Sex during pregnancy? Don't make me laugh, says Fiona Gibson

Oversized and oversexed?

Oh, I love those articles that spill forth from pregnancy magazines. From what you read, you'd think that every pregnant woman and her partner are romping all over the bedroom, slathering each other in massage oils and revelling in her new, feminine body. Never mind the whopping bump or mammoth bosoms: infinite new positions apparently make sex possible right up until the contractions begin.

In fact, we're led to believe that pregnancy actually enhances sex. After all, there are no fiddly/messy contraceptives to deal with: no rubbery diaphragm, or twanging condoms. How wonderful to sling that gunky spermicidal gel to the back of the wardrobe. So what's stopping you diving on your partner this minute? The reason - as any pregnant woman knows - is that everything feels different.

Too weird altogether

For one thing: his smell. The baby may be little bigger than a grape, but your senses are going haywire. 'My man's natural body smell - and our perfectly clean bedclothes - would be enough to trigger a nausea attack,' admits Jo. 'Suddenly, I couldn't go near him without retching. He smelt sort of meaty - horrible. I couldn't contemplate sex without getting him to shower first, and that killed any spontaneity.'

Jane, who's five months pregnant, admits to a plummeting libido too. 'We still do it, but it's weird, you know? You're knackered for the first three months and any chance you get, you find yourself conking out. I get home from work and see the bed and think: ah, sleep. Having sex just seems like a terrible waste of good sleeping time.'

She says her partner has started acting oddly too. 'Instead of diving on top of me and being nicely relaxed about the whole thing, he's all nervous, like he's scared of hurting me or the baby.' In fact, many friends describe sex during pregnancy as similar to those teenage fumblings from way back: it all feels new, different and slightly grubby.

Like a virgin

Personally, I came over all pure and wafty during my first pregnancy. We had fragile little twins growing in there and I didn't fancy a six-foot male heaving about and rucking up the bedclothes. Besides, it was becoming harder to synchronise our bedtimes. He'd be eager to stay up chatting until midnight, while I'd be creeping into bed at 9 pm.

Neither of us seemed to mind terribly. My partner was enjoying lots of uninterrupted telly-watching time while I could lie diagonally across the bed, sweating and drooling. When we did indulge it was, 'Oh, go on then'.

As Amanda puts it, 'You still want to cuddle and kiss and be reassured that you're not some gigantic old heifer. When we did have sex - maybe once a fortnight or so - I'd be really glad we'd made the effort.'

Is it meant to be funny?

How you feel about your body is, perhaps, the key factor in whether you feel sexy, or otherwise. During my second pregnancy - semi-used to huge bosoms and less freaked out about the whole baby-making experience - it was pretty much business as usual. However there does come a point when you're so big that you cannot help picturing the two of you, struggling to accommodate your belly.

You don't even need a mirror to do this. It's there in your brain: the terrifying image of you and your partner, complaining of twanging muscles and continuing until the bitter end. When it's tricky to indulge without the aid of a hoist, you are tempted to put sex on hold for a while. That in itself is scary: after all, a baby is coming. Will you ever do it again?

Sex-drive in overdrive

Still, not to worry. Whatever the magazines may tell us, few of us fancy a full-on romp in the final weeks. A rare exception is Jackie, who reveals: 'My sex drive was way higher than normal right through my third pregnancy. During the last couple of months it was more oral sex and cuddling and massaging each other. He'd start rubbing in oils and lotions to help prevent me getting stretch marks and, more often than not, it would lead to sex.'

Jackie reports 'the best orgasms of my life' during pregnancy, brought on, perhaps, by all those old body hang-ups - wobbly tum, flat boobs - being blown right out of the window.

They say that if you feel good about yourself it shows. I admire her positive attitude. If we were to have another baby, perhaps I might indulge in a little oral pleasure myself.

With the biscuit tin, that is.