Positive parenting

Being a parent is not just about how to discipline your children effectively. Jo Douglas, author of Toddler Troubles discusses nurturing, protecting and understanding your kids

Are you feeling unhappy about how stressed you feel by caring for your pre-schooler? Are you shouting more than you mean to because your child never seems to listen to you and doesn't do as they are told? If you answered yes to the above, it's time to improve the quality of your relationship.

Love list
Firstly, you need to remember what you love about your child rather than concentrating on their problems. Write down a list of all of the things you like and enjoy about your child. He may be very affectionate, have lovely blond curly hair, love to look at books, be cuddly, have a good sense of humour or have a an infectious laugh. These are important characteristics to remember to help soften any problems you are coping with - his hyperactivity, his temper tantrums and his bedwetting. Remember that despite his problems, you love him.

You need to build on the good qualities and improve your relationship with your child so that you both enjoy being together. So take some time each day to be with them when there are no distractions. Remember that this time is precious, so enjoy every moment.

  • Let your child choose the activity, while you just be 'there', playing, joining in and helping. Try encouraging him with comments like: 'What a lovely truck,' 'Look how many cars you've managed to get into the garage.'
  • Praise him: talk about what he is doing and touch him positively - a pat on the head or a quick hug is all it takes.
  • Try not to ask questions, make criticisms, give commands or reprimand him during this time; stay positive and attentive.

Jim's story
Jim's dad was proud that he had made a commitment to take his son to school each day so that they could have some special time together away from the rest of the family. He had been told that this would be good for their relationship and ease some of the conflict that they were having. But when Jim was asked about this time, he revealed that his dad spent most of the time on his mobile phone, so they didn't talk about anything. Sadly, Jim's father had missed the point of the special time: to give all of his attention to his son.

Learning how to play
Play is a vital part of children's lives as they grow up. It provides an opportunity to try out new skills and ideas; to imitate what they have seen; to work out their feelings, and to learn how to make friends and be in a social group. Playing with your toddler is also a very important part of your role as a parent. He needs you to watch and learn from, to check out what is safe, and for help when he cannot manage on his own.

While it's tempting to leave your child to play on his own while you get on with the list of jobs that needs to be done; you will find that you are continually interrupted when he needs help or that he will come and play under your feet to get your attention. Take the opportunity when it is presented to find the time to play with your child every day. You may have forgotten how to play if this is your first child, so sit and watch and gradually build up confidence as your child involves you in his activity.

Don't take over
Play is a time for learning, but don't always turn it into teaching. I have seen so many parents sit down to play with their children, only to fire a set of questions at them. 'What colour is the car?' 'How many cars are there?' 'Let's count the cars.' Your child wants to play; not answer questions which are irrelevant in his eyes.

It is also very easy to take over the play if you are not used to playing with pre-schoolers. You might be tempted to sort and categorise by putting all of the red cars together when all your child wants to do is push them around the floor, making 'brum brum' noises. Be careful about how you play and try to watch your child; reflect what he is doing and be responsive to his approaches to you. If you find that your child tends to wander off or plays with something else while you are playing with him, then think about what you are doing and whether he is being included in the play (Webster-Stratton & Herbert, 1994).

Handling aggressive play
Andy, a 4-year-old, worried his mother with the amount of anger and fighting he showed when playing with his toys. He had some animals and would always make the lion eat the others, and talked about legs and heads coming off and blood on the floor. He was obsessed with guns and would turn anything into a gun, often pushing it into her face and shooting her. He would throw soft toys on the floor and jump on them angrily as if trying to destroy them.

Playing with a child who is showing a lot of aggressive play can be upsetting. Research watching mothers playing with their aggressive children found that they tended to make value judgements about the play: 'Oh, that's a horrible thing to do', or 'That's not very nice'. They often tried to stop the play by removing the toy or changing the topic of the game, or left the child alone when they played aggressively (Landy & Menna, 2001). But mothers of unaggressive children were more likely to join in the play, even if it was aggressive, by taking a role. They were able to reflect their child's feelings and help damp down the aggression by keeping the child's feelings under control.

Joining in
Most children show some aggression in their play, so rather than trying to stop it because it worries you, it seems far better to allow your child to carry on as long as it doesn't accelerate into physical hitting or swearing. He may need help to calm down a bit if he is getting over-excited so both you and he need to know the limits. If you join in the play and become one of the characters you are in a better position to be able to oversee what is happening. Try out the following ideas:

'The lion would like to be friends with the rabbit now.'

'It is time for them to have supper together now? What would they like to eat?'

'The soldier has killed all of the animals, what is he going to do now? Do you think he could go in the truck and take all of those bags to the fort?'

Play can help your child work out his anger and frustration, but it should not be allowed to escalate out of control or become so repetitive that your child's play becomes restricted and unable to develop. Your child needs to use play to learn how to understand the views of others, to be sociable and co-operative and to be able to control how he feels. Gently moving him on when he gets stuck, by positive guidance rather than restricting what he is doing, is by far your best approach.

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Excerpted with permission of the publisher John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. fromToddler Troubles by Jo Douglas. Copyright © 2002 by John Wiley & Sons,Ltd. This book is also available at Wiley Europe, or by calling 44-1243 779-777.