| Once a hitter, always a hitter?
It takes a lot for a man to admit he has a problem with violence. Most never do. Here one man reaches out and asks for help. Posts taken from the What can we do about Domestic Violence? message board If you're a man who needs help dealing with your own violence towards a partner, you can contact RESPECT - the national co-ordinating body for projects working with violent men - on 020 8563 7983. Julian's story: When I met my partner she was an emotional wreck as her ex-hubby had told her that she was useless and miserable for three years prior. I am a highly confident person myself and because I felt she was such a wonderful woman, I invested a good 12-18 months in helping to build up her confidence. I'm not taking full credit for this as she is a person in her own right but I certainly provided the foundations. We didn't even argue for three years and had an absolute scream doing all sorts of crazy things. Then one day I was made redundant and she started screaming at me. I felt that this was because she was scared that the comfortable cushion she had enjoyed for so long had now disappeared. While I was pounding the streets for the next three weeks looking for a new position, she started to argue with me more and more and then started getting violent towards me - I never retaliated as that is the way I have been brought up. The violence started with slaps across the face to full-blown punches to the chest, face etc. Afterwards she would always start crying and apologise. I got a new job within five weeks, but even so, she was becoming more and more violent towards me. If it wasn't for her/our son, I would have left her. The problem I have is that she still hits me in arguments and has even used a knife once - and I have started to retaliate. I have slapped her back (always and only in retaliation) but six months ago she was screaming at me (again for something quite trivial) and she went to hit me but I grabbed her arm to stop her and twisted it. I broke her wrist in three places and when we went to A & E I was going to tell the truth as to how it happened but she lied to them and the doctors and nurses knew it. I have never felt so awful in my life. I cannot justify what I did in any way and I blame myself completely. I hated myself every time she had to lie to friends, her mother and colleagues just to 'protect' me. I wanted her to tell people the truth despite the fact that no-one would ever want to know me again. I hated myself every time I looked at the plaster on her arm. I hated myself for the physical and mental pain she suffered. She now tiptoes around me, which I hate, and is very selective about what she says to me, despite us having talked this through 1,000 times. We are very much in love but she doesn't bring things up that are likely to cause me to raise my voice. My problem is that I want to go and see a professional group for men who abuse their partners and ensure that I get proper advice and attention so that this never ever happens again.
There are millions of groups and associations for women but it is a nightmare to find a group of men that want to get themselves treated for this sort of behaviour. I can't go to my GP because we share the same GP and live in a small town. I know they are supposed to be confidential but I don't trust ours enough. I have also left numerous messages at Domestic Violence Units in police stations for them to try and refer me somewhere and I have even phoned one or two women's domestic violence charities asking for information and have just come up against brick walls. I am not seeking out justification for my actions nor excuses - merely a solution that will ensure that this does not happen again. I am crying as I write this - something I haven't done since my father died 16 years ago. I really want to get help.'
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