In an ideal world, men wouldn't need to shave. It is, quite literally, a pain in the neck. But this is not an ideal world, and if we dispensed with shaving we would soon have (a) beards (b) no girlfriends. Shaving it is, then!

In the adverts, a lightly-oiled yuppie hunk glides a gleaming razor over his chiselled chops until they glisten sufficiently for a nearby lingerie model to rub her face against them and coo libidinous endearments in his ear. The reality, as all men know, is falling out of bed, sticking your bleary-eyed mug in the mirror, and scraping off the stubble with a blunt Bic disposable razor to reveal the horror beneath - after which you slap on something pongy and stifle a scream.

Take your time
It's worth taking a bit of time over your shave and using the right gear. Many of us produce tough, cross-grained and occasionally ingrown stubble (a frequent cause of razor bumps). So the first thing you need is a decent exfoliating scrub, which softens up the bristle and helps release any trapped hairs. Those which remain under the skin can be gently dislodged by the precise application of a clean pair of tweezers. Use the scrub on your entire face while you're at it. The aptly-named Simple company produces a Skin Defence For Men Triple Action Scrub which works well(£4.49 a 125ml tube).

Wet or dry?
The next question is: wet or dry? Electric dry shavers have their fans - including, apparently, James Bond - but they're of limited use to those of us with difficult stubble, even when fitted with "comfort control", a moisturising cream dispenser or dual rocket launchers. There are electric wet shavers available, but for close cutting and getting to the fiddly bits, the familiar safety razor can only be topped by the open or "straight" razor - and you will be too, if you're the slightest bit careless with this Sweeney Todd accessory. Stick with something like the Gillette Mach 3. Despite its pricey replacement blades, and its ludicrously macho name - implying that no sooner have you left the house than it flies out the window and patrols the free world's skies - it's a decent product.

Now you need to lube up. Men's grooming is a boom market, and the pharmacy shelves are stuffed with shaving creams, oils and unguents. Most of them are adequate, but you would be better off borrowing a bit of high-class salon conditioner from your missus. After all, this is hair you're dealing with, and you want it to be - that's right - soft and manageable. Paul Mitchell's The Conditioner (£6.85/250ml) or Kérastase's Hair Repair treatment (£11.50/150ml) aren't cheap, but a little bit makes for a pretty slick shave.

Avoiding razor burn
Now comes the shaving action itself. It's common for chaps to pull the skin taut and make long, sweeping passes with the razor, against the grain. This flattens the hairs against the skin and makes razor burn much more likely. Try shaving a small area at a time, with the skin pushed rather than pulled, so that the hairs stand up. Use lots of gentle, quick, tiny strokes, with the grain. Don't press the razor against your skin to get a closer shave; if the blade is sharp, it shouldn't be necessary.

Look what you're doing
Don't ever shave without a mirror - in the shower for example. Shaving by braille means you may remove part of your haircut by accident, and have your barber call you "a nutter". I'm speaking from cruel experience. A steam-free magnifying mirror is your friend, wherever you shave. Double-check with your fingers for missed patches, particularly at the side of the neck, on your chin and most crucially, that little dent between your nose and your upper lip.

If you have cuts, for God's sake don't put fragments of toilet roll on them. You will forget to take them off, I promise. Apply a styptic pencil instead. Aftershaves make a virtue of sealing up cuts with their astringency. This is a bad thing, and not just because it hurts like hell. If you must use aftershave, get an alcohol-free one which won't dry out your skin and leave you a prematurely-aged husk of a man.

Final touches
Always finish off by moisturising your face and neck. Once again, there are plenty of products aimed at men which sound as if they were devised by Andy McNab: Titanium Anti-Oxidant Free Radical Assassin and so on. Despite what the adverts tell you, men's skin is not so very different from women's that you can't use whatever your girlfriend does. Nobody will know. Just make sure it has a built-in sunscreen and doesn't smell of lilacs. And you're done. Go get 'em, tiger. What do you mean, you're an hour late for work? Ever though about shaving at night?