iVillage relationships expert Susan Quilliam talked to women on the Families In The Forces board after the Gulf war, earlier this year.

Q: I'm relatively new to the Forces life but am committed to my boyfriend and, consequently, this way of life. Often it is very difficult to resolve issues and arguments when you can't communicate with your partner because of the distance. How would you suggest couples overcome this? Also, mostly the partner not in the Forces has to make many sacrifices and organise their life around that of their partner because of the way the Forces are. Is it possible to avoid this leading to resentment?
sexycharliebear

A: Regarding distance, there really is only one answer - clear as much as possible when you're together. In other words, whether you're talking about practical issues such as buying a house, or emotional issues such as how to handle infidelity, you need to talk about them upfront. It's a temptation in any relationship to think that because you love each other, you will agree on everything. You won't necessarily, so you need to talk things through to make sure you have reached an agreement, and where you haven't, keep talking until you do.
As for one partner sacrificing for the other, this can become very unbalanced. I have to say that whether or not a relationship ultimately works often depends on whether the `Forces' partner is willing to redress the balance. Long term, it just isn't possible for a partnership to blossom if one is doing all the giving and the other all the taking - so the one who isn't `sacrificing' has to try extra hard to show their love in other ways.
Susan Quilliam

Q: My boyfriend has been back from the Gulf for nearly three weeks, during which time we have spent a lot of time together and I am amazingly happy. The relationship is fairly new, but he has been away for the majority of it. What I am worried about is when his leave is over he will go back to Cornwall and, as I live in Cheshire, I will only see him every other weekend. Although we were apart for four months I can't imagine not seeing him for two weeks at a time, I really love him and want this to work. Any suggestions on how I cope with this?
cindyt2003

A: There are short-term strategies and long-term strategies here. Short term, just make sure you have lots of contact, that you always know and are clear with each other when you're next going to meet. Save any really emotional wobbles for when you're face to face, rather than trying to deal with them over the phone or by email. The long-term strategy is to agree that you are working towards the point where all this is going to stop. Sure, you do need time to find out about each other, and to develop the relationship, but you also need to know that there's a commitment to at least try to be together.
Before he goes, have that conversation. Reassure him that you're not looking for wedding rings, or even mortgages, but you do need to know he cares - and you do need to tell him that you care too.
Susan Quilliam

Q: My husband and I have a very strong marriage, but post deployment can be a difficult time as we try to adjust to each other again. I have got so used to getting on with things by myself, I think he feels rather like a spare part. I don't mean to make him feel this way, it just seems quicker and easier to get on with everything by myself rather than explaining what I've done and why.
cl-moonmonday

A: The way forward is to be open about this - tell him what you're feeling, and ask him to share his thoughts. What does he need to feel included? What specific things can you do to help - usually, they'll seem trivial; like letting him help with the dishes or checking out what he wants for tea rather than going your own way. Oddly, it's not just the big statements of commitment that make people feel loved and wanted, it's the tiny details.
So check out what he wants and needs and, in return, tell him what you need.
Susan Quilliam

Q: I don't think my problems with my boyfriend are anything to do with Iraq, but though he was meant to be leaving the marines in a few months but has decided instead to stay in. Since his decision he has become more like a typical marine everyday. He's become arrogant and completely thoughtless. I don't feel like he considers me anymore even though we're in a long-term relationship.
Is this an early warning sign, should I call it a day?
bigblueyd1

A: It feels to me as if your boyfriend has taken some decisions here, which are signalling to you that he's starting to pull away. A major life decision like staying in the marines is not something that most people would make without consulting their significant other. For whatever reason, this guy is starting to act like he's single.
You believe his behaviour has nothing to do with Iraq, but it's possible the situation stressed him more than you think. He may have had to get in touch with some basic facts of life, like mortality, and panicked. That often makes people start putting themselves first.
If his commitment is still there, but he's going through a bad patch because of the war, then I would recommend hanging on in there for a while, seeing how it goes, but while being aware that he may be on the way out. But if you sense that his basic commitment isn't there any more, that he is still with you but only in name, then I would start preparing for the big split. Try to remember that if things are this bad, then they can only get better.
Susan Quilliam

Q: My boyfriend is in Basra at the moment, and five or six weeks ago we had a misunderstanding via letter. He hasn't called me during this time to see if I'm OK and I had one letter last week telling me he has to think about what he wants to do when he comes home. He's said he's going straight home instead of coming to me as planned.
I wrote to him twice last week laying my cards on the table and I've heard nothing. I'm getting to the point where he's hurting me so much by ignoring me that I feel like walking away from him for good.
Should I wait and see if he contacts me when he's home, or do I write him a letter ending it all?
twinkle295

A: Both of you have very frayed nerves at the moment, and my guess is that it's showing. Plus, both of you are wary about what happens when he comes back, and that will be stressing you too.
I know it's hard to hang in there, and I'm not promising a happy ending. But I suspect that if you rush in and end the relationship here and now, you'll always wonder whether you could have sorted it out. You will have burned your bridges, and there may be no way back.
Why not give him two or three days after he hits home to calm down and get his breath back, and then ring him. It could be that hearing your voice makes all the difference. At the very least, it might get him to agree to a meeting, where the two of you can talk face to face and decide what's best.
Susan Quilliam

Have a look at some of the discussions taking place NOW on the families in the forces message board: