Sometimes it can be helpful to look at things through the eyes of a child, and divorced parents, in particular, can gain vital insight

Provided by Divorcesource.com

Here's a scenario concerning how a certain child perceives different aspects of a divorce. A mother has a son who is very young. Her son has been talking about being afraid of hearing ghosts on frequent occasions. Not only is the child talking about hearing ghosts all the time but he is also following her around asking why Daddy isn't here to scare the ghosts away. This concerns the mother very much because the recent divorce is troubling the child. The woman doesn't know what to do.

What becomes evident to the mother is that when the little boy is worrying about something other than the divorce, it really means that he is having some problems with the divorce. He just doesn't know how to express himself any other way.

Reacting to changes
Young children do see the changes that are going on in the environment around them. They are aware of the changes that are taking place between the two parents and how they react to each other. They also see how these changes are affecting their own lifestyle changes. Some parents get divorced when the children are at a very young age. In spite of this, the children don't have many memories of the separation, but what they do know is how they feel at that moment.

When children are asked, 'What is the most disturbing part about your parents being divorced?' most children answer by saying that they don't get to see enough of the parent they don't live with. This is a perfectly logical answer. Every child wants to be with both of his parents.

What children say
Here are some comments that children have given when asked about their feelings about divorce - the age range of children is from 5-15 years:

• 'No-one could make all of this go away.'
• 'Why doesn't my mummy want to be here with all of us?'
• 'I don't understand why I go to my daddy's at weekends.'
• 'I can't remember ever seeing my parents together.'
• 'I remember always feeling as though it was all my fault, and I would cry myself to sleep a lot.'
• 'I think they still hate each other.'
• 'My parents have always been fair with me. Even though they were divorced, they were both always there for me. I love them for that.'
• 'I have grown up to be a very secure person. Both of my parents have always been there for me, and they both make time to talk to me together if that is what I need.'

Dawning realisation
Children are honest in what they see and experience, and they are able to describe how they perceive what is going on around them. Initially children do wish that their parents were still together, but as the years pass they come to the realisation that their parents got the divorce.

Remember, it is healthier for the child to grow up in a single parent family with little or no tension than it is for a child to be a part of a family unit that is in constant tension. Children do eventually realise why their parents split up. At a young age children want their parents to be together, but as children grow up, honesty and openness on the part of both parents can create a healthy environment for the child to grow up in.