From being honest about your goals to conquering conflict -six ways to fine-tune your relationship

If you stick to just one resolution this new year, make it giving your relationship an overhaul. Even if things are great between you, there's always room for some fine-tuning. So what are you waiting for?

Be honest about your goals
When you first met, you were probably so in love that it didn't matter whether you shared the same goals. But as your relationship deepens, you need to make sure you're both heading in the same direction. So now it's time to sit down together and discuss what you want for the future. Fun? A mortgage? A glittering career? Children?

Where you find a match, celebrate and start developing action plans. But if you find a mismatch, don't panic. You can keep a relationship together, even with differing aims. You just might have to compromise a little bit more. So perhaps one of you can go travelling while the other stays at home. Or agree to have fun this year and get all sensible to buy a flat next year.

The only goal you shouldn't compromise on is kids. If one of you wants them and the other doesn't, don't get pregnant and hope to change your partner's mind. Having children is a responsibility that shouldn't be attempted if one of you isn't truly keen.

For extra help, read Ben Renshaw's book Together But Something Missing (Vermilion, £8.99).

Keep talking
So many of the problems in relationships are caused by expecting each other to behave in a particular way - and then being disappointed when things don't go as you imagined. Each of you may well have different ideas of what is important, but unless you communicate them to each other, you will go around in circles.

Start talking now! Discuss the big issues in detail at least once a year, so that you each know what is expected of you, and can aim to please. Miscommunication danger zones for most couples are:

Money: who should earn, who can spend - do you need to consult your other half before making buying decisions?

Division of responsibilities: who works, who stays at home, who does the housework, and who looks after the kids?

Leisure: making sure you both have time to see friends or enjoy hobbies. How long is it OK to spend apart - an evening, a week, or even a year?

Family: what responsibilities do you have, how much time should you spend with each other's families?

Sex: are you both happy in bed, and if not, what can you do to recapture the heady passion from the early days?

For extra help, read my book Love Coach, which you can order from Vine House Distribution, price £6.99 (01825 723398 credit card line).

Get loved-up
It's all too easy to take your partner for granted. They know that you love them, so why do you need to keep on telling them? But complimenting them can make a vast difference to the quality of your relationship, according to Arthur Aaron, of the State University of New York. He has researched love for decades and reckons that mutual appreciation is the key to love. In one of his experiments, perfect strangers were encouraged to make genuinely appreciative comments to each other - and even though the experiment lasted less than an hour, some fell in love and later married!

Start telling your partner not just that you care but why you care, and what you value and love about them. Then never let a day go by without an appreciative comment.

For extra help, read Susan Page's book IIf We're So in Love, Why Aren't We Happy? (Piatkus, £10.99).

Don't be lazy!
You may think you are talking to each other, but over time you can get lazy about just how you communicate together. To get on the right track, set aside time each evening so that each of you gets ten minutes to talk about the day's events.

When talking, don't just say what happened but also what you thought and how you felt about it - allow yourself to dwell on the day's problems so that once you've spoken about them, you can put them aside. Then when you're done, thank your partner for their attention.

When it's your turn to listen, keep eye contact with your partner so that they know you are concentrating. Sit close - touching if possible - so they feel supported, and sympathise with encouraging noises. But don't butt in with your own thoughts! You've already had your turn, remember?

For extra help, read Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate (Piatkus, £9.99).

Conquer conflict
Psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington reckons that the secret of happy relationships is not being conflict free - all couples have disagreements. It's being able to resolve the conflicts. So next time you feel a row brewing, use this quick 'three R' strategy to chill things out:

Relax. Stop, breathe deeply, count to ten and drop your voice tone to appear less aggressive.

Review. Think calmly about what's really happening - will arguing really solve anything? What would work better?

Reach out. Touch your partner or make a soothing comment - create the conditions for resolving, rather than escalating, the conflict.

For extra help, read John Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last (Bloomsbury, £6.99).

Ask the professionals
Don't hold back from getting help if you feel that your relationship is going too far off the rails to get it back on track yourself. All couples hit bad patches and need support. Even if your partner won't go with you, don't let it stop you going to counselling on your own. If you make a change in yourself, or in your attitude to the relationship, this will naturally shift things between you. Visit Relate for details of your local relate services.