Teen behaviour in the home seems difficult enough, but it's even more daunting worrying about what your teen's getting up to outside of the home domain. Pyschologist Dr Pam Spurr helps us deal with peer pressure, sex and drugs
Top tips for parenting teens
Freedom and curfews
Sex and relationships
Drugs
Drinking
Peer pressure
Body piercings and tattoos
Most parents' biggest fear is their teen will get out of their depth in situations where, for example, drink and drugs might be available or they may be under pressure to have sex.
Add to this the fact your teen feels autonomous and independent when as a parent you know they still need guidance. But try to give them a little advice and they often repay you with a look saying you're the most pitiful person on earth because they 'know-it-all'.
Many parents acknowledge that rows are often triggered by what they perceive as a disrespectful 'I know-it-all' attitude when it comes to things like going out, drugs and sex. However it's not necessarily your teen being disrespectful, but rather part of a normal process of 'separation' from you.
Adolescent separation
The first stage of separation is when children pass through the toddler phase as their personality forms. But a further and somewhat trickier stage of separation occurs during adolescence in terms of decision-making and taking control of their lives. Imagine if a colleague or family member was always telling you they 'knew what was best for you'. You'd pull away with your own 'I know-it-all' attitude and that's how many teens feel.
The key to dealing with all sorts of concerns outside the home is to work with this attitude - that yes they do know some of it and you simply want to add to their knowledge! Generally speaking the approach I encourage is 'flexible firmness'. This entails discussion with your teen about the various issues they'll face. Their feelings and opinions are acknowledged, but you combine this with setting boundaries where you know they need setting, for example with curfews.
- Lead by your example. If you get hysterical easily or scream when angry then your teen will probably behave this way. Getting a grip on your own behaviour will give them a good role model.
- Let them know they're loved. If your teenager seems positively awful at times, they'll pick up on your negative feelings. If you don't let them know how loveable they are at other times you can damage their self-esteem. Research shows the lower their self-esteem, the more likely they'll become depressed and/or abuse drugs, alcohol or have sex before they're ready.
- Know who their friends are and encourage them to invite them over. If they feel there's a welcoming attitude at home they're more likely to bring friends home giving you the chance to monitor their friendships. Any friends that you feel are a bad influence you should discuss your concerns with your teen tactfully, but honestly.
- Think before you punish them if they've overstepped the mark. When you're enraged because they've come home drunk, cool down before you set a punishment. Because if while you're angry you say they're grounded for three months you'll only backtrack later. What's important with discipline is that it's consistent. You can ground them (for a reasonable amount of time) or take away privileges like pocket-money, phone use or television.
- Encourage interests. During the pre-teen years children often start to give up hobbies and interests, and socialising can completely take over. Encourage your child to keep one sport, hobby, or activity going, to give them a focus that is solely their own and not dependent on their peers. Research shows that teens with at least one strong interest, particularly in sport, are less likely to use drugs or alcohol inappropriately.
- Take a day-by-day approach. Parents can feel overwhelmed when they see months and years ahead of 'bad' teenage behaviour. Tackling issues as they arise will help you get through things.
- Never give up on your teen! You may face dark days, where, for example, you discover they've been taking drugs or have had sex too early, but don't turn your back on them.
Freedom and curfews
Keeping an open dialogue about where they're going and what they're doing is imperative. You have the right to set certain curfews and ensure they avoid any 'hot spots' where you know teens hang out and take drugs. Every neighbourhood seems to have such an area!
It's important that as your teen gets older you allow them more input into curfews and freedom to spend their time how they wish. Right from the outset you should agree certain principles like they have to complete schoolwork and household chores before meeting friends.
Don't be fooled by the plea that their friends get to 'stay out much later' than they do. Ring up their friends' parents and together agree a reasonable time for your teens to be home. More and more parents are working successfully together like this.
Sex and relationships
Research has found that half of teenagers regret their first sexual experience and nearly 80 per cent wish they'd waited longer. Not only do parents need to consider issues like preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) but such research suggests that every parent should be concerned with the emotional implications of early sexual experiences.
It's important to put aside any embarrassment you might feel and put your child's well-being first by making frank sexual discussions a reasonably regular occurrence. I stress regular because a one-off discussion about sex when your child is 13 will soon be forgotten.
Begin by asking what they have learned at school. Then ask if there's anything they feel they'd like to know. Have ready a guide about sexual matters geared at adolescents to offer them. Let them know you understand if this discussion makes them feel a little uncomfortable.
Next you can ask them about what they've heard about sex and relationships from their peers, and what they think of the stories they hear. Finally discuss with them the pressure they will find themselves under even from outwardly 'nice' boyfriends or girlfriends.
Giving a realistic view
You can stress that it can feel good getting physically close to someone but it's a very different thing going all the way. Stress how important it is that they put themselves first in relationships and let them know they can always talk to you about worries.
Adolescent relationships can be very intense even when no sexual activity is involved. Don't laugh at their 'puppy love'. If your teen feels ridiculed over their feelings towards someone then they're far less likely to come to you if they have a problem. When they do bring a boy or girlfriend home, insist they stay in family areas. As they get older, you could allow them in their bedroom if there's some reason, like a television or CD player in there, as long as they leave the door open and you pass by regularly.
Parents get worried about laying down such boundaries, but these actually make your teen feel more secure and less vulnerable to pressure. If you find it very difficult to talk to them about sexual health matters then get them to check out www.sexplained.com which has good, straightforward information. And for information on contraception see www.fpa.org.uk
Finally, it is your duty as a parent to try and keep your child safe from early sexual experiences for as long as possible. Every day counts and it's worth your time and effort to back them up in the face of peer pressure, and help them grow the confidence needed to know when the right time is to have sex.
Drugs
With recent research by charity Drugscope finding that ecstasy tablets are selling for as little as 50p each and government statistics showing that 39 per cent of 15 year olds used illegal drugs in the last year, your teen is bound to come into contact with them.
Having the 'drugs conversation' is important. Research shows teens that feel they can talk openly about drugs with their parents are less likely to try them, or try them later on (when perhaps they will do so more carefully). Part of this may be due to an increased sense of family unity that raises their confidence not to bend to peer pressure to use drugs. It's interesting that further research found 91 per cent of teens thought the government should do more to protect them from drink and drugs!
How to tackle it
- To ensure your drugs conversation gets off on the right foot, first off get yourself informed. Check out www.talktofrank.com for up-to-date information. If you sound as if you know what's out there your teen will take you more seriously.
- Next, be calm when raising the issue. Choose a moment when you actually have time to let the conversation flow and neither you nor your teen feel stressed.
- Acknowledge the fact that for some people taking drugs may make them 'feel good' but that there are many ways to get a natural high and encourage them to find those. Many teens get great pleasure from doing things like urban street dance classes or DJ mixing sessions. If they can find what gives them a high they are less likely to take drugs.
- Emphasise the fact that no one can predict who will have a bad drugs reaction and that this is a risk you do not want them to take.
- Encourage them to check out www.thesite.org to see various peer group conversations about issues like drugs.
- Keep aware of your teen's moods. If they become erratic, or depressed, if money goes missing, if they stop looking after themselves, these are all signs they made be on drugs.
- You can ring the National Drugs Helpline (0800-776-600); AdFam (020-7928-8898); Drug Concern (020-8681-8113). Also talk to your GP about local drugs services.
Drinking
Parents find concerns over drinking particularly hard to deal with considering alcohol is legal for the over 18s. Generally speaking 16 and 17 year-olds find it very easy to get a drink served. The most important thing you can do is set a good example with your own up drinking. You could also introduce your children to sensible drinking - where they get a small glass of wine or beer on family occasions, so it's a positive example.
As with drug concerns, keeping an open dialogue about drinking in moderation and being able to say 'No' to the pressure to get drunk will help your child.
When they go to parties ensure that other parents supervise them. Don't be fobbed off by your teen saying there will be supervision, you have the right to ring the parents at the home where the party's taking place to ensure they will be there. If your child comes home drunk, rather than rage at them, have a sensible conversation with them the next day. Ground them from the next party and explain why they're having that privilege taken away.
If your child repeatedly comes home drunk, seek help from your GP for adolescent alcohol counselling. Take repeated incidence of drunkenness seriously, and by catching it early you may be able to get them back on the right track.
Peer pressure
All teenagers come up against peer pressure. Even adults come up against pressure at work and from friends so you can expect more of this for your teen. Peer pressure takes many forms: from more subtle coercion, to daring each other to do things, to actual bullying.
It's important to discuss peer pressure with your teen and talk about the various forms it might take: from pushing curfew boundaries, to the pressure to shoplift, take drugs, drink, and have sex amongst other things. When discussing such scenarios, ask them how they might handle it. By getting them to think of the responses they could use against peer pressure you'll help promote their confidence.
An important antidote to peer pressure is encouraging individuality in your teen. The stronger their self-belief, the more confident they'll be in the face of peer pressure to conform.
Body piercings and tattoos
With everyone from movie stars to football players having tattoos and piercings your teen is very likely to go through a stage where they want some form of 'body adornment'.
As with all such discussions explore what exactly it is they want and why. Ask them to go through a cooling-off period of a couple weeks and then to reconsider it. Then try giving them some leeway on an area like the clothes they choose so you've got more leeway to say 'No' to more extreme trends.
Remember that tattoos are against the law for anyone under 18 and a reputable tattoo parlour will make them show ID. A useful general contact is www.parentlineplus.co.uk
Dr Pam Spurr is the Saturday evening presenter on LBC 97.3 - ring her on 0870-90-90-973, 7-10 pm. And the author of SEX, GUYS & CHOCOLATE - Your Essential Guide to Lust, Love and Life (Robson £7.99). A life coaching guide for all women ages 16-56.
More from Dr Pam Spurr:
Broadening your teen's horizons
Teens at home