Negotiate the minefield of the dating game

Tactic 1: Be fit for dating
We all get knock-backs - where a man's not interested or doesn't ring again after the first date or two. Women with what I call 'dating fitness' have optimism and confidence so that 'knock-backs' aren't the end of the world. They know there'll be other date-opportunities around the corner; that his lack of interest didn't necessarily reflect personally on them; and that men prefer women who don't make too many dating 'trade-offs' - like dumping friends as soon as he rings - just to get a date!

Tactic 2: Be fantastic at first impressions
I'd be rich if I had the proverbial pound for every woman who told me, 'I missed a chance when this great-looking bloke came into my office and I didn't have the guts to even look at him!' By planning ahead with all my advice, you won't miss opportunities as they arise and will still appear spontaneous! Once you've got a date lined up, just as footballers visualise scoring goals, start visualising your impending date as being fantastic. Run it like a film through your head - the evening goes from strength to strength, affirming to yourself all your positive points, and being calm and confident because you've got yourself sorted early.

Tactic 3: Be confident - avoid the 'I'm unworthy' complex!
Confidence is critical to your dating success and men notice the dirty dozen signs of when a woman feels 'unworthy'. The tell-tale signs of unworthiness include: when a woman gushes about her past successes and how many men are asking her out right now; when without prompting she claims she's not looking for 'anything special'; when she's overly flirtatious with too much touching; and when she asks to be compared to his exes all too soon. Being confident is incredibly attractive and my advice is to at least appear confident - even if you're nervous inside!

Tactic 4: Be sexy - not easy
Hugh Grant once spoke for 99% of men when he said he missed the 'chase' - implying that women just put it on a plate for him. This is the real world - not some phoney ideal world where men are tender-hearted romantics who never judge a woman who sleeps with them soon. If only! When presented with the opportunity most men will have sex but won't pursue a romance with what they see as an easy woman. Sounds harsh but deep down they feel she's decreased her 'social' value. However you can still have fun flirting until you decide when you're ready to have sex - or not.

Tactic 5: Be busy - avoid the princess syndrome
Men want you to have a life - not hang by the phone - as it takes the pressure off them to 'look after' you and be the centre of your universe. Tactic five is about how 'princesses' are high-maintenance. Most men do not want high-maintenance - they want an equal. Give up your 'princess' ways and keep living life while you're getting to know him.

Tactic 6: Be knowing - not a know-it-all
Men don't want dumb blondes but at the same time find it hard to handle how aggressive some women have become in proving themselves through conversation. You can be assertive at work, you can be assertive with the salesman you're buying your new car from or the estate agent trying to sell you a house. But with him - have fun! Talk to him like you don't have anything to prove. Conversation when getting to know each other should be like a friendly game of tennis, not as though you're smashing 'aces' at him!

Tactic 7: Be able - to sort the princes from frogs
Listen to your common sense and intuition - e.g., if he never rings when he says he will, flirts with anything in a skirt, ignores you when with the lads - then he's a frog! Too many women hope their 'frogs' will morph into a prince - it doesn't happen. Be clear on frog-behaviours to look out for so you don't waste your precious time.

Tactic 8: Be mysterious - don't give the game away
What's sexier - a slow strip tease or flinging your clothes off? The former raises anticipation and heightens excitement. The same goes for letting a man get to know your personality and your life. You don't always have to tell him where you're going, who you've been speaking to, what you're planning for a free night, or how long it takes to do your make-up, hair and shave your legs - leave a bit of a mystery and he'll keep coming back for more.

Tactic 9: Be a bit of a bitch - in the nicest possible way
Most women are just too nice. They feel they can't have an opinion. Can't say what they'd like to do on a date. Can't stave off male pressure to have sex or even dump a guy when after two dates they know he's not the one. Tactic 9 is about setting your boundaries early and expressing them, especially when he doesn't seem to be getting the message!

Tactic 10: Be aware of dating blind spots
There are loads of 'blind spots' we need to watch out for, money being one of them. Don't get flustered over who should pay - just be straight about what you feel comfortable with. Or when he doesn't ring after taking your number. Be aware of my 'rule-of-three' - the critical hurdles of three dates, three weeks and three months. Learn how to cope with dates from hell (we've all had them!) and avoid the trap of stereotyping men. Essentially, keep your eyes open so you are as successful as possible in dating.

Extracted from The Dating Survival Guide (Robson Books 2002, £6.99)

Dr Pam Spurr is a psychologist, life coach and agony aunt. Author of six books, including The Dating Survival Guide and The Break Up Survival Kit, Dr Pam is a regular face on television programmes, including Trisha, GMTV, BBC World News and Living TV. She is also well known for her weekly sex column for the News of the World and her Saturday night show, Dr Pam's Life and Love, on LBC radio. After her divorce in 1992 Dr Pam dated for a few years before meeting her second husband, who now lives with her and her children in London.

Date for your diary! Chat to Dr Pam live on August 14th at 1pm