iVillage hears what each woman has to say about her career, motherhood and the choices she's made

				Donna, 33: "I thought I'd be happily married and have 2.4 kids by the time I was 25, but life hasn't worked out this way"
				Dee, 39: "Kids were never on my 'to do' list and for some reason this seems to really bother some people"
				Mel, 33: "I feel as though I'm constantly asking my Mum for help, and get the impression that she wonders why I really have to work"
				Penelope, 29: "Each to their own, and my choice was to be at home with my children"
				Katie, 23: "The game plan is to work for a year or two and then try for a baby"
				Iona, 22: "I will try everything I can to conceive, even if it means volunteering for medical experimentation"
				Nesta, 30 : "I do really want to have children because I believe that it's what we're made to do. Unfortunately, I'm not doing it yet"
				Emma, 38: "It was just impossible to juggle a busy and demanding career with children"
				Katie, 31: "I work to live, not the other way around like before"

The single mum


Donna Irving, 33, lives in Brighton and raises her son Oliver, 3, on her own, after splitting with her partner, Greg, while pregnant

"When I was younger I thought I'd be happily married and have 2.4 kids by the time I was 25, but life hasn't worked out this way. I'd have relationships but none seemed to last. I simply didn't meet anyone I could imagine settling down with.

I hit 30 and began to feel broody. At the same time I started a relationship with Greg. It was never particularly serious and I think we'd always got along better as friends. Shortly after we began what was effectively a fling, I discovered I was pregnant. Greg went mad. He always said he never wanted children and even though I had been feeling broody, this was an accidental pregnancy. I was on the pill when I got pregnant, so there was no way I'd contrived this to happen. I seriously considered abortion because Greg made it perfectly clear that he didn't want to be involved with a child he believed I'd 'tricked' him in to having. I went as far as booking an appointment for a termination but, in the end, I couldn't go through with it. At 30 (as I was at the time) I wondered how many other opportunities I'd get to have a baby. I hadn't met a suitable partner, yet and felt that if I gave up this chance I wouldn't get another.

Greg ended all contact with me and I went through pregnancy alone, which was very difficult. People constantly asked me how my 'husband' felt about the prospect of becoming a dad. I got sick of explaining that I was doing this on my own. Fortunately, I'm from a large and incredibly supportive family so I always had someone to come to antenatal appointments and classes with me, and my Mum and older sister attended the birth.

Coming home alone with a baby was a big shock. When you're a single parent, no matter how supportive your friends and family are, in the end, the care of your child is all down to you. You do every nappy change and night feed yourself, which can be lonely and exhausting. And while friends and family are happy to share in your child's achievements, there's no one at home to turn to and go soppy over every little thing baby does. Financially, it was tough, too. I manage an independent bookshop, so I worked right up until Oliver was born, then went back part-time when he was three months old. Childcare is ridiculously expensive but I'm lucky enough to have two sisters who helped me out when he was small, then I managed to pay for a nursery place when he turned one. It was important to me to keep working to show that I could cope and support my child.

Greg came back into our lives when Oliver was about six months old. I think his parents pressurised him to make contact and offer some support because he is their only grandchild. We now have a civilized and friendly relationship. Oliver spends time with Greg and his family and he knows him as 'Dad'. Greg has fallen in love with Oliver and Oli adores his Dad, so it was right to let them forge a relationship.

Single parents have a really bad press and, while it is tough both financially and emotionally, it is possible to raise a happy, confident and well-adjusted child when doing it alone. I think Oli is proof of that. He's a real cheeky little monkey, incredibly sociable and loving and I feel endlessly proud of him. It's been tough, but it's also been the best thing I've ever done in my life. I can't imagine not having him with me now."

Childless by choice


Dee Rooke, 39, lives in Alton Barnes in Wiltshire and is currently setting up an ethical travel agency. She and her husband Phillip, 35, decided early in their relationship that they would not have children

"It's funny how often you have to explain, sometimes to complete strangers, why you've decided not to have children. It's as if people can't get their heads around the concept, and they ask quite personal questions that you wouldn't dream of coming out with, if it was the other way round. I mean, I'd never say to someone, 'Why have you just had a third child when your other two kept you up half the night with colic?' I'm sure people think we're quite selfish but it's been a conscious choice of ours not to have kids. Once I started work, kids were just never seriously on my 'to do' list and for some reason this seems to really bother some people.

When I was younger, I assumed I'd do what everyone else does and get married and have a couple of children but, after finishing a degree in psychology, I went straight out to work and loved it. I worked in media sales and was always looking for the next career opportunity and promotion and there just wasn't time to even think about having kids. Also, I didn't meet anyone I wanted to settle down with and, as you get older, you're less and less prepared to compromise.

When I hit my early thirties I did go through a bit of a broody phase but I think that was more to do with the fact that so many of my friends were having children. I really questioned myself about it but I still didn't feel fully prepared to have a child, so I put it out of my mind.

Phil and I got together seven years ago and we've been married for three. I think it was within half an hour of exchanging vows that the first person came up to us and asked when we were going to have a baby. We often talked about whether would we have children, but, by the time I hit my mid-thirties, I had pretty much decided that I didn't want to have any of my own. I asked Phil how he felt about that and fortunately we both agreed that parenthood wasn't for us.

Don't get me wrong, we love our friends' children and I have nieces and nephews who are great, too. It's lovely to spend time with other people's children, but it's also nice when they go home, too. Having children is more than a full-time job - they become your life and I just don't think I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. I fully respect others' decision to have children. If it's for you then great, but for me, it just wasn't something that I've desperately felt I needed to do to feel complete.

Phil and I have discussed what we would do should one of us change our mind in a few years time. I think we'd seriously consider adoption because there are plenty of children already out there who need a home, or we'd consider sponsoring orphaned children in poorer parts of the world.

Ultimately, I think it's all about choice and I think women today are incredibly lucky to have the scope of choice that they do. If I'd been born not so long ago, there would be no question of me 'deciding' not to have children, it just would have been the norm."

Working-from-home mum


Melissa Balment, 33, works from home as a freelance journalist. She lives in Woodford Green, Essex, with her husband Del and two sons, Zachary, 4 and Finn, 22 months

"I went freelance shortly after Zac was born. Previously, I'd worked as a staff writer on teen magazines, but I knew that when I had children, I'd go freelance because it's the perfect job to do from home. Before I had the boys, I thought it would be quite easy towork with children in the house. Now I know that's not the case, so I spend a lot of time trying to crowbar bits of work around the boys' increasingly busy social schedule.

I often feel guilty that I'm doing a lot of things averagely well. I'm not being a very good mum because I'm distracted by work and I'm not doing very good work because I have two small children to look after while I work. I find myself plonking the boys in front of CBeebies when I need to interview a psychologist for a feature I'm writing, and then find myself apologising to the psychologist when Zac gets on the other phone extension and tells us both that he needs to do a poo. Until very recently, I didn't have any organised or paid-for childcare. I've now arranged for Finn to spend one day a week at nursery and for Zac to spend that day 'officially' at my Mum's. This leaves me with one clear day for work. But if I'm busy, my mum comes and helps out any time I need.

I'm very fortunate to have my parents living very close by and they're incredibly helpful when it comes to looking after the boys. My mum comes around most days to play with them while I work. I'm happy because the boys couldn't be in better possible care, and they love spending time with her. There's no financial burden either, although this is counterbalanced by a slight burden of guilt. I feel as if I'm constantly asking my Mum for help and, despite the fact that she's never said anything, I get a slight impression that she wonders why I really have to work when caring for my children should be my only priority. Once my brothers and I were born, my Mum never worked. I sense that she feels my work is trivial, a bit unnecessary and is taking me away from the boys.

My husband also does his fair share. If I'm busy, he takes the boys to the park or the pool on his day off so I can get some work done. It's not really ideal and I often feel panicky about meeting deadlines as I'm never sure when I'll find the time to write those last 500 words. I always seem to scrape through. I sometimes wonder if more organised childcare would make life a bit less chaotic.

Despite my panic about doing a job properly, I still feel lucky in comparison with my friends who, for financial reasons, have to go into an office to work. They always seem to be worrying about the care their children are receiving in nursery, or grabbing time off from their jobs, when the nanny unexpectedly calls in sick. I love the fact that I'm around in the day for the boys and I can always postpone an interview and go and help make cakes in Zac's nursery or take Finn to the doctors at any time. I can pick and choose what work I will and won't do, and I never have any problems with nurseries or childminders.

Sometimes I dream about stopping work entirely, just because I feel constantly stressed by having to juggle all the options. But living and working in London means that we can't afford to go without the money I earn, minimal as it is.

Also, I would go crazy if I just stayed at home with the boys all day. I'm not ashamed to admit that, as gorgeous and lovely as they are, there are many aspects of motherhood that I find utterly mind-numbing - hearing the Thomas the Tank Engine theme tune for the 27th time in one day or picking up peas mulched into the floorboards.

I love the fact that I can still call myself a journalist; that I'm part of something more than just the local mum-and-toddler group and that, despite all the panic about finishing work on time, I can show Zac my name or picture in a newspaper. I love the fact that he realises the time I spent in the office furiously bashing away at the computer, while he played with his train set in the next room, has borne results. It means that as well as being a mum, as challenging, rewarding and exhausting as that is, I've still got a part of the 'me' that I was before I had kids."

The stay-at-home mum

Penelope Ryan, 29, lives in Nottingham with her husband Alex, 32, and her sixteen-month-old twin daughters, Kate and Eve

"I couldn't be happier being at home with my girls. I didn't see the point in rushing back to a job I didn't particularly love and missing out on my girls growing up. It's such a short time before they're off to school. I don't want to miss a moment. They're already sixteen months old and I was there when they took their first step and said their first word. I didn't want a childminder describing those important events to me. I wanted to see them for myself.

Before the girls were born, I worked as a secretary in an accountancy firm, which I'd done since I left school. I enjoyed my job and loved the social aspect of work but, when Alex and I finally conceived after two years of trying, we both knew that I'd stay at home with the girls once they were born. Financially, it didn't make sense for me to go back to work because we simply couldn't afford nursery or childminder's fees and anyway, I was determined to look after my children myself. Not that I think there's anything wrong with mums working. Each to their own, and my choice was to be at home with my children. I think you've got to do what makes you happiest and works best for your family.

When you meet new people, one of the first things they ask is, 'What do you do?' When I say I'm a full-time Mum, quite often you can see their eyes glaze over as if you're not really worth talking to, because all you do is change nappies. Being a Mum doesn't get you much respect, but I'm not bothered because I believe I'm doing the best thing I can for my children.

Financially, it's been quite tough. Having two children at once is incredibly expensive and I do miss having my own disposable income. I miss little things like just being able to buy a pair of shoes whenever I fancy. We're living solely on Alex's income, which means he's under quite a bit of financial pressure, but he, too, says he wouldn't have it any other way. He believes that his girls need their mum, and if that means tightening our belts for a while then that's just how it is.

Once the girls start school, I'd like to work again part-time but until then, I'm busy enough running around after two toddlers. They have a very packed social life. We go to a couple of mum-and-toddler playgroups and Alex and I try and take them swimming on Saturday mornings. One afternoon a week my Mum takes the girls so I can have a bit of time to myself. It's nice just to put my feet up with the latest copy of Heat magazine, paint my nails or even have time to mop the kitchen floor in peace. The girls are both still terrible sleepers. They wake at different times, at least twice a night, so I'm still walking around like a bit of a zombie. I think if I went back to an office at the moment I'd be falling asleep at my desk by lunchtime."

Starting out


Katie Raley, 23, lives in Woodford Green, Essex with her partner Tom, 30. She's currently studying Child Development at university and hopes to have a career in child protection. She plans to have children only when she's been at work for at least a year

"I always thought I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. I completed two years of a nursing course before realising that nursing wasn't the career for me. I only wanted to work with kids and the course didn't allow me to specialise in my chosen area until the final year. I decided to leave, which was a nightmare because I really felt as if I'd let Tom and my parents down. They'd been so supportive while I was at college, and I felt really guilty about walking away. But it just wasn't for me. I spent a year working in a pub and then got a temporary job as a classroom assistant in a primary school, which was when I realised that I still wanted to work with kids.

Going back to uni was a big decision because having left once before there was no way I could walk out again. I had to be certain that this was definitely what I wanted. I'm not great at studying or writing essays, but I knew that if I wanted to have the career of my choice it was going to involve further study. Tom was brilliant.

We had just bought a bit of a wreck of a house together, so for me to then give up work to go back to full-time study for three years was going to be a big financial burden on him. But, he told me to go for it. He's self-employed and has worked in roadworks since he was 15. I feel very strongly that if, once I've got a job, he wants to take a break from work, it will be my turn to support him. It's all about give and take.

Tom and I aren't married and it's unlikely that we'll be tying the knot any time soon. It's just too big a financial commitment to spend all that money on a wedding, especially now that we've got this house, which needs a lot of work doing to it. Kids are definitely part of the plan, though. I've become a bit broody lately.

Some of my friends already have children, and, if I could, I'd like to have one sooner rather than later because I want to be young enough to enjoy it. Saying that, we'll definitely wait a few more years because I need to finish my degree and get a job. No time is really a right time to have kids, but we don't want any more financial pressure than we've already got. I'll have about five thousand pounds of student loans to pay back, too.

Basically, the game plan at the moment is to finish college next May, hopefully already have a job lined up, work for a year or two and then try for a baby. I definitely plan to go back to work once I do have kids because I haven't put all this time and effort into study only to walk away from my career after just a few years. Hopefully, our families would help out with childcare as we both have relatives living nearby. If not, Tom can take that time off from work and become a house husband. There are plenty of possibilities, so I think the next few years are going to be pretty busy."

Childless, not by choice


Iona Powell, 22, and her partner Naz Uka, 24, from Cardiff, recently received the devastating news that they may never be able to conceive their own children naturally

"I always imagined that, by the time I was 21, I'd be settled down and, hopefully, have two children. That way I could enjoy them while I was young without jeopardising my career in customer services too much. It's important to me to carry on working as well as being a mum.

Two years ago, Naz and I started trying to have a baby, but, after six months, nothing had happened. I went to see my GP who was immediately concerned, because, as we're both quite young, we should be at our most fertile. He referred me to a specialist who decided to perform a laparoscopy, which meant inserting a small camera inside to see if there were any blockages or other visible problems.

When I came round from the anaesthetic, Mr Vine, my consultant, was standing by my bed. I knew straight away that it was bad news. He told me that one of my ovaries had virtually died and that both my fallopian tubes were blocked by scarring. I'd need a further operation to remove the dead ovary and fallopian tube and at the same time, they could try and unblock my other tube to see if it would help us to conceive.

However, there was a further blow. Results from the blood tests taken prior to the laparoscopy showed that I'd gone into an early menopause. I had absolutely no idea that I had any problems - other than the fact that my periods had been a bit irregular. The irony was that when my periods all but stopped just before the operation I thought I was pregnant. This meant that I'd need drugs to try and reverse the onset of the menopause and that I'd have to wait about six months to have the operation to try and unblock my fallopian tube. We could have had it done sooner privately, but it would cost £8,000, which we couldn't afford. I just broke down and begged him to tell me if there was any hope at all. Mr Vine told us there was little hope of conceiving naturally. He's been a wonderful support and didn't skirt around the truth. He also promised me that he'd do everything he could to help us conceive.

For the next six months, Naz and I tried to get on with life as normal, but it's impossible. I've tried not to, but I've become obsessed with babies, conception and fertility issues. I read every book and article on the subject because I worry that if I don't, I might miss the one bit of advice that will help us conceive. I can't bear to be around children. It's too painful. Sometimes we try and have a normal day or evening out where we promise ourselves we won't talk about it, but it's hard, as it's become the most important issue in our lives. I'm lucky Naz is with me, though. After I'd found out about my fertility problems, I told him to leave me and find someone else who he could have children with, but he wouldn't hear of it. He said it was me he loved and that even if we couldn't have children, we could still have a full life together. I understand what he's saying, but I'm not ready to accept that yet. I will try everything I can to conceive, even if it means volunteering for medical experimentation.

I had my second operation a month ago and unfortunately it wasn't successful. Mr Vine told me that the scarring on my other fallopian tube was too dense to clear so it's highly unlikely that we'll be able to conceive without IVF, and that itself depends on being able to reverse the onset of my menopause. At the moment, I'm at home recuperating from the operation but, as soon as I'm well enough, if we're able to, we'll start trying assisted conception.

The physical pain of all the treatment I've been through is bad, but it's nothing compared to the mental pain. Discovering that you can't conceive is emotionally devastating, it hits at your femininity and you can't help but blame yourself. The only thing that keeps me going is Naz's support and the options we've yet to explore."