The best-selling author talks to iVillage about marital break-ups, families and stereotypes

Joanna Trollope is the best-selling author of Girl from the South, Marrying the Mistress, The Rector's Wife, Other People's Children and many more. She talks to iVillage about her life and work.

Marrying the Mistress…
'It's a fresh look at an old situation: a man, his wife and his mistress. In my book, I look beyond the stereotype, which is that a man who leaves his wife is just seeking sex. The wife thinks that she is the victim, and the other woman is always the Jezebel.

I don't mean to imply that this stereotype is never true; I'm looking at it from a different perspective. Here, we have a man who needs his self-esteem, a woman who takes power games too far, and a mistress who's actually a nice woman. These characters need to be explored, since they exist in real life.'

Challenging stereotypes…

'I wrote Marrying the Mistress because I'm interested in taking a fresh look at universal social standards. Almost everyone is trying to do the right thing - but when emotions are involved, this isn't always possible.

In my other book, Other People's Children, I defend the stepmother. The stepmother is always regarded as second best, and I don't believe that's true. A stepfamily can mend a broken home.

Defending an unpopular social category fascinates me. I thought it would be interesting to look at a character that is fascinated and feared, the "other woman", the mistress. I wanted to find out why men take mistresses, and how a mistress of today is different from those of the past.'

The Rector's Wife…

'The seeds of this book were sown during my childhood. I was born in the winter of 1943; my father was in the army. He went to India and didn't return until I was three years old. I spent my childhood with my grandmother and grandfather.

My grandmother married a priest in the 1950s; he was charming and witty, but she found the isolation and frustration of the life of a preacher's wife intolerable. My grandfather believed that his parish needed him more than his family, and his wife was indiscreet about her feelings. The concept for The Rector's Wife stems from that childhood experience.'

Negative feedback…
'Reader reactions to Marrying the Mistress have been in favour of the wife. How do I feel about this? I firmly believe that women deserve to be viewed as moral creatures, but they have to earn this status. It shouldn't be handed to them simply because of their gender. My heart went out to Laura, the wife, but I couldn't condone her exploitation of her son. She wanted him to compensate for his father's desertion. I asked a lawyer whether he sees similar situations in real life, and he said yes, all the time.

Women abuse their grown sons to get what they want. Laura is an imaginary character, but her actions are true to life. Women don't always behave beautifully; we have to acknowledge that their conduct isn't perfect. And during book signings, many women approached me and said, "I am a mistress."'

Her childhood…
'I grew up in Britain at the end of the Second World War. After the war, soldiers returned to a world that was depleted by the war. They were greeted briefly as heroes, but then they just wanted to get on with life. Food rationing didn't stop until I was eight years old. There was no meat, eggs and fruit. There were no books. My household was civilised; daily life had a pinched feeling. That didn't contribute to a freedom-filled childhood. I remember the discipline more than the spirit of adventure. The first real freedom I experienced was at 19 years old, when I entered Oxford. But this rather strict childhood did me no harm at all.'

Putting her life into her books…
'In a way Other People's Children and Marrying the Mistress reflect certain parts of my own life. I've been married twice, and I'm a stepmother. I'm close to my stepsons, even though I'm no longer married to their father. But I would never put an exact life experience of my own into one of my books; it would hurt other people.

I have a very strong sense of ethics. I have a very large family, to whom I'm very close: parents, a brother, a sister, two daughters, two stepsons and grandchildren. They mean so much to me, and I would never do anything to distress them. I will do everything in my power to protect their privacy. The press is very invasive.

Everything I observed in my own life, though, informs and enriches all that I write. I don't believe there is any such thing as a 'normal family'. Every family is idiosyncratic and difficult - but each is still a success. That's because the family unit is where we, as children, learn our human skills and how to interact with others. These subtle accomplishments cannot be learned without a little bloodshed. People who say they lived wonderful, problem-free lives are really saying they haven't lived at all. "Dysfunctional" is not a word to be ashamed of. It means you have participated in the human race, with all its troubles and triumphs.'

Her hardest novel…
'There were two novels that were hard to write. One was Other People's Children because of the subject matter. The topic was so painful; it had to be explored, but I didn't like doing it.

The other difficult book was Marrying the Mistress. I wrote it after the end of my second marriage. The break-up was horrible; I became so disoriented that I wondered if I'd ever be able to write again. In Britain, Australia, New Zealand this has been the most successful book I've ever written. So it was more than worth the effort - and I also feel I'm armoured against whatever the future may throw at me. It was a question of writing myself into professional confidence. I have to admit that I am now very quietly proud of the struggle it took to produce this book.'

Getting her first book published…
'My experience was the reverse of most authors'. Most best-selling authors can show you closets full of rejection slips. I'm the opposite; the first serious novel I wrote was accepted by the second publisher I sent it to. It was published with other novels, all historical fiction. I never seemed to be making progress. It wasn't until I started to write fiction that things went my way. Even then I was ahead of my time, because everyone was reading sex blockbusters.

It wasn't until my fourth novel that I hit the jackpot - and then it was a gentle jackpot. It was on Top 10 lists for a year, not because of hype but because of quiet word of mouth.'