Relate talks about mismatched sex drives

relate logo Relate counsellor Julia Cole is a highly experienced couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist. Here, she talks to the men and women of the iVillage community about the problems of mismatched sex drives

The issues of the day
This month's topic of mismatched sex drives is one known to most couples at some time. He wants it, she doesn't or vice versa. Research suggests that couples experience sex as 'ebb and flow'; with sexual activity altering throughout the time a couple is together. Sexual desire does not run like a tap from puberty onwards! Desire is strongly affected by the length of time together, the life stage you are passing through, and the pressures and pleasures of your life at the time.

If you experience problems in feeling interested in sex at the same time, consider making a 'sex date'. Put a date in your diary, shut the door, and spend time enjoying one another. Give sensual massages, bathe together, and experiment with lots of stimulating arousal. Take your time and allow your partner to get in the mood. Recent research suggests that women are more likely to respond to 'situational desire'. That is, if they are approached with sensitivity and sometimes passion they will feel desire for their partner. They are less likely to feel desire outside of actual initiation, although women do feel independent desire as men do.

If you want to be in sync for sex, it is important to talk about your relationship and ask yourself what you want from lovemaking. If you feel differently about your needs, your sex drives will gradually differ. Read 'The Relate Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships' by Sarah Litvinoff to help you understand more about sex and relationships.

Real life problems

He says...

She says...

More information

  • Talk to others about Mismatched Sex Drives
  • Talk to a relate counsellor at iVillage
  • Visit the relate website at www.relate.org.uk

    Real life problems:

    He says...

    I love her, but she no longer turns me on
     Although my girlfriend of three years is beautiful, I no longer find her physically attractive. When she makes advances, I make excuses and I fantasise about sex with other woman I meet. I was recently unfaithful for the first time which I feel so guilty about and don't intend to repeat. However, the sex with this other woman was great, there was something exciting about the chase, the seduction and discovering a new 'body'.

    I masturbate over pornography a couple of times a week, but I don't think I'm an addict. I've joined a gym to try to increase my fitness and libido, but despite my good intentions I find it hard to motivate myself to go regularly.

    I don't feel I associate sex with love, and have found I can treat a partner in a detached way at the beginning which allows me to feel more relaxed about sex, because with emotional security and intimacy comes a prudishness and barriers. What can I do?
    singer

    Your final paragraph neatly sums up the problem and is a good description of a common problem. You just don't equate sex with attachment. If you are serious about working on this you don't need the gym, but you do need a therapist.

    I would suggest you need some fairly long-term work to explore your upbringing and the approach your family took to sex. You may also need to stop masturbating to porn and concentrate on the relationship in general, asking yourself what you want from a partnership.

    Your girlfriend would also benefit from an honest discussion from you about how you are feeling as she is probably thinking there is something wrong with her. If you can face some of these issues, you will eventually find a solution to your problems.
    Julia

    Does masturbation determine desire?
     I understand that an individual's libido varies throughout life and is never constant, but what merit would you put on assessing similar masturbation rates prior to committing to a long-term relationship or parenthood?

    Obviously I am not thinking of asking any prospective partners on our first date how often she masturbates, but is this a measure of possible long-term compatibility?
    goman

    Masturbation is not a great determiner of the desire for sex with a partner. Some people masturbate every day in order to relax or de-stress, but would not want lovemaking so frequently. Others who hardly ever masturbate, might want sex with a partner a lot more.

    A better way of understanding if your partner shares your interest in lovemaking is to talk to them about what they enjoy, how often they currently like to have sex and what they expect from sex (eg: what constitutes a good experience). In this way, you will find out if you match up.
    Julia

    She says...

    My man isn't man enough for me
     My partner and I have been together for ten years and I couldn't really wish for anything more from the relationship, apart from the fact that I don't really want to have sex with him anymore. I sometimes get tired of being the 'leader' in the partnership and sometimes find it difficult to admire or fancy him, despite the fact that he's a really talented chef.

    We have discussed the problem a lot recently and I have started reading on the subject but nothing much is stirring on the desire front. Is it possible to regain the spark and excitement that originally existed?
    frenchpoppy8

    Sometimes sex is where couples express their anger or disappointment. Your lack of desire might be a protest vote against the imbalance in the relationship in other areas. It might also be connected to your need to have a man who is a leader because that is what you experienced as a child, or what you wanted in a father but never had.

    If you want him to lead you have to give him the space to do this, or he will develop a performance fear that will prevent him ever meeting your desires. Try asking him to give you massages, to caress you while you are bathing together or go away for a weekend where you can spend loads of time in bed together. Without making the time, you cannot explore and rediscover what brought you together in the fist place.
    Julia

    I'm 50, have I run out of sexual steam?
     I am 50 but have always had a low sex drive, only now I have no interest in sex at all. My husband and I may do it only one or two times a year.

    The kids have flown the nest and instead of enjoying time together, the sex issue has become a real problem, and is threatening what was once a warm and loving relationship.

    We are growing further apart, becoming more like two friends rather than husband and wife. There are no cuddles, kisses, hand-holding, nothing. I really don't know what to do and am worried he may stray.
    prizma

    Your first step is to initiate a lot more affection. Cuddle up on the sofa with your husband, offer him a shoulder massage or to rub his back in the bath - anything that allows you to be physically closer. Only once this has improved can you then start to think about sex.

    You could also try taking evening primrose oil and ginseng to boost your interest in sex. Consider consulting your GP about HRT; although it has had a bad press in recent years, it is still OK for some women, and could improve your sex drive.

    The most important thing is to rebuild the sense of closeness between you so you feel able to think about sex. Without that, sex will not be on the menu at all.
    Julia

    My baby stole my sex drive
     I have always had a lack of sex drive but since having my baby last year it has totally disappeared. I had post-natal depression a few months after my baby was born and my husband recently lost his job. We have been fighting recently and sometimes I feel like we are more like friends. We don't kiss or cuddle like we used to, but he admits that he would like sex more often.

    The baby isn't in the room anymore so it's not that I'm afraid to disturb her, I just don't like to kiss him or touch him and don't know why.
    mumofone04

    It's very hard to feel close and interested in sex when you are fighting and worrying about your relationship. Worry can prevent men and women feeling sexy, and you have already been through a tough time with PND and work issues; these are probably the reasons for your loss of desire.

    It seems as if the reason you are together have sunk to the bottom of the pile, so your first task is to rekindle the relationship in general, rather than focussing on sex. Make time to be together so you can talk. Arrange some fun times such as an evening out together so that you feel like a 'dating couple' again, rather than just parents (important though this is).

    You could also talk to a Relate counsellor to help you make sense of your experiences.
    Julia

    Why not chat to other iVillagers on the Mismatched Sex Drives message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place on the message board right now: