Your first time with a new partner can be a nerve-wracking experience, especially for the young and sexually inexperienced. Susan Quilliam guides us through the basics

You've met a wonderful new partner. The chemistry is electric, you've kissed and cuddled, but then comes the big leap into having proper sex, intercourse. How do you do that? When do you do it? How soon is too soon? These are the questions that fill us with anguish. It's always tricky knowing how to go forward in a new relationship, but if you haven't had many partners, or it's your first time, the whole process can become really fraught.

Timing
First, when's the right time? In general, the better the relationship you have with someone, the better the sex is going to be. And we're not just talking lust here. If you're affectionate, can talk to each other, are able to confide hopes and dreams, then things will go better in bed. This isn't just a romantic ideal - it's a practicality. The more you know each other, the more pleasure you'll be able to give.

So use our five point checklist to tell whether you and your man are ready to take the leap to more intimacy - yes to more than three and you're on to a good thing; only one yes and you shouldn't be going ahead; and if yes to two, you may need a little more time to get to know each other:

1. Do you feel aroused when you're kissing and touching?
   
2. Can you talk to each other about what you like physically?
   
3. Are you starting to talk about the future, making plans at least six months ahead?
   
4. Have you helped each other through a bad time at least once?
   
5. Are you physically affectionate even when you're not being passionate?
   

Preparation
Frankly, you'll have a better experience if your first time is private, comfortable and undisturbed. So the back of the car or a bedroom at a party is not the best idea! If it's not possible to use your own bedroom, see if you can borrow a friend's for an hour or two, giving you time to kiss, cuddle, get worked up - and snuggle up together afterwards.

Talk about it upfront. Don't just assume that it'll all be perfect. Chat through any worries you have. If you think he's going to find your body a turn off, then tell him. And discuss too what you're going to do about contraception, rather than leaving it to the last moment or even - horror of horrors - finding he's assumed you're taking care of it.

It's essential you practice safe sex and use contraceptives to protect against pregnancy and infection. And the best way to do that is to use condoms. Don't put all responsibility on to him. Make sure you have some condoms handy yourself - get them from a vending machine if you're nervous of buying them over the counter. And if you're not sure how to put a condom on, check out Love Life UK for a step-by-step guide.

Doing it
Romantic novels make you think that the move from snogging to sex happens ecstatically, in a white-hot rush of passion. In fact, it probably won't be like that at all. You can find yourself fumbling with buttons, he may not know how to get your bra off, and knowing what to do after that may not always come naturally.

The problem-solving guide

1. You can't orgasm. Relax - most women don't orgasm through penetration alone; you need some stimulation on your clitoris. And the first time with any man may not be the right occasion for him to be trying to find that perfect combination that will bring you to climax. The secret here is not to panic - but, equally, not to assume that sex has to be all about penetration, as your man may assume it is. So after the first time together, start experimenting with different kinds of lovemaking.

2. You don't enjoy it. There's a difference between not climaxing and not enjoying sex at all. If you're really turned off, then either this is the wrong partner for you or he's the right partner using the wrong techniques. Most women need a good half hour of the right sort of stimulation to get ready for sex - and this varies from woman to woman. So don't panic if you don't enjoy yourself: given time and practice, sex will certainly get better.

3. He climaxes too quickly. If it's his first time too, he may not be able to control himself and may climax very quickly, or even before he enters you. Don't worry -and don't give him a hard time as it can happen to anyone. Instead, tell him how flattered you are that he couldn't control himself, wait a while and try again.

4. Afterwards is a disappointment. Men's hormones tend to dip after sex, so he may simply want to rest and sleep and that can make you feel unloved and unwanted. Your best bet is to snuggle up and doze - he'll almost certainly want to cuddle and talk more later. If he simply rolls off you and starts getting dressed, this is a seriously bad sign. What you deserve in a partner is someone who makes you feel good after you've made love.

Building on the first time
So you've started your sex life together? How can you make sure that it gets better and better after the first time?

The first step is to talk about it. The more you can discuss what turns you on, the more you play and experiment, the more likely it will get seriously good very quickly. So make a point after every lovemaking session, of asking each other what was really good - and doing that more. Plus, add in something new every time, just as an experiment - the books in our resource list will give you lots of ideas.

Second, don't do anything in bed you don't want to. As time goes by, if you feel at ease with each other, you can go on to include mutual masturbation (masturbation in front of each other) and oral sex. But these aren't things you may want to do right away - they may not even be things you want to do at all. If you're wary, tell your partner you're unsure and together experiment in ways that feel comfortable to you. If you really don't like something, say a clear no and don't be pressured into it - going ahead will only rebound on your sex life because you'll feel uneasy and resentful.

Finally, build not just on the sex, but also on your feelings for each other. Because - and I know I'm going to sound like your mother here - having sex with someone does create a lot of emotion. You may start to feel very close, vulnerable and dependent. And if you can use these feelings to build your relationship, get closer and show each other affection, then you'll be able to start to trust each other and let go more and more in bed.

Resources