iVillage talks to three women who have married and divorced, about how they coped with the process, and how it affected them later in love and life

Statistics show that fewer people get married today. Those that do take a trip down the aisle are leaving it until later in life, and sadly a fair share of those marriages will end in divorce.

Byrony: "When you've been married and divorced, all before your 30th birthday, you stick out a bit"

Elinor: "We were married within five months and two months after that I fell pregnant"

Ruth: "We had a communication problem"

Bryony's story
I started medical school in London when I was 19 and met Julian in the first week. We lived in the same hall of residence. The only payphone was mounted outside his room. My mother was always calling, so he was forever answering the phone and knocking on my door to pass on messages. It became a bit of a joke and we soon became friends.

Medical students form pretty intense relationships as the studying and long hours draw you into each other's lives, and away from the outside world. So we became close quickly, and before long we were a couple. We had the same friends, studied together, and supported each other through the intense workload. By the time we came to our final year, marriage seemed like the logical next step.

I decided to finish studying to become a general practitioner, whereas Julian wanted to carry on and specialise in Oncology, helping people suffering from cancer. In the first year of marriage, my workload reduced, while his got worse. I supported him as much as I could, and he, although tired a lot, worked hard to make me happy too.

The real problem started when he was offered a placement at a university in the US. I had just started at a new practice and was not ready to throw away my years of study to join him for the six months he would be away. We had no choice but to have a long distance relationship for a while.

Those months were very difficult, only made worse when his stay was extended. We were still relative newlyweds and had barely had a chance to forge a life or home together. When we finished medical school I thought that the hard slog was over; we were trained doctors and were over the worst of it. In fact this was just the beginning, we were so young, and still had lots of decisions to make about our individual lives, let alone our lives together. Had I known this, I don't think I would have married Julian.

We decided to separate but found we would briefly get back together only to argue and get frustrated with one another again. I knew he hoped for more work in the US and it made me angry that he was choosing his job over me. We didn't seem to share the same dreams anymore, and had become like quarrelling siblings, not lovers. Eventually we sat down and decided to call it quits and get divorced.

The actual divorce was relatively painless and straightforward. There were no children, hardly any division of assets, and we had separate homes. The hardest part was that it seemed to take so long. He was in the US, so it was hard to pin him down for signatures. Plus, after we got the decree nisi, we had to prove that we had been separated for two years. Finally we got the decree absolute, which is the final statement that says you're legally divorced.

I've been a divorcee for three years now and I am pretty much the only one of my friends who has been married, let alone divorced! People marry so much later now, so when you've been married and divorced, all before your 30th birthday, you stick out a bit. I'm in a new relationship now (with a non-doctor) and initially he was a little taken back that I was a divorcee. I think initially men see you as someone who may try to corner them into marriage, when this couldn't be further from the truth. After my marriage, I spent quite a while dating inappropriate men, something I should probably have done in my early 20s, when you can get away with it, instead of getting married.

Elinor's story
I met Jim at a time when I was very vulnerable. I was 21 and had lost both my parents in a relatively short space of time. Being an only child, I often felt terribly alone. I had also just moved to London and didn't have many friends. It was a difficult time.

I was Jim's secretary before I was his wife. He ran a business in the late 70s that delivered flowers all over the world. I thought he was both charming and chivalrous. He was a bit older than me, and I think I was attracted to the mature father figure aspect. He reminded me a bit of my dad and I found that comforting. Before long we started dating.

We were married within five months and two months after that I fell pregnant. He was delighted, as he didn't have children from his previous marriage. I pretended to be delighted but I was actually terrified; I was only 23 and quite emotionally immature, I didn't feel ready for children.

I found pregnancy hard and soon began to see my husband in a different light. I think pregnancy is the first real test of a couple, and we failed. We couldn't communicate with each other as he saw me as a little girl. I felt overpowered by him, intellectually and emotionally. When we argued, he would patronise me, making me feel very inferior, and I suppose my immaturity irritated him too.

After the birth, things went from bad to worse until I eventually moved to my aunt's house. A couple of months later a letter arrived from his lawyers informing me that he had not only begun divorce proceedings, but was also applying for custody of our daughter.

The next few months were hell. I had a nervous breakdown - probably triggered by the divorce, but also a long time coming. I had not really mourned for my parents properly, using my relationship with Jim as a kind of alternative. I was also recovering from post-natal depression, so the added strain of dealing with solicitors and the courts tipped me over the edge, and I felt very unstable. Jim was granted temporary custody of our daughter, and I was given some time to sort myself out before they reconsidered my case.

This was the reality check I needed. With help from a fantastic counsellor, I slowly began to deal with the loss of my mum and dad, and learnt to cope on my own. When I went back to court eight months later I was a different person. I got my daughter back. I knew I was well again when I felt nervous in the court hearing - before I had felt numb.

Jim and I came to an agreement over access through solicitors. I initially wanted to use a mediator (apart from anything, they are cheaper than a solicitor), but Jim was less trusting, more old-fashioned and preferred using a solicitor. He admitted that looking after our daughter full time was difficult because he worked such long hours. I think he knew that she was better off in my care.

Now, almost 25 years later, I am happily remarried. In a strange way, I think my first marriage actually improved my attitude towards relationships. It was a grounding event that forced me to understand that marriage and lifelong commitment are nothing to do with hearts and flowers. Romance has its place, but the really important aspect is friendship, equality, and flexible compatibility.

Ruth's story
I met my husband when I was 22. Sully had just come back from New York and was into star signs and anti-Vietnam demonstrations. We were both free-spirited youngsters of the 60s and were immediately attracted to each other.

The first few months were very romantic. We had so much in common. We were both Jewish, held similar opinions, ambitions and dreams, and quickly fell deeply in love. Everyone said how well suited we were: he was so laid-back and I was full of energy and ambition - we complemented each other.

The first years of our marriage were difficult. The difference in our energy levels began to show. It was the little things; I remember being infuriated that he refused to help me put up some pictures in our new home, preferring instead to sit in front of the TV. He often worked evenings, so I was alone quite a lot. We both had fairly demanding families and were torn between finding time to see them and having time for each other.

Lack of communication was the main reason that our marriage broke down. Patterns were set early on in our marriage. He became more withdrawn and I more neurotic, throwing tantrums to get his attention. We had good times too. We had two fantastic kids and we got so much pleasure from parenting - watching them grow and develop. After 16 years, however, we were both tired and eventually filed for divorce.

The divorce process was difficult but I found a wonderful female lawyer, and had the support of my father through the legal and financial process. I had two young children, aged 13 and 10, and was determined that Sully and I would remain good friends because, despite instigating the divorce, I still loved him.

My son was affected the most by our break up, perhaps because he was the youngest, and being a boy, missed his dad. But we still did a lot of things together as a family and we worked hard to be mutually supportive. It took me many years to come to terms with the reality that my marriage had not worked. In some ways I feel such a failure and wish we could have worked through our problems.

I think my divorce has affected the way I look at other relationships, but that is constantly changing as I get older. The qualities I looked for in a man during my 20s and 30s are a far cry from the things I look for now I'm in my 50s.

I think if Sully and I had lived together first, taken more time to get to know one another, then maybe things would have been different. I think that couples should have a renewable private contract together. You need to review your relationship as the years go by and different influences enter your life. The contract should cover items such as personal development, ambition, loyalty, sex and growing together. As religion is now no longer such a strong influence on the moral structure of people's lives, couples need to create some form of custom-made structure for themselves. Marriage is a difficult number, you need to work hard for it to be a success.

If you are going through a separation or divorce and need support, talk to iVillagers on the Divorce and Separation support board. Join in the live discussions now: