| The story of Tanya Grey
Every girl dreams of a perfect romance, but what should you do when it becomes a violent and terrifying nightmare? I hate thinking about the lonely, pathetic person I became when I was with Dave, but I’ll tell my story to help other women avoid going through what I did. Before I met him, I was confident and outgoing. We met at a party. I was studying psychology as a mature age student in Bristol. I was 28, he was 10 years older, which always made him seem more like the boss. For the first few months we were together, I felt madly in love. He was in the army, a special unit near Hereford. He was very good looking, superfit. He travelled a lot and hinted that his work was dangerous and secretive. I found him really sexy. He had this strong body and intense eyes. He made the other men I’d been out with seem like little boys. At first we had fun. When he was off duty, he’d take me up to the Brecon Beacons, we’d walk for miles, have pub lunches, then go back to a B&B and have sex. He was commanding in bed and, at first, I hate to admit this now, it seemed sexy. The odd smack on the bum, or he’d hold me down in bed and make it feel threatening, then he’d kiss me tenderly afterwards. But I overlooked some weird stuff. We’d be driving in the car and he’d say, ‘unbutton your blouse and take it off,’ then he’d touch me quite roughly. One day when I said, ‘ouch! That hurts,’ he stopped the car, slapped my face and told me he’d touch me any way he wanted. It’s horrible to think that I didn’t jump out of the car there and then and tell him to bugger off, but I didn’t. I burst into tears and cried hysterically. I probably even apologised. How sick is that? And then he told me he was sorry too, he’d been working hard, that he loved me, and he was frightened of losing me. It was the first time he told me he loved me, and it seemed so intense. Not long after that we got engaged. Normally, I’m quite an outgoing, opinionated person, but when I took him home to meet my mother, she told me she’d never known me so quiet. I thought she was jealous. She’d been separated from my father for about two years, and we’d become very close. Dave didn’t like my friends so bit by bit they went. He rented a flat near Chepstow and at first we had some fun there. It wasn’t all terrible. I was so crazy about him I even used to kiss his shirts when I ironed them. But soon there were problems. I started to study at the flat, and because he was meticulous – his army training – my untidiness drove him mad. One day, he came into my study and threw my books and essay notes around. He had a look in his eyes that frightened me. So what did I do? I apologised quickly, burst into tears and then we had sex. I had become frightened of him and used sex as a way of avoiding rows. Don’t ask me why I married him. It cost me most of my friends and I fell out with my mum, who couldn’t stand him. My work fell off. I was always so anxious about the house being clean that I became an almost obsessive housewife. Sex with him went from being a turn-on to something that was so unpredictable I could never relax. One night I was lying in the bath, it was before my finals and I was shattered. I wasn’t expecting him back until later, and was enjoying the soak – I had the candles on, music. He came into the bathroom and stood over me. He was smiling – he wasn’t always mean. I thought he was pleased to see me. ‘So, who were you expecting?’ he said. Afterwards he apologised over and over again. I pretended to believe him, because I now knew I had to get out, and I was frightened he’d really hurt me if I told him.The next week he was away. I went to my Mum, I told her everything. Mum was amazing. She hugged me, told me I’d been brave, she told me to come home and she’d get me through my exams. If she’d said, ‘I told you so,’ I don’t know what would have happened. The next day I spoke to a university counsellor. I showed her my bruises and was shaking as I told her. I half hoped she’d say, ‘Oh well people do change’ but she was surprisingly hard line. She told me that rape within marriage was now a crime and I should think about making a report to the police. In the end I went to the domestic violence unit. I was interviewed by a female police woman and saw a female doctor. They were helpful and kind, but I decided not to press charges. I guess I chickened out, but I did write a long letter to his commanding officer. Later I joined a woman’s group through a local rape crisis centre. I got fantastic support just from listening to other women’s stories and realising that I wasn’t the only one who sometimes felt it was all my fault. After my finals, I moved to London, got a job, and now, aged 32, I’m starting to enjoy life again. I would say to any woman in this situation, if you have any doubts whatsoever that your man is overstepping the mark, in terms of sexual or physical abuse act now. The longer you leave it, the longer your recovery will take. I am with a lovely man now, but it’s taken me 18 months to enjoy sex with him, and I’ve still never dared tell him the whole story. Dave’s left the army. I don’t know if he’s learned his lesson. I’ve heard on the grapevine that he’s with another woman and that he’s changed, but I have my doubts. Can men like that really change? You could call what he does a sickness, but it’s the kind of sickness that hurts, even kills some women, and if you think you can cure it, you’re out of your mind. The names have been changed You are not alone ‘One of the most powerful things a woman can hear is that she’s not alone. Hearing from another that it is not your fault and you don’t have to put up with it, that it is a criminal offence, and that nobody has the right to treat you this way, can bring such relief. It helps reduce feelings of loneliness and self doubt.’ ‘After leaving a violent partner, many women will talk about their confusion, and how they denied and didn’t trust their gut feelings. Often their partners rationalised sexually abusive behaviour by saying: “Other women do this all the time”. Or “This is just sex, it doesn’t mean I hit you out of the bedroom”. He may blame you and make you feel guilty; “You know you enjoy it really”. But listen to your instincts and anxieties. If you feel scared that you are losing control, or that your partner is unpredictable, pay attention to it. Share your concerns with a close friend or a counsellor. Living with a violent man can be lonely and isolating. It can be embarrassing to tell someone the problems you face in your personal life. But abusers rely on this sense of isolation and dependency to maintain secrecy and continue the abuse.’ After getting advice some women obtain a legal injunction against their partner. Others leave and never return. Each woman’s situation is different. If you do decide to report your partner or husband for rape, The Rape Crisis Federation has a very informative web site and explains in detail what you can expect next. Remember the first step to recovery is to accept you are being hurt. The next, to reach out for support. Names and addresses:
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