Sue Quilliam explains why being in a committed relationship can make you feel alone

You're committed to your partner. You may be living together, engaged or married, even have children. You have no doubt that this is a serious love.

So why do you feel lonely? Surely, this isn't supposed to happen? You believed that if you found the love of your life, you would always havea best friend, someone to talk to and would never be lonely again.

Feeling like this doesn't make you weird, or unique. Many women have the same experience.

You can feel cut off from the world
When you commit yourself to your partner and your relationship, your life changes and as far as social contact goes, that shift is often for the worse.

Perhaps being a couple means you've cut yourself off from friends or family. Spending time with your partner seemed so important that everyone else in your life took a back seat.

Perhaps having children means that you are housebound and lacking adult contact. You become dependent on your partner for company, conversation and emotional support. And that's dangerous.

You can feel emotionally cut off
It's particularly dangerous because within any relationship, there's a natural move towards separation. This sounds strange as surely love brings you together?

But actually, once you commit yourselves, you spend more time apart. The first excitement's died and other things, like work and children, are more demanding. Even when you are together, you may not feel happy. Almost every couple hits problems when they start to build a committed relationship. You're different people, with different needs and it's a challenging tightrope to stay happy and fulfilled.

And, because you've always expected fulfilment, you may feel like a hopeless failure. At least when you are single, you can look forward to the companionship of love. When you're in a relationship and you're lonely, you ask yourself 'is this it?'

Connect to the world
So, is this it? Not necessarily. There's a lot you can do to turn the loneliness and your relationship round.

First, get realistic about what's possible. Because even with love, your partner can't give you all the attention in the world and can't make you feel good all the time. He's human, and he has his bad days too. He's not 'perfect' and can't be everything to you, even if he wanted to.

Don't feel bad if you have some needs that your partner can't meet. Instead, expand your world. Spread your needs more thinly, taking support and company from a number of people. Ring up friends and family, arrange a drink, go out for a meal and start building up your social life. If you've children, get a babysitter - take a break and get out.

Connect to your partner
And then, start getting close again to your partner. Because relationship loneliness also stems from lack of communication. You need to start to connect with each other all over again.

You may have to take the lead. Men in particular forget that talking and listening makes love work. So when you meet in the evening, for 15 minutes get him to talk. Make it a fulfilling experience for him to talk to you. Listen, ask questions and show an interest. He'll enjoy it if you do it genuinely and without resentment.

It's not easy to turn loneliness into connection. But it is possible. Don't panic and take it slowly - reversing such a trend takes time. But in time, you can regain the companionship between you, as well as the love.

But, if in reality, the love has died, then don't hesitate to get help. And if one or both of you won't do what the other needs because you're so full of anger, then get yourselves along to Relate.Call 01788 573241 for details of local centres.