iVillager sued03 wrote to the Let's Talk About Relationships board with her painful dilemma

I've been having an affair with a married man for the last two years. I've been separated for one year but this affair was not the cause of my marriage break up. When I met this man I was vulnerable, lonely and needed to fill a void in my life. I knew all the pitfalls of getting involved with a married man, knew it was wrong, told him again and again that I just wanted a friend and to stay in control. But the inevitable happened - we fell in love. Head over heels. Totally and completely. He's the love of my life.

I trusted him, believed in him, he told me over and over never to worry, that he loved me more than any other woman ever, that he was committed to my children and to me, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he would give everything up for me. I believed him, not because I am naive but because he convinced me it was the truth.

We've spent lots of time together in the last two years. We've taken holidays together, he's supported me emotionally and financially, we've been there for each other as best friends and soul mates. I've been more than a wife to him and I was sure we'd spend the rest of our lives together. But then earlier this year his wife found out about me.

She doesn't know all the details only that her husband has been 'emailing and talking' to some woman. His reaction, like most married men, was to panic and run back to the safety of his wife. He says he needs to know if there's anything left between them and that he couldn't give up his marriage knowing that at some point in the future he may regret that decision.

I sort of understand, although I am devastated, feel stupid, foolish and used. I know I have to move on and forget this man because he is not worth it and I deserve better.

But now I have a dilemma. Should I let his wife know exactly what has been going on between her husband and I for the last two years? Why on earth should he get away with promising me everything, live a double life and just go back to his marriage as if I never existed? Does she have the right to know what a lying, cheating, sneaky and deceitful man her husband is?

What is your true motive in telling her? asks denjim50s
Do you harbour the fantasy that if she knows all about your relationship she will throw him out and he'll come running back to you? You don't really know what he has been telling her, or even just what she does or doesn't know about his infidelity. You don't even know whether you're the first or only other woman. His wife may have been putting up with his cheating behaviour for years.

The only thing you know is that he's told you one thing but done another. He manipulates the women in his life, he's good at it and would probably be able to talk his way out of any trouble you might stir up with the wife.

You got sucked into the age-old situation of being the mistress of a married man. You believed his lies. Move on. There is nothing for you with this jerk.

You have been seduced by his words, says cl-makaeble
You wanted to believe his promises. You told yourself that it was the truth because it felt better that way. I am willing to bet, in your heart of hearts, you knew it was a sham.

I don't think you should consider revenge as it always has a habit of bouncing back. I would retire gracefully and try to rebuild your life without him. Bitterness and revenge have a way of really messing up your life, far better to know that you are the one who behaved responsibly and truthfully, and leave it at that.

Be fair, says zoebh
This guy was there for you when you needed him. He gave you the emotional support that you needed at the time. Try to imagine where you'd be now if you'd never met him. You have had two years of a great relationship that has now ended. You probably feel like there is a massive empty hole in your life just now, but it will heal over and you will find that you are fine without him. I am prepared to believe that he meant every loving word he said to you, when he said it. On saying that, whatever he said about his wife was probably fairly exaggerated.

I suspect his wife has gone through this whole rigmarole before. A lot of wives seem to know when they have a serial-cheating husband, but choose to ignore it. Why upset her more than she already is?

You are suffering from the fresh, raw wounds of rejection, so don't act hastily. I know it's hard to believe, but in a couple of years this man will just be a fond memory and the pain will have gone.

Give yourself time to mourn your loss, then go out and paint the town red!

Believe in karma, says heartlesswench
Karma - what you put out will come back to you three fold. So forget the revenge and move on gracefully.

Are you in the middle of an affair and wanting out or needing advice? Why not chat with fellow iVillagers on the My Affair message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening on the board right now: