Why pressure from the community can make the plight of Asian domestic violence victims particularly severe…

Domestic violence is so unmentionable that it seems not to exist in the Asian community. It isn’t talked about, it isn’t revealed and it certainly isn’t tackled. There are few available community support groups and many Asian women are reluctant and too fearful to seek mainstream help.

Apna Ghar is the exception. A domestic violence project based in the London borough of Newham, it offers help and advice for any Asian woman struggling with abuse. The scheme was launched by Su B (Su), who is also a community leader on the iVillage Exploring Abuse board.

‘I was initially hired to do admin work for Community Links, the umbrella association behind the project,’ says Su. ‘I was the only Asian worker in the building at that time. I’d only been there a couple of weeks when an Asian woman walked in, walked out, and then returned because she saw an Asian face. She was very distressed. She sat down and discussed her personal issues with me. All I did was listen and then she went away.

‘She never came back but somehow word got out. Within two weeks there were so many women coming to see me that I couldn’t actually do the job I’d been hired to do.’

Backed by Community Links, she launched a two-hour a week drop in service for victims of domestic violence and had 40 women in the group after just two months.

Such demand highlights the urgent need for such projects in a society where cultural issues can add to the burden of domestic violence.

Community pressure
Leaving an abusive relationship is hard for any woman. Many worry they will not be able to cope alone while others fear they won’t be able to provide for their children. Asian women face all these dilemmas and more.

Cultural pressure from the community can be surprisingly strong. ‘One of the hardest things is getting women to admit and acknowledge that this abuse is not a normal part of life,’ says Su.

If these women do reject the violence, they are often shunned and rejected by their community. Members of their family may also face the same ‘disgrace’. It is a strong disincentive.

Su states: ‘For these women, leaving an abusive relationship is much harder. They wonder: “What will my parents think? What will happen to my brothers and sisters? Will they still be able to get married?”

Other barriers
There are also other problems facing many Asian women. About 40 per cent of those who walk through the doors of Apna Ghar, for instance, have language problems. While this is not as pronounced as when the project launched in 1984 – when many of the women didn’t speak a single word of English – it can still cause problems. Imagine trying to apply for financial aid, housing benefit or a place in a refuge if you struggle with the language.

Many of these women are also unaware of the services available to them. ‘For most of these women, all they know is what is decided for them by their husbands or mothers-in-law,’ Su says.

Not surprisingly, that means they are not told of the organisations that exist to help them leave an abusive relationship.

Heartbreaking stories
As a result, many of these women stay in violent relationships, feeling isolated, confused and alone. Many also enter into marriage knowing that they will face violence.

‘I had a call from a 21-year-old girl about to have an arranged marriage,’ says Su. ‘The man she is set to marry is 15 years older than her. She can’t bear him looking at or touching her. She’s scared he’ll force himself on her on the wedding night.’

That isn’t such a far-fetched possibility. ‘This girl was surprised that I was shocked,’ says Su. ‘Many of her friends have told her they were essentially raped on the first night of marriage.’

There are other disturbing tales involving the ritual humiliation of the bride. In a society that prizes virginity, there are stories of mothers-in-law checking the sheets of the marital bed the following morning to find evidence of prior virginity.

Attitudes
Such stories highlight one of the most shocking aspects of domestic abuse within the Asian community. Su says: ‘In a lot of domestic violence cases within this community, you find the mothers-in-law are behind it.’

Many of these women have been abused themselves. So what makes them so keen to see the cycle of violence perpetrated on others?

‘For many of these women it is the only power they have. In the Asian community, a lot of women feel their sons are everything. The son should never appear to have such a close relationship with his wife that it threatens the mother’s power position.’

As a result, some women are abusive to their daughters-in-law, determined to prove their role in their sons’ lives.

Says Su: ‘A lot of women do say “If it wasn’t for my mother in law, my husband wouldn’t be like this”. However the fact is that the man has the responsibility. The women are making excuses.’

It takes a lot to change such ingrained attitudes. Community pressure is such that even mothers whose daughters are being victimised are reluctant to step in.

Su continues: ‘These women still fear the community. They often ask: “If my daughter breaks away from her marriage what standing will she have in the community?” They are there for their daughters but are not actively encouraging them.’

Rejecting violence
Encouraging these women to reject violence and to stand up for one another is no easy task. It is made harder by the lengths that victims have to go to seek help.

Su comments: ‘Quite early on, word did get around the community that I had launched this project. There were men sat in pubs talking about me. There were threats. I took it positively. If they felt I was a threat, there was something encouraging happening in those households.’

But, inevitably, the more recognition the project got, the harder it became for women to attend. Not surprisingly, abusive men didn’t want their wives to learn their rights.

Su had to come up with novel ways of disguising the real purpose of the meetings. She launched English, sewing, cooking and knitting classes – a clever move since a lot of the men felt their women should improve their cooking and cleaning skills. Women were therefore allowed to attend, gaining help under the cover of domesticity.

Now the project helps hundreds of women each year. It offers a 24-hour helpline, case workers, support groups and even works with children and young people in a bid to change attitudes.

Because more than anything the people of this community need to understand that violence should not be tolerated.