Getting control of your confidence at work can mean the difference between merely getting by, and positively succeeding in your role. Here iVillagers' from the Life in the Workplace message board offer tips to overcome some common confidence pitfalls
Q: What are good conversation starters?
I am going on a course with work for four days away in a hotel, but I do not know anyone going. Has anyone any tips for conversation starters or getting to know people and breaking the ice. I am quite shy and always seem to muck up these situations, ending up with no one to talk to or being left outside the 'group'.
tusty
Members' top tips
- Remember that almost everyone else will be as nervous as you, you are all in the same boat.
- Try saying: `I'm quite nervous about this as I haven't been sent on a course before; what about you?' or simply, `Have you ever been on a course like this before?' Both would be good icebreakers.
- Smile more than usual, you are more approachable if you look happy.
- Getting stressed about it will make matters worse. Remember that over a four-day period you can't fail to get to know people.
- Do not try and be someone that you are not, just relax and concentrate on why you are on the course. Most of all, enjoy it, and your confidence will follow.
Q: How can I fit in?
I work in a field that is mainly populated by young, trendy twenty-somethings. I'm in my 30s, overweight and can't afford trendy clothes. I love my work, but I just can't seem to fit in. I always end up on my own at lunchtime, sitting at my desk because I've just got nothing in common with my colleagues. Can anyone advise me on how to fit in?
star7272
Members' top tips
- Being large does not mean you can't be trendy, there is a wealth of sites on the net that cater for the more ample bodied - why not treat yourself?
- Smiling is a great way to make people feel more confident about approaching you, and makes you feel more self-assured too.
- Be more pro-active: the next time your colleagues go for lunch, ask to join them, you will probably find there is mutual ground there somewhere - you both work in the same place for starters!
- Chat to other large and confident women on iVillage Big & Happy message board.
- Remember your worth, you know that you are a kind and caring person, or else you wouldn't be concerned, convince yourself and you will convince them too.
Q: How can I handle an annoying co-worker?
I work with a guy who is the lead on a project. When we run into a problem and go to someone for help, he talks over that person while they are explaining the solution. He tries to come across as if he knew the answer all the time, and was just trying to clarify things for me. I feel that he is using me to boost his own ego, but what can I do?
getjbb
Members' top tips
- Either talk to him, or consult your boss for advice. Remember though that his behaviour is probably the result of feelings of inferiority, so bear this in mind if you confront him, and keep your tone positive and unthreatening.
- Others have probably noticed his behaviour too, you may find you are not alone in your opinions.
- Let him do the talking so it's clear that he doesn't know the answers, or ask him questions in front of the other person to put him on the spot.
- Go direct to the information source where possible, and bypass him altogether.
- It's within your rights to raise a more formal grievance, but only use this as a last resort.
Q: What can I do about colleagues who are intimidating me?
I have made acquaintance with most of my colleagues, barring a group of girls. When I greet these girls, I get stony faces and evil stares. I generally can't stand my job, though it was quite bearable, but now I can't bring myself to come in without a lot of effort. I find I don't even want to talk to the people I do get on with because I can feel the girls staring at me, and I don't know how to handle it.
isabella88
Members' top tips
- If you're brave enough, approach one of them when she is on her own and ask her if you have somehow upset them? If you can appeal to the better nature of one of them, they might all realise how they are making you feel.
- If you are considering leaving anyway, try and keep your head held high and not rise to the bait.
- Stop trying to be nice, it only reminds both parties how much you don't get along.
- Go on a work social event and let them see that you are fun and unthreatening to be around, without pandering to them.
- Chat to other colleagues the you do get along with, perhaps they can give you another spin on the situation.
Q: How can I achieve the confidence to be a good boss?
I started a new managerial job three months ago. My problem lies with a lady in the office, who I feel is not supporting me in my role. She is the line manager over the other workers, and she has started to talk badly of two new members of staff whom I took on one month into my job there. I would like to confront her, but I feel I have lost a bit of confidence and am not so sure. What can I do?
tracetheace2003
Members' top tips
- Make a stand; otherwise you will lose the confidence of the rest of the workforce.
- Remember the people that hired you believed in your capabilities, you are the manager and are clearly more capable than you think.
- Have a diplomatic and informal chat with her, explain that you want her to work with you, not against you; try to get her `on side'.
- If in doubt, talk to your HR person about the usual procedures on dealing with these issues - no doubt they will be happy to help.
- If she still refuses to co-operate, take a stronger tactic and report her, as her manager you are well within your rights.