Dating is tricky enough, even when you haven't got kids. So how do you handle it with a little darling in tow? Mary Ambrose investigates

Becoming a single mum can be a tricky time, but when things have settled down (it will happen!), you're going to want to take the plunge back into the world of dating. But before you dive in too deep, remember that the rules have changed. You have children, so dating is no longer just about you.

And while it's good to bear this in mind, don't make the mistake of feeling guilty about putting yourself first. Too many women think mothering is about putting their children's needs before their own. Oprah Winfrey's favourite psychologist, Dr Phil McGraw, disagrees. 'You have a responsibility to look after your mind and heart,' he says, 'and if honouring that obligation means having a romantic relationship, then pursuing one in a mature and responsible way is a great gift to your children.'

So how do you make your dating a gift - and not a threat - to your children? It will take a combination of communication, confidence and consideration to make sure things go smoothly.

First, prepare yourself. When you're out on a date, remember that you were a woman long before you had children. Remember your dreams, hobbies, and interests. Children need mothers, adult men don't.

Because more is at stake now, you may not want to rush straight into a sexual relationship. Relate's Christine Northam offers this important advice. 'If you really know you don't want to go down the sexual route right away, be very clear with yourself and with the man.'

So how do you prepare your children? The best way, according to Northam, is to ask them how they feel about you dating again. 'Kids worry more about what they don't know than what they do,' she says. 'So tell them you're thinking of going out with a man and see what they say.' Give them time to mull it over and ask questions - don'twait until the doorbell rings to mention you're going out with someone!

Your kids' reactions could end up surprising you, as Jack discovered. His teenage son didn't resent him - he was actually relieved! 'Before I met Diane, David saw me as a lonely guy,' Jack explains. 'On Saturday nights he'd offer to stay at home, so I wouldn't be watching a film by myself, even if I was happy to be alone'.

It's also important to talk to your children about what they can say to their other parent about the fact that you are dating again. Do you mind if they tell their father? They may want to, so talk about what you're comfortable with them saying.

Importantly, don't feel under pressure to date again at all. It's better to take time to grieve over the death of a relationship and work out what went wrong, than jump in too fast. Many men and women get into a new relationship far too quickly, with disastrous consequences.

That was certainly Diane's experience. An artist in her 40s, she started to date Jack just a couple of months after his wife had left him. 'I thought it was OK because we were in different cities and he was seeing a therapist, so we could take it slowly.'

To start with, he was very excited about her and wanted to create a new kind of relationship. But eventually, he returned to old habits, behaving in the cold, emotionally distant way that scared off his first wife. 'If you don't deal with what caused one relationship to fail, you'll take into the next relationship,' warns Northam.

Diane didn't have children but the more time she spent with Jack, the more she noticed that his teenage son, David, never lifted a finger. Jack treated him like a small child. 'He would cut up fruit and put it in a bowl for him to eat,' she says. David didn't even know how to make a sandwich, or look after himself in any way. Diane's suggestions about helping David become more independent were sharply rebuked - Jack didn't want to know.

Perhaps Diane should have been more wary about getting involved with Jack's relationship with his son. At the same time, she was able to learn a bit more about him by observing the way he treated David.

Nicky, 30, found a boyfriend without really looking. Her daughter was just a toddler when her marriage broke up. Browsing the Internet one night led her to romance.

'I was just looking up old pals on Facebook,' she says, 'and ended up talking to Chris, someone I'd dated briefly as a teenager.'

Nicky's new relationship meant changes for everyone involved. Recently, she moved from Birmingham to be with Chris in London. She secured a new job in hospital administration, but had to leave Isobel with her ex-husband. 'One of us had to leave and it made sense for Isobel to stay with the person who stayed in the house,' she says. She was only able to leave because Chris welcomes Isobel's visits and has no problem with Nicky often travelling north to see her child.

Flexibility is crucial in any relationship involving children, especially if you have none yourself. The parent will inevitably spend time with his or her ex-partner because of childcare arrangements, and dates may have to be cancelled because the babysitter can't make it. If you're not prepared to be open-minded and generous when these hiccups happen, the relationship may be doomed.

There are no hard and fast rules - every relationship is different. Christine Northam urges couples to keep talking when things get tough. It certainly worked for Nicky, who has been living with Chris for eight months now. Daughter Isobel is so happy with the situation, she's even told Nicky that she's glad she's found someone to look after her!