|
Warning: time apart could rescue your relationship
Barely a week goes by without a celebrity couple announcing their 'separation'. But often, the news of a celebrity separation is just a polite way of saying that they're on non-speaking terms and their relationship has totally broken down beyond repair.
However, in the real world, a separation need not signify the end, but the start of a healing process - a positive move towards saving a relationship that has hit the rocks.
Why separate?
If your relationship has reached crisis point, taking a break from each other can be the answer to your problems. Yes, it's good to hang on in there and solve the problems together, but if the relationship has become too stressful and tense for you to cope with, separation can help.
If one or both of you are undergoing serious life changes - perhaps coming to terms with a job crisis, family illness or bereavement - you may need time apart in order to come to terms with the changes. John Thaw famously separated from his wife Sheila during her fight with breast cancer as he needed time to come to terms with her illness.
If you're not sure where the relationship is going and you want to know if your life would improve if you were apart, then consider living separately for an agreed period of time. The separation can remind you of why you fell in love; what you love about each other and can demonstrate that you are happier and more fulfilled together than apart - even if the relationship goes through difficult patches. However, the separation can also demonstrate that break-up is the wisest route for one or both of you.
How do you know when to separate?
Everyone's threshold is different, so there are no clear rules. However, here are some guidelines. Read the questions below and answer yes or no. If you answer yes to one of the questions, you may survive; two, you should think about separation; three or more, there is a strong case for separating.
The pain is always greater than the pleasure in your relationship.
You keep revisiting the same, serious problems without making any headway.
You think constantly about leaving - even when things don't seem too bad.
You are physically or emotionally ill as a result of your relationship strain.
Other parts of your life - work, the kids - are suffering because of the partnership problems.
There's drug-taking, drinking, compulsive gambling or violence within the relationship.
You can't talk about your problems together because one or both of you won't talk - or starts an argument every time.
Setting it up
If you want to try separating, telling your partner will be tough: try to honestly explain your reasons without offering false reassurance. If you are on the receiving end of the news, try to stay calm and don't assume that a separation automatically leads to divorce.
It's important to work out the practicalities, such as sorting out who will stay in the family home and who will move out. If you have children, access will need to be negotiated. And remember: if you're not living together - even temporarily - your financial arrangements may need adapting.
Create an emotional agreement. Each of you may have different expectations of how the separation will work. Will you meet regularly or have no contact for a certain period of time? Are you free to date? When will you review the situation and make a decision about what to do next? This conversation will be difficult, but it's important to be clear about these separation issues.
Only once you've addressed these practical and emotional issues should you tell your friends and family about your plans. Be prepared for shocked reactions and messages of doom and gloom. Many people will assume that your relationship is finished and you may find your friends, colleagues and family treating you as if you've already divorced. It will be particularly hard to tell children that you are separating, so seek advice on how to handle this. Try calling Parentline on 0808 800 2222 for support.
While you are apart
Separation is not about preparing yourself for divorce. If divorce is certain, see a solicitor and get things moving. Separation is about getting perspective on the situation and finding out what is the best way forward for the relationship. When you separate, don't concentrate on staying busy and filling your days with frenetic action. Take some time out to think.
Take action to develop yourself. Your relationship may have hit problems because you are going through a crisis or life change - or because old distresses from your past are making you difficult to live with now. So get support to build your self-esteem and ability to give to others. Read Loving Yourself, Loving Another by Julia Cole (Vermilion, £7.99).
Take action to work on your relationship. You can do this by using the times you meet your partner to talk things through and renegotiate what you want. But just as importantly, you need to develop your relationship skills. Read Staying Together by Susan Quilliam (Vermilion, £9.99).
Get counselling - you have a much better chance of making things work if you get expert help. Log on to Relate's website at www.relate.co.uk for details of counsellors in your area.
Getting back together - or not
Over time - three months is a good minimum, but it may take longer - you will start to come to some decision about whether to try and live together again. But don't make this decision just on the grounds that you feel romantic about each other again because you've been apart. The bottom line is that if you don't change things at a deeper level, when you get back together, things will be just the same as before.
If one or both of you decides for certain that there is no point in continuing the relationship, then part permanently. Don't drag things out by prolonging the separation. Get support to survive the break-up and start again.
If you decide to get back together, prepare for it. Talk openly about what has to be different, and how you are going to make it different. Talk too about what you have realised since you've been apart and how you have changed.
Don't move back in suddenly - spend increasing time together to get used to it. (And expect some shyness about being back together, particularly where sex is concerned: gentle lovemaking with low lights and lots of romance will help!)
And expect some setbacks! You won't just live happily ever after. So don't panic if you row or wobble again - it's not whether you have problems; it's how you cope with them that matters.
Once you are sure that your separation is over and your relationship is back on track, it's good to mark the occasion. Do whatever suits you: a celebratory weekend away; a memento ring; if you're married a small ceremony where you renew your vows - all of these will help you make a new start and look to the future. Good luck!
If you're separated or thinking of separating, talk about it on the Separation and Divorce message board
|