Refuge worker Sharon Waugh gives an exclusive insight into a week in the life of a safe house for women

Monday

Over the weekend two new women, Hayley and Kim, arrived. One of them is pressing charges against her partner and mid chat we discover that the CID are on their way to the refuge to take her to the police station.

At the refuge we receive regular donations – more so at Christmas than the rest of the year. Today we were given a box of linen, which is really useful. We receive all sorts of things – tinned food, pasta, soap, linen, UHT milk. Everything comes in handy, especially when we have women arriving with no money who are waiting for their social service benefits to be processed. At Christmas we often receive lovely brand new toys for the children. We never turn anything down as it always comes in useful. The other week we received six boxes of sanitary towels and tampons, which made everyone laugh.

One of the residents wants to talk. She is feeling a little low today and needs a shoulder to cry on. Women arrive at the refuge when they have reached their breaking point – the stage where they have accepted that there is nothing more they can do to save their relationship or help their partner to change. I always feel that it is a last resort for any woman to come into a refuge. Some women stay a while and then return to their partners. Sadly, the violence commonly escalates with a woman’s return. The partner will do everything he can to ensure she doesn’t leave again. Thankfully, most women who come to refuges don’t return. They stay for as long as it takes to be rehoused, which can take over six months, and try to rebuild their lives. Recovering from an abusive relationship is an emotionally difficult process, but in a refuge women can receive counselling and, of course, get vital support and friendship from women in a similar position. The friends you make in a refuge are often the best friends you will ever have.

Tuesday

On the answerphone there’s a message from a distressed woman needing advice. When returning the calls, I must be careful to say as little as possible until I know for sure that I’m speaking to the right woman. To reveal my identity before I’m sure it is her could well put her in extreme danger. If a man answers I always say I’m selling double glazing.

We vet all calls. Many people get offended but we have to be careful. The police, in particular, get irritated when you won't divulge details about the refuge. We’ve had policeman's wives and partners in refuges and can’t take the risk of giving the police any information that could be used to track a woman down. If the police do need the address, we ask them to write it down on paper and then tear it up afterwards.

We take many calls from women in crisis – they range from simple questions to requests for space in the refuge. Sometimes the calls are silent – we do not push the woman to speak. Sometimes they just need to know that there is someone that cares at the other end of the phone. Some women just want to tell you everything and once they start they can't stop. They have to get every last piece of the story out. Some need advice, some just want someone to listen. I have spoken to women on the phone when their partners have overheard the conversation. I have had to listen to the woman getting beaten up before the line goes dead. This is very distressing as, typically, we do not know where the woman is and she tends to bar the number. Even if the number is not barred, to return the call could put her in even more danger. There is nothing we can do except hope that she rings us back. Sometimes she does, but more often she doesn’t. Then if we happen to hear on the radio or news that a woman has been killed, we all wonder if it was her.

One of the new women has decided not to stay in the refuge – there can be numerous reasons. They might not like the atmosphere of a shared house or the location. Each woman is different and a refuge is not necessarily the right place for everyone.

Wednesday

We have our weekly house meeting. This is the women’s time to discuss any concerns they have with the house. The cleaning rota is the biggest bone of contention in the house and we discuss it again. Although everyone agrees to do their fair share, we know it won't last. We always run through a fire and emergency situation scenario. The house is fitted with several panic alarms, which are linked to the police control room and guarantee an immediate response. We cannot afford to become complacent about the women’s security. Refuge workers always carry personal attack alarms in case a violent partner follows us. This may seem extreme but it is necessary.

Last year we had a Scottish woman, Sarah, and her small child staying with us. She had done everything in her power to make herself safe: changed her name, changed her car registration plates, told no one of her whereabouts – not even her mother. She completely reinvented herself because she knew that her husband would be looking for her and she knew that if he found her, he would kill her.

This is a man who dangled her out of a 5th floor window by her ankles while she was holding her child. This is a man that smashed her arm in six places when he went for her head with a baseball bat and she put her arm up to defend herself. She was with us for three months. Her husband hired a private detective who found her – we don't know how. The private detective knew where my colleagues and I lived. He had also taken pictures of us, the other women in the refuge, and of Sarah arriving and leaving the refuge.

One day I saw a man walking up to the front door. Sarah had given us a picture of her husband just in case he found the refuge and, thankfully, our office looks out on to the driveway so we can see who is coming. I recognised the man to be her husband. At the time we did not have the alarm systems – they were installed as a consequence of this incident.

My colleague rang 999 while I ran through the house literally shoving all the women and children, including Sarah, into one room and told them to barricade the door. I told them it was Sarah’s husband. I will never forget the look on her face. She went grey. She looked as though she had completely given up. Now I realise that look was her staring death in the face. Her husband would not go away and was bashing on the front door, trying to kick it in. It took 20 minutes for the police to respond, but it felt like an eternity. Of course he acted like a perfect gentleman when they did arrive and they couldn’t arrest him, as legally, he’d done nothing wrong. He said he would go of his own accord if he could just talk to his wife. Despite trying to persuade her not to talk to him, she went. She felt concerned for the safety of the other women. It was terrible. Everyone was screaming at her not to go and tried to drag her away from the door. But she was like a zombie. Women pleaded with me to stop her but I couldn’t as it was her choice.

The police stayed with her while she spoke to him and it was then he admitted to hiring a private detective to find her. While they talked we madly rang around and found her a space at another refuge. For her own safety she had to move on. It was very sad, as she had made close friends in the refuge. Sarah has now left the country, seeing this as her only means of escape. My colleague and I received counselling after this incident as it really shook us to the core. We felt so responsible for all the women in the refuge. It made us realise how much danger we put ourselves in everyday – and that is hard to take on board.

Thursday

One of the residents, Hayley, feels depressed. She knows if she goes back to her violent husband her children will be taken into care as they will be at risk of violence. But she still loves him. She knows he won’t change but she wants to believe that he will. He told her the night before on her mobile phone that he loves her and will get help. She changed her mobile number the next day as he was tempting her to give him one more chance. She wants him to be like the man she fell in love with and married.

The phone calls have left her feeling very vulnerable and confused and she needs reassurance that leaving him was the right thing to do and that one day, the pain will go away. Hayley still bears the scars of a bad beating and has severe facial bruising and stitches in her mouth, but the pain she’s referring to is not physical.

Friday

Last night Hayley decided to return to her partner. The other women told us she’d left. We have a duty to report this to Social Services as this man is violent and they have two children. There is a good chance that the children could get caught in the crossfire. Reporting this is not a very pleasant part of the job, but it needs to be done. We have to act in the best interests of the children as well as the woman.

We clean her room and make it ready for the next person. We always put some toiletries out to make it welcoming for new arrivals. Often other women in the refuge take responsibility for getting rooms ready. It empowers them as they are helping someone to feel welcome, just as someone once did for them. One of the most important aspects of being in a refuge is to restore the independence and confidence a woman has lost from being in a violent relationship.

The afternoon is spent planning the children’s Christmas party in the refuge. The refuge can accommodate up to seven women and we have between 15 and 20 children at any one time. We always include all the residents’ mothers and invite ex-residents going back one year. We’ll have an entertainer, disco, face painter and henna tattoo artist. Everyone contributes to the party and it brings so much pleasure to the refuge at a potentially difficult time of year.