

Alternatively
Of course you may be one of the lucky ones. Perhaps you had one of the good dads, the sort who encouraged you to do the things that interested you rather than pushing you in a direction that suited him. Perhaps he cheered your efforts and told you it didn't matter if you didn't get it quite right and better luck next time. And he loved your mother and didn't favour your brothers. As for his job, well he enjoyed it but he didn't think it was the most important thing in the world. And there were only a few household rules, which made sense. He explained why they were necessary and understood that you needed to flout them from time to time.

Well, if that's your old man, then you're a very lucky woman and, this Father's Day, you should avoid the special gifts section and give him something better than amusing cufflinks shaped like golf balls or ties adorned with cricket bats. Give him a little of your time.