Is your man faking his big O?

couple having sex A survey by iVillage.co.uk and women's sexual health experts Vielle™ explodes time-honoured myths about the role of men and women in the bedroom, and highlights a worrying trend in male sexual dysfunction

While a majority of British men and women are open with partners about their sexual needs and a majority of women admit to owning a sex toy, a new survey of over 1,000 men and women aged 18 to 65, revealed that almost 15 percent of men admit to faking an orgasm at some time in their lives, with almost half of those admitting to faking an orgasm two-thirds of the time. Over half of the women questioned admit that they still fake orgasms sometimes, but according to experts, in this instance the source and cause of the problem between the sexes is often very different.

A man who struggles to achieve orgasm and ejaculation, suffers from a condition known as retarded ejaculation. According to Joy Rosendale, Psychosexual Therapist and accredited member of the British Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (BARST), 'I see this problem of not being able to 'let go' enough to climax much more frequently than in the past,' she says. 'The uncertain and changing position of men in society can sometimes be acted out in this way, with men being confused about their role.'

How serious is RE?
Retarded ejaculation has a cause, but like many sexual problems it often stems from an unpleasant past experience or trigger. In order to identify the trigger and seek a solution, communication, and some frank, emotional discussion is required; areas that some men find tricky.

The problem is that RE doesn't take long to manifest. If a man fakes it only once or twice, the body soon learns the pattern and it becomes the norm. 'Faking can become such a habit, that eventually he finds that he can no longer ejaculate' says Rosendale. 'If a couple then decides they want children, it starts to become a very real problem'.

How can you help him?

Visit the doctor
A trip to the doctor will eliminate any medical problems that might cause retarded ejaculation. For example, men who have had late circumcision or a urethral infection may be experiencing RE as a result of trauma to the penis.

Seek help
It is possible that the problem stems from some childhood event or trauma holding him back. Seek professional help through organisations such as Relate. If he is reluctant to go with you, most counsellors will happily see you on your own. If it were a longstanding problem however, you would be better off attending as a couple.

Is there a baby issue?
It is not uncommon for a man who is scared or unready to have children to fake their orgasms for fear of being 'tricked' into parenthood - this is particularly common for men who have unwittingly made their previous partners pregnant or who have had children before they felt ready.

This opens up trust issues. If you haven't yet got round to telling him that you want children, it's possible he's already worked it out for himself. Try to talk through your wants together, and reassure him that you won't do anything underhanded with his swimmers!

Change your sexual repertoire
Some men enjoy very rough masturbation and may find that when it comes to sex, vaginal stimulation is simply not hitting the spot. There is a whole programme that sex therapists use in this instance, it focuses mainly on a cycle of masturbation, then intercourse, then masturbation and so on. The aim is to bring him closer to the point of climax through masturbation, but 'catching' ejaculating on intercourse.

It is important to remember that retarded ejaculation does not have to be a longstanding problem, but it will not generally go away on its own. Encourage him to be open and honest with you, listen to his fears or concerns, and before long, you will both be back on the road to mind-blowing, and fully orgasmic, sex!

Further reading

For more information on the Vielle™ clitoral stimulator, now available in mainstream stores such as Tesco and Boots, visit their website at www.vielle.co.uk