One iVillager at the end of her tether with her teenage daughter gets advice from fellow members and parents

have a 14-year-old daughter who has always been well adjusted, happy, bright and intelligent. The past two years have been a total nightmare for us as a family. She has endured a marriage break-up; being taken away from everything she knew - her friends and father; moved house twice; dealt with my being ill and in and out of hospital over a period of time; and her grandmother's death, whom she was very close to.

She's also had problems finding a place at secondary school we couldn't even find her a school to attend initially. Also, her father consistently runs me down and undermines me in front of her.

A year ago, she suffered a major epileptic fit - lasting almost 40 minutes, and had to be resuscitated, which was frightening for all of us.

Just recently, she has started to act strangely, telling nasty and vindictive lies, some about her father - which she has now admitted are lies. She's also lied about slitting her wrists and being pregnant. When I try to talk to her, she just shouts at me (and her language is getting worse!). She refuses to help me in the home, too - but my main priority is the lying.

Attention seeking
I have tried grounding her, not letting her use the PC, everything - but when she gets it into her head that I'm being totally unreasonable, she runs off back to daddy. When she does this, I don't contact her - I always let her make the first move.

She now tells me that she hates her father - but why now? Why not when our marriage broke down? In my mind, this is just an excuse. She milks him for everything she can - he isn't short of a penny or two and I struggle with my cash. I feel that she's attention seeking, but she already has a lot attention at home. I've tried every angle to sort this out and I'm now totally at my wits' end.

Her teachers all say that she's a delightful child, a pleasure to teach, and is working over and above her peers in the majority of subjects.

Can anyone who has experienced this, please help?
bas1966

Lying for attention
I feel for you - teens aren't easy at the best of times. Keep your chin up though, it doesn't sound like you've done a bad job at all with her, especially hearing the positive reports from school, which are quite unusual with teens! She's been through a very traumatic time, and it may be catching up with her now. She probably feels a certain sense of divided loyalty between yourself and her father, but feels deep down in her heart that you are the one with her best interests at heart. Hence she 'hates' her father, but all teenagers are greedy and if she thinks she can tap into his guilt she will do it.

Many teens lie for attention, and her confusion and insecurity will probably make it worse. My eldest lied to me about smoking, where she was and so on, and I found it difficult behaviour to punish, but the best way is to either ignore the lie or make her feel foolish for telling it I have found! So if she says she is pregnant, and you know she isn't just say 'oh right, ok', showing her that lying gains no attention.

If things get really bad, it might be worth thinking of counselling for your - daughter, at least then she might stop lying as she knows she is guaranteed attention. Good luck, and well done so far!
i_love_ali

Counselling
I'm not surprised your daughter is doing more than attention seeking. She has been through a lot and probably needs to talk to someone outside of the family circle - perhaps a counselling service. Relate has a counselling service for teenagers with similar problems and this could be worth checking out to see if they offer this service in your area or maybe she might even need to talk to someone in CRUSE about her grandmother's death if she was close to her.
cl-fran21

Be positive
Your poor daughter. She has lost her grandmother, she was ill and you have been very ill (maybe she thought she'd lose you too) and she has a father who is inconsistent and messes with her head with the things he does and says. On top of that she has the normal teenage stuff of periods, peer pressure, school and working out just who she really is.

This girl needs all of your time and attention - as much as you can spare. Ignore all the lies, and spend time out shopping, doing each other's make-up and talking. I often go and lie on my daughter's bed while she is doing stuff and we have a really good natter...I let her tell me silly stories about her friends...whatever.

And even though she may feel too old to have hugs from her mum, give them to her anyway or send her a text/email/leave a note that tells her how much you love her, how clever you think she is and how proud you are of her coping with everything over the last few years.
Inottoni

From one who knows
You are in luck, I have experience in this. Although I haven't mothered a teen yet, I am a 20-year-old old single mother, so just out of teens myself!

When I was 14 - I started smoking, drinking, and more. I am not trying to worry you, just trying to help you see what the teens are doing now. Also, my mother and father were separated for five years when I was little. Your daughter is not going to talk to you right now about her problems. At 14 I would never tell my mother what was going on in my life. Most teens lie, I used to lie to my parents all the time. Prepare for more of this, it only gets worse before it gets better.

Most teens can't stand their parents. They think that their parents are trying to prevent them from having fun, and they feel that their parents are out to get them, not to help them.

You are lucky because she is doing well at school. At that age I didn't even try to get good results because I was too busy playing truant.

Just keep doing what you are doing and she will grow out of it and realize that she was wrong. She is old enough now to walk down the path of life. You can help guide her down the path but you can't push her.
kayjcusa

Where to get help
Relate Counselling for Young People
Cruse Bereavement Care