Increasing your child's self-confidence and self-esteem

Jo Douglas, author of Toddler Troubles, gives advice about how we can help our children grow up feeling good about themselves; being able to cope with their own feelings and being able to empathise with others' feelings

We live in a competitive world and some parents may consider that emotional sensitivity is the opposite of the aggressively competitive skills needed to succeed. But it is not always possible to be top of the pile and we mostly have to cope with being some way down but feeling OK about it.

Praising effort
Helping children feel good about themselves is one way of immunising them against bumps they will have throughout their lives. We are not all geniuses and there will always be someone who finds the work easier or gets better marks at school. To stop our children giving up on the competition and saying it's all a waste of time, we need to help them feel good about their achievements and their efforts.

Children with low self-esteem tend to think that things are too hard for them to do. They avoid challenging themselves as they think they will fail. They may feel worried or anxious and are easily discouraged.

Self-esteem and self-confidence start in the preschool years. A child whose efforts at art are laughed at or turned upside-down and asked, 'What is it?', will feel embarrassed and start to hide their work, tear it up, say 'it's no good' or stop doing it. Putting your child's artistic effort on the fridge, encouraging him to talk about what he has done in the picture, pointing out good bits and saying what a good painter he is will produce a totally different set of feelings in him. He is more likely to try again, improve his efforts and be proud to show you what he has done.

Sibling rivalry
Siblings can also have a significant impact on a child's self-confidence. A younger child may be always trying to be like the elder one. Your children will have different strengths and weaknesses and if one is good at football while the other isn't, this can lead to a lot of resentment and avoidance of even trying because of the innate competition between siblings. One may be more musical, more artistic or more academic than the other. It is up to you to help bring out their strengths and help them feel that their efforts are worth it. In general it is probably easier to help them shine at different activities. If you are a musical family, encourage different instruments or if you are a sporty family, encourage different sports to suit each child's temperament and abilities.

Don't over-generalise
The other key to developing a sense of self-esteem is how you define your child. Over-generalising when reprimanding a child will attribute bad characteristics that can stick.

  • 'You never listen to what I say.'
  • 'You are always such a naughty boy.'
  • 'You've got a bad memory.'
  • 'You are a very rude and bad-tempered girl.'

These statements are over-inclusive and make a personality feature out of an event. As parents, we have to remember to list the event or behaviour as a problem, not the child.

  • 'I don't like it when you lose your temper, because you can be so helpful at other times.'
  • 'I feel unhappy when you are rude to your brother.'

The opposite is not such a problem, but we need to be careful that the standard set is not too high and out of keeping with how the child feels. It is much safer to keep evaluative comments to specific instances and then you don't run the risk of imposing your evaluation of a good quality of the child upon them. It is safer to say, 'That's a great picture, you have painted it so well', rather than, 'You are such a good artist'.

Taking risks
The over-protective parent is the other obstacle in the way of a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. If you are a worrier and are overly-concerned about your child's safety and try to stop him taking risks of any sort, you could be interfering with your child's natural ability to explore and find out his own strengths and weaknesses. Over-generalisations, like a worried, 'Be careful', increases your child's worry rather than helping him to take more care. 'Do you want to hold my hand as you walk on the wall?' is more constructive and identifies to your child that you are available to help if he gets into trouble. As your toddler grows, he will want to be more independent. Your job is to help him through safe transitions so that he learns to manage by himself, become more self-reliant and confident. You need to let him go a little in order for him to develop and learn.

We all gain confidence by practising and doing. We all make mistakes but they are not the end of the world and we can often learn from them. So encourage your child to experiment and try new activities to deal with change and to be flexible enough to cope with what life throws at him.

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Excerpted with permission of the publisher John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. fromToddler Troubles by Jo Douglas. Copyright © 2002 by John Wiley & Sons,Ltd. This book is also available at Wiley Europe, or by calling 44-1243 779-777.