When one of you is as neat as a pin and the other lives in a state of pure sloth, how is a couple to compromise? Malia Frame investigates

The final straw was a pair of blue and white checked pants. On the floor. Again.

I told myself that if I had to pick up one more item of dirty clothing and place it three inches to the right, where it belongs, there would be a serious crisis in my marriage. At my wits end, I picked up the phone and rang the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP - www.counselling.co.uk) for help.

After explaining that clutter can represent a deeper relationship issue - anything from you and your partner not agreeing on where to live to a deeper crisis like incompatibility -Phillip Hodson, psychotherapist, relationships expert and fellow of the BACP, offered a 10-point strategy. No matter the root of the untidiness, this should help you and your partner meet somewhere in the middle.

1. Don't nag: 'While nagging may work temporarily, in the end it's counterproductive because it leads to the claim that you're obsessive, controlling and that you need to chill out,' says Hodson. It only causes resentment and isn't the right way to get what you want.

2. Evaluate the severity of the problem: 'Ask yourself how serious the clutter issue is on a scale of 1 to 10,' he suggests. 'Is it worth putting yourself in the role of your husband's mum and treating him like an adolescent son?' (Yes, I say to myself, if this plan works and I can still be his lover from time to time.)

3. Treat him as a flatmate: 'In relationships, most women become slaves to men because men know women won't put up with a mess,' says Hodson. If you treat your husband like someone you just happen to live with, it will put you both on equal ground. It will also make him realise he has responsibilities and should be respectful of the person he's living with. 'Tell him he's got to do his share of tidying and you won't do it for him,' Hodson says. It's helpful to start this early in the relationship when you're setting out how you each like to live.
   4. Make a deal: Men love deals and the art of compromise, notes Hodson. Your husband is more likely to agree to a deal where he can make a mess 'here' but not 'there' than a full-on order to keep the home clutter-free at all times. Do this by identifying areas where he can pile up and throw down to his heart's content.

   5. Give him his turn: Ask him if there's any habit of yours that drives him crazy. This shows you're willing to compromise your own behaviour, and he may fall for it hook, line and sinker. If he sees you change some of your ways, he may follow suit.

   6. Do your part: Ask yourself how often you praise or reinforce your partner. If you only criticise him, he's less likely to listen to your negative comments about his inability to be tidy. Tell him you love it when he rubs your back or goes to the supermarket for you and hint that you'd appreciate it if he helped with the housework. When he does listen and makes an effort to improve, offer some praise.

   7. Wait it out: Kick his newspapers, odd cufflinks and year-old receipts onto his side of the room and don't pick up his dirty clothes. When he finally runs out of shirts or trousers, he may have an epiphany. When he asks why freshly cleaned clothes don't automatically appear anymore, you can tell him it's because he's not maintaining his part of the bargain. Remind him that in a relationship there's no reason why he shouldn't share 50% of the daily tasks around the home.

   8. Take action: After three months of trying to condition him to tidy up (remember - grit your teeth but don't pick up after him), declare a council of war if there's been no improvement. Tell him you've decided not to clear up after him anymore and that the issue is causing a serious problem in your relationship. Explain that keeping the place orderly is something that means a lot to you. Compare its importance to something that's special or meaningful to him.

   9. Don't be childish: Under no circumstance storm out of the house or ignore your partner when you get fed up with his messiness. These childlike responses create more problems than solutions because they bring the argument to a standstill and don't allow you to move forward.

   10. Take advantage of free time: In the time you save not cleaning up after him, enjoy yourself. Go out with your girlfriends or plan a special night with your partner to reward yourselves for successfully making a compromise.

   Although this list may seem overwhelming at first, I got through the first three in just a few days. Currently, I'm tackling number four. So far, the ivy has been cut away so it's no longer growing in through the bathroom window, the rubbish bin is clean, but the pants are still on the floor. And that's where they'll stay.