When you were a couple it was plain sailing (well, most of the time) but now you’re a family, life’s really complicated. Coram Family looks at striking a balance.

When you first move in with a partner, you’re just a couple enjoying life together and adjusting to each other’s views and attitudes. True, you have to contend with their annoying habits, which set your teeth on edge. Toothpaste oozing over the washbasin, smelly washing up piled high in the sink and dirty clothes languishing on the bedroom floor; all these things can cause a rumpus in your relationship but these differences can pale into insignificance once you start a family.

As a twosome you could work things out face-to-face but when children are built into the equation it becomes much more complicated. Unexpected divisions and tricky daily decisions emerge when you have the responsibility of being a parent. Everybody brings memories of their own childhood to bear when they raise their own children and these deep-set attitudes often don’t come to light before you become a family. You can share an apparently similar background and yet have very different views about how to bring up baby. Something that seems minor, even silly, to you, can be very important to your partner and the other way around.

Perhaps . . .

• You have different views about discipline and how this works in practice in your family. When does a lively reply from your son become ‘cheeky’ answering back?
• You disagree about how to treat boys and girls. Parents may have different limits about a daughter who is a keen climber (is she a young athlete or a tomboy?) and a son who feels hurt easily (is he sensitive or is he a softy?)
• You disagree about how best to keep children safe. What about playing outside or going to the local shop? When to lengthen the invisible string is a tough decision made even harder when parents have different views.
• Food, mealtimes and the issue of table manners revive forgotten remarks from your childhood. Remember those elbows on the table? Perhaps you were raised in a family with chatty, social mealtimes but your partner says it is much better for children to be quiet until they’ve finished their meal.

We don’t all follow family traditions, raising our children the way our parents brought us up. Sometimes adults react against their childhood memories. You may feel strongly that children should not have to eat up all their dinner and that bed times should not be fixed and rigid. Maybe you don’t want to be a stern disciplinarian but your partner, who doesn’t share your troubled memories, wants the children to have clear boundaries.

Differences of opinion may also develop with members of your extended family who have their own expectations about grandchildren, their behaviour and their education. Some issues have deep cultural or religious significance and parents who bring different traditions into their new family have to weigh up the kinds of compromise that each parent can accept.

There are no easy solutions and you need to talk it through as a couple and discuss things with the rest of your family.

Tips on communicating with each other

• Talk and listen to your partner’s concerns, priorities and confusions. Both of you need to say what you feel and believe to be most important.
• Bear in mind that your partner, or a relative, may have a good point or suggestion, even if the way they said it was not very helpful.
• Look for compromises that you can each live with, understanding that as your children grow, you will return to some discussions and may need to modify your attitude. Try to be even-handed; one parent will become irritated if she, or he, always gives way.
• Listen to the rest of the family, but come to your own decisions about what will happen with your children. Love and respect for your own parents can co-exist with making a different decision for this new generation.

Focus on the children
If you have a difference of opinion it is important to discuss it out of earshot of your children. They find it distressing if you argue in front of them and it doesn’t set a good example about handling disagreements. Show a consistent front. Children need to know where they stand or they may exploit the uncertainties. When more minor issues are involved, they can understand that Mum handles some things differently from Dad, or that Grandma will tolerate something that’s not allowed at home.

As your children get older and make a request you’re not sure about, you can postpone a decision with ‘I need to think about this’ or ‘Your Mum and I need to talk about this’. There will come a time when children and teenagers need to make their own choice on some issues. If you have managed to discuss and reason your way through parenting problems together, there’s a good chance your children will learn from your example. They will acquire the knack of putting their point of view, coping with different opinions and arriving at an acceptable compromise.

For more information:
See The Coram Family website.