You can stop being a partner; you don’t stop being a parent. Coram Family on how to help children cope with divorce.

The most important part of resolving family breakdown is to ensure that your children continue to have access to, and a relationship with, both parents and their extended families. Nowadays, many children have to come to terms with major changes in their family arrangements.

If current trends continue, it’s estimated that:

• More than 1 in 3 new marriages will end within 20 years
• 4 out of 10 marriages will end in divorce.
• More than 1 in 4 children will experience the divorce of their parents by their 16th birthday
• 1 in 8 children will spend some time in a step family

(The sources of these figures are Bryan Rodgers and Jan Pryor Divorce and separation: the outcomes for children (Joseph Rowntree Foundation 1998) and Stepfamily, now part of the national charity, Parentline Plus.)

There’s no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ age for children to experience a break up
It depends on what happens and how both parents manage to resolve the problems for the children. Younger children may be confused because they can’t make sense of what’s happening. Older children may assume that their own experience of divorce will automatically mirror the experiences of a best friend whose family has also split up.

It’s a long process
From the children’s perspective, and yours as well, separation and divorce isn’t an event that happens suddenly. Each family is unique, but there are some general patterns to keep in mind in order to support your children.

• Your children will need reassurance, supportive conversations and a great deal of your patience and affection – before, during and after the actual break-up. Young children may ask you what sound like very similar questions over and over again.
• Children may need your attention at times when you feel exhausted and would desperately like them to be content, or at least resigned to what’s happening.
• Even if the atmosphere in your home has been unpleasant, your children may still want you to stay together. Your children may hope and believe that you can fix things and get back together.
• Your children are likely to be unhappy and uncertain. They will want reassurance that the parent who still lives with the family, isn’t going to go away. They may also be distressed when the parent who’s left home comes back to visit.

Your children are likely to be unhappy and uncertain. They will want reassurance that the parent who still lives with the family, isn’t going to go away. They may also be distressed when the parent who’s left home comes back to visit.

Children need honest, straightforward explanations that are consistent and free of any bad feeling between the adults. When it’s clear that you and your partner are going to split up, tell your children what’s happening and what will follow. You’ll need to decide if both of you are going to take part in this conversation and, if not, ensure that each parent has a proper conversation with the children at some stage.

• Depending on what’s gone before, you may say something like, ‘We’ve tried hard to stop arguing but it hasn’t been possible. We’ve decided we need to live in different homes’ or ‘We love you very much but for a long time now we haven’t been happy living with each other’.
• Then explain what will happen and what has not yet been decided. Children will often be scared that everything will change and they may lose their friends, go to another nursery or never see their grandparents again.
• You need to reassure your children that the parent who is leaving is still ‘your dad’ or ‘your mum’ and will still visit regularly.
• Give your children a chance to express their feelings and possibly be cross with you both.

Try for as much continuity as possible.
Children will be most distressed if they face the prospect of losing everything: familiar home, nursery or school and their friends, as well as the parent who has left.

It’s hard, but you need to resolve the adult issues between yourself and your partner
Your children need to be allowed to keep both parents and develop a new kind of relationship with the parent who won’t be living in the family home. Don’t make your children part of the ill feeling between yourself and your partner and don’t make them choose between the two of you. The rest of the family is also important and can be a support. Extended families don’t always draw up battle lines and children shouldn’t have to lose contact with grandparents or cousins.

Story and ‘talk about’ books can be one way to open up a conversation
Some possibilities are:

• Rosemary Stones’ Children don’t divorce (Happy Cat Paperbacks in the Talking it Through series £3-99) – a story with good illustrations and points at which children could naturally ask a question or comment about their own family situation.
• Jillian Powell What do we think about – family break-up (Hodder Wayland £4-99) – a simple talk about book with illustrations suitable for five year olds and older.
• Julia Cole How do I feel about my parents’ divorce (Watts £9-99) – a talk about book for 7-8 year olds and older.

Hopefully, you’ll be able to get support from family and close friends. But sometimes it helps to talk with somebody who isn’t involved in the situation.

• The organisation Relate offers support for people with problems in relationships. You will find your closest office in your local telephone directory.
• Parentline Plus offers a free helpline 0808 800 2222 on weekdays 8am to 10pm and weekends 10am to 3pm. You can find information about the organisation on their website www.parentlineplus.org.uk

Want to discuss contact issues, court dates and family problems? Why not chat with other iVillagers on the Residence, Contact & Child Support message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place right now on the board: