Ever had an affair? If not, you may know someone who has: studies suggest one in three married British women has had, or is having an affair. And why? Well, unhappy marriages, craving a better sex life or having a husband who's cheated are cited as the main reasons for straying

• The definition of cheating
• The therapy my marriage needed
• My relief at coming clean
• Can I live with the guilt?
• No longer the domain of married men

The definition of cheating
But what constitutes cheating? The dictionary may define cheating as 'being sexually unfaithful' but does that really cover it? Does fantasising about another person equal betrayal? Is text sex just a frivolous diversion? Is flirting with a colleague cheating or simply a way of spicing up long working hours? Are you guilty from the moment you kiss, or is cheating defined purely by sex?

'Cheating is basically one thing - lying. Pure and simple. All of the above may constitute cheating but not if you have your partner's consent. It is basically the lies that hurt the most and cause the most damage.'
kexi

'In my opinion, anything hidden from your partner concerning another person is cheating, be that actual sex, sex talk or having an emotional affair. Anything that you knowingly take away from your relationship, I view as cheating.'
twinklealmost

Everyone has their own cheating curve but for most people, any emotional or physical involvement with someone outside the relationship, that your partner is unaware of, is cheating - although the majority do exclude fantasising from this. After all, who has't thought about George Clooney at some stage?

The therapy my marriage needed
For women who have affairs, it's not always so black and white. While some affairs are based on sex and the thrill of the unknown, most people admit the complications and emotional rollercoaster that follows isn't always worth. Few people are proud of their affairs yet in some cases, affairs, whether 'wrong' or not, have helped to kickstart a failing marriage:

'Looking back, I don't regret any of it. I think I needed to see firsthand that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I no longer feel any guilt over my other guy! It was a blessing in disguise. He made me realise that I needed to change not my marriage, but myself. As far as dear husband, well, we are working on getting back together, but very slowly. I have come to realise that I really love him and need to work on the romantic part of the relationship.'
epanee

My relief at coming clean
However, for other women, the affair became more than alternative therapy. It turned into the relationship that they actually preferred to their marriage. And for them, admitting the affair, dealing with the aftermath and moving on with their new partner at least signalled an end to secret trysts and lying to a husband they still cared about:

'We are well aware of hurt caused to others, but you cannot help your emotions. Some would say you should ignore them, but we are both freeing our original partners and they are free to find happiness, so we are not skulking about behind backs.'
lorac54

Can I live with the guilt?
But it doesn't always work out that way. What if you've cheated and wish you could turn back time? Regret is one of many emotions that can hit someone after they've started an affair or committed the first act of an affair. After sleeping with her boyfriend's best friend, and deeply regretting it, is it time to come clean or lay low?

'It's constantly on my mind and I cry all the time. For two weeks after, I couldn't eat. And I know it sounds crazy, but I cry when I have sex with my boyfriend but have to disguise it. I feel like I'm re-living the night. I feel humiliated and afraid. Should I tell him? I know he will want to finish with me. And that's for definite. I know him through and through and he will not stay with me under any circumstances.'
xxa_jxx

No longer the domain of married men
There's no one rule for what to do after a woman has had an affair. Interestingly, more marriages break down if it's the woman who has strayed than if the man has. Maybe women are more inclined to forgive or that when women have affairs, it's an emotional as well as a physical connection and therefore harder to recover from. Whatever it is, affairs are clearly no longer the domain of married men.

The expert opinion
Relationships expert, Paula Hall says: 'An affair always signals a turning point in a relationship. Sometimes there's no way back. Either a partner won't forgive or you just can't forgive yourself. But for some couples, an affair forces them to look at themselves and their relationship in a different light. There's no way your relationship can ever be the same, but sometimes it can be better than ever before. With more honesty and openess and commitment to make sure neither of you ever strays again.'

Whoever is doing the cheating, there's no doubt that many a marriage can suffer as a result, so get advice, support and guidance on our boards to help you through.