There is a fine line between having an affair, and contemplating an affair. Is emotional infidelity the same as physical infidelity? One iVillager turned to the Coping With Infidelity message board for the answers

Member problem
I found out my husband of eleven years was meeting my best friend every weekday morning for coffee. They just sat and had a coffee together but omitted to tell either her husband or me about it.

At first my husband denied it, saying it was just a one off. I asked her however, and she admitted that she had been meeting him for coffee. I then confronted my husband again, and he admitted it had been going on for over three months, but that it was just text messages, coffee and nothing else.

They both tell me that I am making a mountain out of a molehill and being stupid. Although I do honestly believe that sex was not involved, where was this heading and where do I go from here?
When do you call an affair an affair?
chrissy807

Members advice and solutions
If they had kept it from you and denied it at first then there is something to hide, and I'd say in no uncertain terms that this must stop. Affairs usually begin with that listening ear, and it is only a matter of time before it goes one step further, if it hasn't already. Ask him why he denied it? Tell him that denying it has made you suspicious and, therefore, it must stop. There is no relationship without truth and honesty.
feelingsad_7

I think you need to talk to your husband and your friend and sort this problem out, before it goes too far and they end up breaking your heart. Don't let it get out of hand, talk, and talk till you feel you have resolved the problem. Trust in yourself and your feelings.
mazz1954

This 'friend thing' is just a ruse. They are toying with each other and, by doing this, they are getting more and more involved to the extent that temptation will win out. I would let him know how you feel. If he continues to proclaim that it is innocent, I would tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you would rather they did not meet for coffee any more. Even if he has no intention of letting it get out of hand, you don't know her intentions.
britstarlite32

You have every reason to be suspicious. I know I would be. If I go out with a drink with a male friend I tell my boyfriend or even invite him along. I would never keep it from him. If I didn't tell him, I would feel guilty anyway, whether I did something or not. Please be strong, as this has to stop. He is more or less lying to you.
g_dennis

A large part of being married is knowing that you can share confidences and 'secrets' with your spouse. Once you start sharing these secrets or problems with others outside marriage, you are putting your primary relationship in tremendous danger.

Any man who secretly discusses his marriage in any sort of depth or detail over a period of time with another woman, is just as much in breach of their marriage vows as they would be if they had become physical with another woman. `Emotional infidelity' is just as much the real thing as any other sort. There are no grey areas.
billybirdman

Affairs can be physical, emotional or both. Many people feel that it is the emotional bonds that their partner shared with someone else that are the most hurtful, so it does not matter that things had not progressed beyond text messages and meeting for coffee. They have both betrayed you by not being open and honest about what they were doing.
cl-tootcee

Before it goes too far, talk to him, seek therapy; try to find out why he's turning to your friend. Make him talk to you no matter how much it hurts, and if you don't believe what he says, you're probably right, so keep talking until the truth comes out. If he won't talk or go into therapy, then it's probably best that you start the process of moving on.
cinti4133

There are phases to having an affair and he is in phase one; the `flirt and coffee' phase. He probably recognises alarms going off, but it isn't an affair yet. Phase two is actually exchanging body fluids. It is when the crime has been committed and, from there, personally, I think it should go to the lawyers. Coffee and white lies are wrong, however, so you have every right to confront them about it and to force them to end it. To move on though, you need to search together for the root cause. Why does he go outside the marriage for that interaction? What is missing? I believe you can forgive him since it has not gone to the next level yet. But you have to work to find out why it came so dangerously close.
steveng1234

Are you worried that your partner might be cheating? Or have you experienced infidelity and would like to share your story? Have a chat with fellow iVillagers on the Coping With Infidelity message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place on the board right now: