Relate Counsellor Paula Hall talked to iVillagers from the Families in the Forces message board about the issues of coping with a long distance relationship. Paula is a Relate Counsellor and Sex Therapist with a vast background of experience, and is an active expert at iVillage

The issues of the day
Lots of the concerns raised during this chat were to do with distance and friendships, insecurity and stress; concerns that can, and do, affect most relationships now and again. When families are separated, and you don't know where a loved one is or when they may be coming back, problems can feel overwhelming as there isn't the opportunity to talk through the worries.

Not having partners present can cause those left behind to become independent, developing their own routines so that when partners return, re-integration can be difficult. Other issues such as moving house, leaving the established community of the camp/base and entering civilian life, and not always being sure how long you are going to be in one place can add to feelings of insecurity. Understanding that everyone will develop different ways of coping with these situations helps; No one solution fits all That's why it's important to ask for support, to be curious about how others have dealt with similar situations and to offer ideas.

Some people only want and need the reassurance that their feelings are natural and they're coping strategies valid. Chatting online can be a great way of communicating with a variety of people and receiving support, but talking with partners about how you're feeling, hearing how they feel and working together on the relationship is the only way forward. Being in the forces means you may not be able to do that as instantly as you'd like. You may not want to start a really heavy conversation the moment you're together again, preferring instead to celebrate and focus on the positive aspects of your reunion, as a couple. Make sure, however, that concerns are registered and put on the agenda before you're separated again.

Solutions aren't always easy to find, especially when there are so many outside influences, but it's not impossible.

Real life problems

How do we deal with stress from a distance?

Why do I feel so insecure?

When he's away, I resort to junk food

Talk to others about life in the forces

Visit the relate website at www.relate.org.uk

Real life problems

Dealing with stress from a distance
Both my husband and I are stressed just now with various things, but primarily the issues are the recent death of my sister, his impending Gulf deployment, and deciding on IVF treatment. We are both so stressed that we don't have any room left to support one another.
Any advice?
cl-poppy_iv

Advice that I often give clients who feel overwhelmed with so many problems is to agree only to worry about one thing at a time and have periods of time when you're not allowed to worry about anything. A practical way you can do this is to write each worry on a slip of paper and put the slips of paper in an envelope. You allow yourselves certain periods of time when you can pick one thing out of the envelope and talk about it - or worry about it. But you make it a finite period of time - ie we will talk or I will worry about the IVF treatment for one hour. At the end of that time, you put the piece of paper away, put the envelope in a drawer and do something else that you know is relaxing or talk about something neutral or happy. If worries begin to invade your mind again, tell yourself you're not allowed to think of it now and set a time when you will. It takes practise but in time this can allow you to feel much more in control of your thought processes and enjoy some stress-free times. I hope that helps.
Paula

Feeling insecure
We've just moved to the UK from Germany and getting used to the English way of living is a task in itself! We have recently bought a house but for a variety of reasons, for the next 18 months we will only see one another at weekends. We are two weeks into this arrangement, but I'm beginning to think that maybe it isn't such a good idea.

My husband had an affair with another woman who lives near his work. He told me about the affair and explained that the reason it happened was because I was whinging to him every time we spoke, not looking after myself and just generally making him depressed and lonely, and she offered him the company.

Now we have spoken about all this, I understand why it happened to a certain extent, and I can honestly say looking back that I might have done the same.

Can you advise me on how to feel less insecure about everything at the moment?
roxy

I'm not at all surprised that you're feeling insecure at the moment. You're in a new environment, trying to adjust to so many things all at once. Even without your partner's previous affair, many women would be feeling unsure about what might be happening while they're not around. It sounds as if you've been able to talk through the affair and move on really well. I wonder if you've talked about how you'll both be sure that it won't ever happen again? Have you agreed ways in which you might be able to 'affair-proof' your relationship?

I understand your anxiety about 'whinging' but perhaps it would be more sensible to have the conversation early on and all out in the open, than risk you dropping hints over a number of phone calls or visits. And if you haven't already done so, you can talk about any ways in which you can keep in touch during the week. Phone calls are the obvious one, but can you also email, msn chat, text? Have you explored 'sex' via any of these methods? That may not be something that would work for you, but perhaps you could have fun exploring it as a new way of keeping close and intimate.
Paula

Comfort eating
I had an argument with my husband last night over the phone about eating chocolate and junk food when he is away. He doesn't seem to understand my situation: I eat chocolate and junk food when I am lonely because it makes me feel better. If I didn't, I would cry day and night and my house would be a mess.
eve

It sounds as if you're really lonely when he's away and you're making yourself feel better with comfort food. But in the long run, perhaps it's not really making things any better. Rather than helping to sort out the loneliness problem, it's taking your mind off it with something pleasurable. What you need to do is find ways to feel less lonely. I don't know anything about your circumstances, but I wonder if you are able to make more friends or do more activities where you will spend time with people. Also, what other things can you do that you find pleasurable? Can you enjoy lounging in the bath, or watching a favourite movie? There are healthier alternatives to comfort food - it's not easy to give up an old habit, but it might be best for you in the long run.
Paula

Visit the relate website at www.relate.org.uk

If you are struggling with your military man, why not chat with others in the same boat on the Families in the Forces message board? Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place on the board right now: