| What the experts had to say
The community leaders on our What Can We Do About Domestic Violence? message board are experts in their own right. Here they share their experiences and give their advice to anyone in the same position as Julian 'It takes great courage to ask for help and to write as you have on this board so well done for that. I do think that the pair of you may need help to overcome the obstacles in your relationship. No, there is no excuse for what you have done to your partner but reading through your words it would seem that you reached breaking point. Now, whilst I work in the field of domestic violence, I do also believe that everyone has a breaking point. I myself have experienced DV and when I met my second husband, for about two years I became very abusive towards him. He did not hit me back but there were a couple of times when I thought he was going to. He came close to breaking point with me. I didn't understand why I was doing it at the time but now I see that I was testing him. I was pushing him to see if he would be like my ex. When you have been in an abusive relationship you tend to rationalise it to survive. You also tend to minimise the abuse and after a while it becomes normal. You have to live like that and although you know that it isn't right, there seems no way out so you accept it. Once out and in a normal relationship, it somehow doesn't seem normal to you as you have become used to living in such a way so you sort of crave what you had, even though you didn't like it. I know this sounds really strange but this is how I would describe what happened to me after 13 years of having to try to unravel it all in my mind.
It took me about two to three years to realise that my husband was not going to hit me or abuse me. Sure we have rows but there is a line and he has not crossed it. There is a huge difference between someone who abuses and someone who has just reached their breaking point. There is no excuse for what you did but I feel that you are genuine and want to understand what drove you to that point. If all the abusive men felt the way you feel then there would be a lot less heartache in this world.' 'As others have said, it is probable that her past experiences of abuse are linked to her current behaviour. However, this is NOT an excuse. Abuse by anyone to anyone is wrong and physical assaults - and threats of them - are without question, criminal behaviour. She too has a problem, regardless of the reason for her actions, and you have said little about her willingness to address this. It might help for you to see your situation as involving two distinct problems which you might need to address separately. In other words, you might want to find help around your behaviour AND help for your feelings about her behaviour.Good luck.'
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