Confidence is a tricky trait to pin down. By being aware of your own and other people's behaviour you will find the essential ingredients to building confidence

What is confidence?
This can be difficult to answer. The word comes from the Latin to mean 'to put one's trust in someone' - that someone being ourselves. But this definition doesn't tell us how confidence manifests itself (or not) or how you can get it.

The confidence checklist
How then is confidence - real confidence - demonstrated? Here's the iVillage 10-point checklist:

1. People who believe in themselves take charge of their actions.



2. They act assertively, speak calmly and listen properly.



3. They're flexible towards people, circumstances and all things new.



4. They're able to give genuine praise and to accept constructive criticism.



5. They evaluate themselves realistically.



6. They appreciate their achievements.



7. They learn from their mistakes.



8. They aren't run by 'shoulds', 'musts' and 'ought tos'.



9. When an opportunity comes up they say 'Why not?' rather than 'Why?'



10. They feel they can influence situations and outcomes.

Of course, people, like life itself, can change. And if you want to feel more confident, the starting point is with some serious self-reflection. Dr Brian Roet, author of The Confidence to be Yourself, suggests you tackle this in three ways:

1. Know yourself

Think about the sort of person you are. Think about your dominant personality characteristics. Then identify what motivates you; what challenges you; what frightens you; and what pleases you.

Examine what you want out of life, long term, as well as what you currently give, and take, from it. Put all this together to reveal a holistic picture of who you are.

2. Like yourself

Now, ask yourself, do you approve of the person you see? Or do you feel negative and critical and guilty about who you are? It's more likely that you experience a combination of all these reactions.

Write down all your good points. If this is too difficult to do alone, get a friend to help ? they may be able to perceive what you can't. Read over your list. Focus on it. Recognise it to be true. Remember it. Trust it.

3. Accept yourself

To find the meaning of confidence, and to get closer to achieving it, we have to, first of all, accept the way we are ? today. Tell yourself that you can still aim for improvements for the future, but that you are happy with yourself in the present.

Appearances can be deceptive
When we look at our friends, family and colleagues, it's easy to think we can recognise confidence and lack of confidence. But we may be mistaken. What we understand to be self-assuredness could be masking just the opposite. "It's very easy to misread the way people come across," says Dianah Warman, a specialist adviser with the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development. She adds that, "what you see is not necessarily what you get."

Carol Gaskell of the Life Coaching Company agrees. She points out that loud, opinionated people may, in fact, fear that their views aren?t respected. The happy-go-lucky cruiser could be afraid of taking on responsibility, in case she fails. The workaholic perfectionist may fear not meeting the standards set by peers. The pushy bully may be scared of being disliked. The office flirt could be compensating for feeling undervalued. So all these signs may be pointing to hidden self-doubt rather than self-certainty.