Five young women from the Teenage Mums message board, who gave birth between the ages of 15 and 19, talk about why they made the choices they did, the struggles they have faced and their views on teenage pregnancy.
- 'I am no different to other mothers just because of my age; why should I be treated differently?' Read Holly's story...
- 'I thought pregnancy was like a game, and I was lonely. I wanted a baby to cuddle, this isn't what the reality is like, though.' Read Lisa's story...
- 'My friends assumed that, because of my age, I'd have an abortion. The thought entered my head for one night before I decided I would keep it.' Read Lucy's story...
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'The first thing Mum said was that I had ruined my life, I won't ever forget that.' Read Anna's story...
- 'Teen mums should be encouraged to visit local schools to tell other teenagers that it isn't all its cracked up to be - how hard it really is.' Read Lindsay's story...
Holly's story
Holly is unusual. She got pregnant with her partner when she was 17, and had her daughter when she was 18. Although they had not been together long, the pregnancy was planned. 'We already had our own place and were financially and emotionally secure,' she says. 'It was no different to what we expected, and I think it was the right time.'
But how did Holly know at the age of 17 that she was ready for motherhood? Why did she decide to bypass such a huge part of her childhood to go straight into making a family and settling down? 'I knew Paul was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,' she says. 'It was as simple as that; what I felt for him was different and I just knew. I still know he is the one for me and always will be'.
People may be sceptical of her reasons, but it seems that becoming pregnant has actually opened doors for Holly. Before she got pregnant she was disillusioned by her academic studies and unsure of what she wanted from life. Now she is studying to gain access to a university and plans to study midwifery.
Holly dismisses any notion that she deserves more help from government bodies because of her age. 'I don't expect the government to help me, it was my decision to become a mum and I think people should work for what they get, not expect handouts,' she says. 'I am no different to other mothers just because of my age; why should I be treated differently?'
Some statistics have shown that teen pregnancy is cyclical; if you have your children early, then it is likely that they, too, will be young parents. I asked Holly how she was going to explain sex and pregnancy to her kids. 'I will tell them from a young age,' she says, 'I wouldn't necessarily say that I would encourage them to wait, as it is up to them to decide, but I will encourage them to carry condoms with them at all times. I think the most important thing is to have a good friendship with your child, so they feel confident to come to you for advice if they have a problem.'
Holly agrees that teenage pregnancy is a problem in the UK. 'I know I sound hypocritical as I am a young mum, but my situation was slightly different, I recently heard of a 12 year-old girl who kept the baby, it made me sick. At 12 you are a child, the decision should have been taken out of her hands.'
Lisa's story
Lisa was 15 when she fell pregnant. Her mother died when she was 13 and she had never known her father. After the death of her mother she found herself homeless, camping down at friends houses, or staying in youth hostels. At the time she was rarely at school, and in her own words considered herself to be on the 'wrong side of the track.' Looking back now she describes her baby as a 'godsend'.
'When I first found out I was pregnant I was terrified and shocked,' she says. 'I was numb and just carried on with my life as normal, but then I realised I had to make a lot of changes and some big decisions.'
Lisa's troubled background contributed to her decision to keep her baby, as opposed to a termination. 'I couldn't do it,' she says. 'I was very naive. I thought pregnancy was like a game and I was lonely. I wanted a baby to cuddle, this isn't what the reality is like, though.'
With no family support and few friends to help her, Lisa struggled. 'Most older mums have the support of their husbands and families,' she says. 'But the community doesn't help teenage mums to do their best. When I was noticeably pregnant, people looked down on me, even the professionals in the banks or at my local centre. People automatically assume that we are bad mothers, all on welfare and scabbing off the taxpayer, but I work and contribute to society positively, and am a very good mother. Being shunned by society doesn't help me or my child to succeed, the stereotype needs opposition.'
Although her baby has created a positive focus in her life, Lisa admits that life is still tough. 'I don't have time to do everything; school, work, being a mum. Sometimes everything gets too much and I'm disillusioned and get very depressed,' she says. 'It's hard to find the strength to fix it up and keep trudging on. I worry about my ability to succeed and be happy later on in life. I am not doing so well at school, and that's upsetting and frustrating because I try to study hard.'
On love and marriage, Lisa remains realistic and positive. 'I'm still only 16 and don't think that guys my age are mature enough right now. I don't think that I am ready either,' she says. 'I'm not seeing anyone at the moment, but I definitely want to get married some day'. Although her future remains a little uncertain at the moment, Lisa remains resolute. 'I realise that there is still lots that I can do, its just more difficult with a child,' she says. 'I still don't know what I want to be when I am older, but I am determined to succeed in any path that I do eventually choose.'
Lucy's story
Lucy was 19 when she fell pregnant with her partner of five months, Chris. She had not long lost her virginity and he was only the second person she had had sex with. Like most girls her age, her first reaction was fear and shock, but an abortion was not an option. 'My friends assumed that, because of my age, I'd have an abortion,' she says. 'The thought entered my head for one night before I decided I would keep it - it was a hard decision though.'
Lucy often felt excluded from the activities that her peers were enjoying while she was pregnant. 'It was hard seeing girls my age all dressed up, when I felt fat and frumpy.' She still finds balancing her social life with motherhood difficult. 'My friends are always clubbing. Even though I manage a night out every two months, I have to arrange a babysitter, can't drink because I breastfeed, and cannot get home too late,' she explains. 'Sometimes the lack of freedom really gets to me and I feel really down.'
At the time of her pregnancy, Lucy, like so many other mums did not feel emotionally prepared for what lay ahead. 'Everyone tells you about the painful labour and the tiredness, but they forget to mention the constant worrying and crying, if you suffer post natal depression like I did.' Lucy received support from her midwife, the same as other mothers, but did not get any specialised support for being a teen mother.
Now Lucy, her partner Chris and their son, Joe, live happily and comfortably. Currently, they are living with her parents, who help Lucy out when Chris works and baby-sit at weekends when Lucy goes to work. She receives tax credits from the government, and is also involved in SureStart, a government run project aimed at parents with children under the age of four. 'It has free baby clubs, exercise classes and offers one to one support which is all for free,' she says.
Lucy plans to go to college to complete a course in childcare, and will then work part time while Joe goes to school. Despite all the difficulties she has faced, she still feels that she has the best of both worlds as a mother and as a career woman. 'In ten year's time I hope to be married, with a gorgeous son, working part time in a nursery, and pregnant with baby number two!'
Anna's story
Anna met Dave when she was 15 and he was 19. After eight months, she discovered she was pregnant, and gave birth to a little girl when she was 16. 'It was never planned and we could have taken better precautions to prevent it from happening,' she says. 'I know it sounds silly but you never think it's going to happen to you.'
Anna spent the first part of her pregnancy in denial. When she finally visiting the Family Planning Clinic, almost five months into her pregnancy, an appointment was made for a termination. Despite the fear and confusion she felt at the time, she was never offered counselling. Though she did set off on the journey to the clinic, Anna never made the appointment. On the train back home, she felt her baby kicking for the first time.
Anna's life changed dramatically when she became a mother. Her friends slowly drifted away, and her hopes and aspirations changed with her new role. Anna is clearly very bright; she passed her GCSE's (despite being five months pregnant) with ease, and had plans to become a Veterinary nurse. She had done work placements, was at the right college and on the path to getting the right qualifications, but something was still wrong. 'I was having second thoughts,' she says. 'I think I was trying to please my parents and I was scared that if I didn't do this, then I would not do anything.' Anna felt backed into a corner, discovering her pregnancy seemed like the only way out.
'My parents were surprised and shocked,' she says. 'I did well in school, behaved, and they never expected anything like this. The first thing Mum said was that I had ruined my life. I won't ever forget that. Dave's mum didn't take to it too well either, I think she thought I had ruined his life as well.'
Despite Anna's initial fears and reservations, she was fortunate to have fantastic support from her health visitor, who recognised the symptoms of PND instantly, and helped her to recover. 'She never judged me or told me what to do,' she says. 'With her help, and that of my doctor, we were offered our own house when Aimee was four months old.'
Anna has stuck by her decisions and has managed to achieve a harmony and direction in her life that many older women would be jealous of. 'My husband Dave was my support, and he was all I wanted and still do. We have been together for seven years and married for five and a half,' she says. 'It has been tough but we are together, have our own home, car and two daughters. I don't regret anything that I have done and Aimee was not a mistake, just a nice and unexpected surprise.'
Lindsay's story
When Lindsay was 15 she was raped, found herself pregnant, and then miscarried eight weeks later. At 17 she discovered that she was pregnant again, by an abusive and violent man, who eventually deserted her halfway through the pregnancy. 'I had been told the year before by my doctor that I didn't stand a chance of having kids because of a problem with my ovaries,' she says. 'So when I got pregnant again I was over the moon, there was no way I would have got rid of him.'
On discovering she was pregnant, Lindsay received mixed emotions from her parents 'My mum was just as happy as I was when I found out I was pregnant and she enjoyed every moment of my pregnancy with me,' she says. 'My Dad, on the other hand, just laughed it off and called me a "silly cow".'
Although happy about her own situation, Lindsay admits it is hard, and believes that teenage mums could help prevent other youngsters from ending up in the same position by talking to them. 'Teen mums should be encouraged to visit local schools to tell other teenagers that it isn't all its cracked up to be, how hard it really is and what they wished they had done differently; then maybe the number of teen parents would reduce,' she says. 'If they are told about it by adults they won't really listen because they see it as another nag, as opposed to useful information.'
Like many before her, Lindsay knew the dangers of unprotected sex. 'I knew what a condom was and I knew about the pill, but I was one of those people who thought, "It will never happen to me".' Perhaps her idea of school visits would redefine this assumption, and make other teens realise how easily it could be any one of them.
Lindsay has had to deal with more personal trauma in her life than most twice her age. The consequences of rape can never be underestimated, and few are in the position to judge her or her decisions with any authority. She has come out the other side with a maturity, optimism and determination that she deserves to be proud of. 'I don't regret anything, I love my son to bits and I wouldn't change him for the world,' she says. 'I wouldn't turn back time and think, "maybe I should have waited a little while longer and have him later", because you only have to change one thing in your past, and your future might not be what it is today.'