|
You've set the date and the wedding plans are in full swing.
You've never felt happier, so why should you stop, think and question your relationship?
Too many couples head up the aisle before they've discussed their expectations of marriage. Couples often don't realise that they differ on many issues - their aims, hopes, fears and expectations. By discussing these during your engagement, you give yourselves time to align your ideas and attitudes. You can also spot any potential problems and start working on them together.
Issues to consider
I've listed a range of issues you should consider before you take the plunge. Think through each issue fully and take notes. Get your fiance to consider the questions too. Then swap notes.
You'll find some issues easy to discuss, but others will take a while to talk through. Be prepared for long conversations and some disagreement. This whole process may take weeks, but it will be worth it.
The point is not necessarily that you agree on everything - though if you seriously disagree, see the 'troubleshooting' note at the end of this feature. The point is that by talking things through, you not only get to understand each other better, but also align your expectations of marriage. You also get into practice for the key skills that will make your relationship successful - communicating and negotiating.
Topic One: The reasons for getting married
The primary motive for getting married is because you love each other and want to be together, but each of you may have other reasons for wanting to wed - other needs that you have to fulfil if the marriage is going to work.
Which of the following reasons for marrying apply to you? Tick as many as you agree with, then compare notes and talk through your differences.
Your partner's reasons for marrying may not fit with yours. If you're feeling angry or upset you need to talk the issue through. A common difference is one partner marrying as a sign of commitment but the other partner marrying because he or she wants children. The aim of this exercise is to get to a point where you understand, appreciate and respect each other's motives, even if they differ.
I want to get married because I love my partner and also because:
I see it as the next logical step in our relationship
I want to have children
I want my family to be happy about our relationship
I feel it's time I was married
my religion demands it
I want to make a success of marriage this time round
I want to give the children a stable home
I want the security of marriage
I want to be independent of my parents
my friends are all married
It is a sign of my commitment to my partner
It is a sign of my partner's commitment to me
Topic two: Your marriage models
What you've seen of marriage - from your parents, relatives, friends, or your own previous marriage - will deeply affect how you handle being wed.
Think about a couple whose marriage has influenced you. Then work your way down the list below, ticking as many statements as apply to that couple. Then go back and write beside each whether you want to copy that behaviour or avoid it.
The areas in which you and your partner give different answers will show where you're likely to act differently once you're married. So if your 'marriage model' couple spent a lot of time together and you see that as a good thing but your partner's 'marriage model' couple were more independent and he likes that, then you need to talk that through and come to a compromise.
The couples whose marriages I feel I have been most influenced by:
talked to each other/talked very little/understood each other without words
were faithful to each other/had an open marriage/were generally faithful but understood if the other strayed
would never think of divorce/accepted divorce as a possibility but never did it/did divorce
had a good marriage/had a bad marriage/had a marriage that was sometimes good, sometimes bad
got lots of family support/hardly mixed with their families/were badly influenced by their families
argued a lot/never argued/argued but enjoyed it
spent a lot of time together/had their own separate lives
enjoyed being married/hated being married
Topic three: How do you think you'll lead your day-to-day married life?
Tick what your expectations are, then compare notes and talk through any areas where differences arise and you may have to negotiate.
On a day-to-day basis, I expect that when we are married, we will:
(tick as many options as apply for each question)
live close to where we are now/live far away/live abroad at some point/live wherever
spend every moment of our free time together/spend at least two evenings a week apart/take holidays apart/spend long periods apart because of work
both work full time/I will work and he will keep house/he will work and I will keep house
share income completely/have separate accounts plus a joint account for joint bills/have completely separate finances
share the housework completely/I will do most of the housework/he will do most of the housework/I'll do cooking and cleaning etc, he'll do boys' stuff
regularly visit our families/occasionally visit our families/spend every Christmas with our families/probably have parents or family members to live with us at some point
have our own friends of the same gender/have our own friends of the opposite gender/share all friends and see them only as a couple/not need to see friends because we have each other
divide the child care equally/I will do most of the childcare/he will do most of the childcare
Topic four: The emotional deal
Once we're married, we: (tick as many options as apply for each
question)
won't row any more/will row just as much but feel secure in the knowledge that we won't split up/will row more because married couples always do
will take important decisions together/I will make most of the important decisions/he will make most of the important decisions
will talk through problems when we hit them/talk to friends and family about any problems we have/be prepared to get counselling if necessary
won't sleep with anyone else/won't flirt with anyone else/will still have the freedom to have sexual relationships with other people
won't go out alone with a member of the opposite gender/will still have friends of the opposite gender
will have a family more or less straight away/wait a few years before having a family/not have children at all
will need to put previous life plans aside/go ahead with our life plans even if that means spending time apart
will have sex at least once a day/will have sex at least once a week/will carry on having sex at roughly the same rate/will expect a decline in our sex lives as time goes by
will only part when one of us dies/will part if one of us has an affair/will part if one of us falls out of love/will part if it becomes obvious that we are incompatible/will part if the relationship seems to be blocking us from fulfilling our aims in life
Troubleshooting
You will disagree with each other on some issues - and that's normal. The aim of the exercises is to make you aware of your differences. Marriage is about give and take - and the bottom line is that you won't get all of what you want, even some of the time. So if you disagree, don't panic - just keep talking until you understand each other - and see where you can meet in the middle.
What if the two of you disagree about life goals?
The one where it won't be possible to 'meet in the middle' is where there are disagreements over deeply held beliefs or life goals. The following are the big issues: sexual orientation, the importance of fidelity, wanting children, ethical or religious beliefs. If you differ on any of these, then it will be very difficult to find a middle road.
It may seem as if these things will work themselves out in time - for example, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't then you may hope that the 'anti' partner will change their mind. But such deep rooted differences are almost always a cause of unsolvable problems later down the line.
What if your fiance won't do this exercise?
If your fiance won't play, then you can learn a lot from doing this exercise alone - though you won't get a complete picture of how the two of you differ, and hence what problems you might meet once you're wed.
But the problem is, if he won't put in the time to discuss things with you at this stage, it probably means that he doesn't see the marriage commitment in the same way as you do. Further down the line if things get tough, you may have deep divisions about whether you are willing to work on the relationship.
What if you realise that you're not happy about the marriage?
If having explored your individual thoughts and feelings you're not sure, hesitate. Marriage is a huge challenge and there is no point in taking on that challenge unless you are certain you can handle it.
Hesitation doesn't mean the end of the world, however. Have some sessions with a counsellor and it is very likely you can resolve your differences and settle your doubts.
Relate offers pre-marriage courses and individual couples counselling.
Engaged? Planning your wedding? Talk to other brides-to-be on The Wedding Planner message board
|