Blame his star sign: why men do the weird things they do

rottendayIf you find yourself blaming the full moon for your man's bad behaviour, you'll certainly benefit from learning more about his star sign - especially the dark side. In Born on a Rotten Day, author Hazel Dixon-Cooper points out the trouble with some guys born on certain days. If you're confused by the antics of a particular man, match his birthday to his sign below and find out what the stars have to say. Harsh? A little. Entertaining? Very. True? That's up to you...



Aries (March 21-April 19)

'Arrogant. Pompous. Vain. Cruel. Verbose. Show-off. I've been called all of these. Of course, I am.' Howard Cosell (Born March 25)

Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter what his age. He's as friendly as a puppy, downright fearless, and rather like one of those weighted clowns that children punch. You can knock him down, but he will always bounce back. And, for as long as he loves you, he will be faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak in the knees, make sure there's a sofa handy to fall on, because by the time you've swooned, this Romeo will have moved on to his next conquest! Aries men are in love with love. The appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill of the chase, not your charming smile.

Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a knight in shining armour. However, you are just as likely to get run down by his charging steed as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he was also a royal pain in the butt - a bit like your Aries man. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere's dress, he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur. In Lance's point of view, he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is the only one that counts. The Ram fears mediocrity more than death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in town than just another anonymous working slob. He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit he inflicts with careless abandon. He takes pride in being more self-centered than Scorpio and more obtuse than Taurus. He's sure he's right, especially when he is wrong.

Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash, and ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for action. Don't be fooled by the shy type. He may come over all 'Aw shucks' and toe shuffles, like Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face, or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the best way to get you into his bed in the shortest possible time.

On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago hung a brass plate with the inscription 'Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare' - the Latin for 'If you don't swing, don't ring'. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip, hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and well, and still the quintessential bad boy at 77.

Remember all of this before you buy your wedding dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to worship the ground he makes you crawl on, while he declares his need for freedom. He will require you to have the house sparkling, the grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he gets home from his latest adventure. He'll leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder. When he appears at the table, he'll expect you to have a gourmet's delight in one hand and his favourite cold drink in the other. And, you'd better look like you just stepped out of the pages of Vogue. This man chases the ideal. He doesn't want a real woman, with real needs. He wants the adoration of a mother and the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy centrefold. He thinks he is indestructible, but he's extremely accident-prone and seldom gets through life without a few broken bones, several concussions, and a couple of totalled cars. He is restless, fidgety, and has frequent headaches.

Just as he is either brash or shy, he'll either be a spendthrift or paranoid about starving to death. You'll have to cut out coupons and buy pork and beans in bulk, while he plays Mr Fix-It with the plumbing. You'll learn to sew and to raise your own veggies, while he attacks his latest money-making scheme with the same fierce energy that makes him shout at the TV and practise road rage in the church parking lot. If he's loose with cash, you'll have to work two jobs to keep the debt-collectors off your back and a roof over your heads.

Mr Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will smash the glasses and put his fist through the wall one minute, then get jiggy with it the next. And he will be genuinely surprised when you resist his ardour as you're bent over the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.

Your favourite martian will start a little war to have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay out until all hours. A Leo would announce that he's going out with the boys, and a Capricorn would tell you he's working late at the office, but Aries needs to rationalise his bad behaviour. If you're the bitch, then he is still the hero. The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call him Butthead.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

'The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is 'What does a woman want?'
Sigmund Freud (Born May 6)

He's patient, prudent, and persevering, a tower of strength on whom you can lean. You'll fall for his shy charm and those big, sad eyes. He may remind you of a slow-talkin', slow-walkin' hero like Gary Cooper or Henry Fonda. His needs are simple: home and hearth, a good woman, and a nest egg for that rainy day. But before you start drooling, read on!

Taurus may offer old-shoe comfort, but what you're likely to get is an army-boot mentality. Hook up with the Bull and either do things his way, or do your thing alone. He won't mind your independence, if it benefits him in some way, and as long as dinner is ready when he appears. Don't expect to be showered with praise and lavish attention. But do expect to be cast in the role of the little woman. Of all the men in the universe, this one expects the 1950s textbook version. He will buy your clothes, pick your friends, and criticise your beliefs. He is judgmental and fixed in his ideas, attitudes, and prejudices. Nothing you can say or do will change him. You'll have the distinct feeling of being boiled alive slowly, just as the proverbial frog, and you will be right. Mr T invented the smothering relationship.

He is jealous, possessive, and obsessive. Piss him off and he'll hold a grudge. Unfortunately, it's not a silent one. He will snipe and pick and make nasty remarks until you want to bash in his head with the nearest blunt object.

The Taurean love for food is renowned, and the Bull likes to eat. By your second anniversary, he could be wearing triple-X sweat pants and a truss. He is capable of eating himself into multiple heart attacks and will expect you to play nurse both in and out of the bedroom.

His idea of excitement is switching from the food channel to Wrestlemania. It's convenient, not too far from the refrigerator, and best of all, doesn't cost a thing. You may be irresistible, and he may love you madly, but he will never understand why you need any other company but his. If he does take you out, it will be to one of his favourite restaurants, where he'll be too busy stuffing his face to make decent conversation.

He's a cheapskate. Only a Taurus could live on a beer-and-beans budget unnecessarily. He may have millions, but you'll never see the bank accounts, although you might get an allowance. If you do get his money, it will only be because you outlived him, or murdered him in his sleep. The latter will become a tempting idea as time goes by.

Sigmund Freud's use of psychoanalysis was a breakthrough in the field of psychiatry. But only a Taurus man could be at once so obtuse and so egotistical as to define a woman's frustrations and unresolved emotional distress as penis envy. Freud's Scorpio ascendant only fuelled his obsession with sex. Virtually all of his theories held sex responsible for all the emotional ills of mankind. Including Sigmund, who had a lengthy affair with his wife's younger sister. The original Freudian slip.

The Bull's favourite game is Grand Inquisitor. He will expect you to report every detail of your day. He will also rummage through your private papers and read your diary at the first opportunity. If you have a past and are foolish enough to reveal it, he is capable of using it against you at any time for the rest of your life. Your best bet is a safe-deposit box, and to lie your ass off.

He is so stable, he's inert. Work and home are all he knows, or needs. Although he's marathon man between the sheets, what he really wants is a housekeeper, and is so insensitive that you must hit him with a hammer to get attention. If you're the type who needs excitement now and then, you could lick the light socket or have an affair. With a Taurus man, I'd opt for the former. The Bull is not the forgive-and-forget type. Although he hates change, he is perfectly capable of tossing you out on your ear one day and moving in your replacement the next.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

'I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.' Tony Curtis (Born June 3)

He is simply irresistible. The Gemini man is a fun-loving, independent, roguish romantic who has a doctorate in flirting. He can cook an exotic dinner. Then dance with you in the starlight, point out the constellations, and capture your heart with his beautiful version of their myths. But don't invite the wedding guests yet. While you are mentally compiling the guest list, he will excuse himself to get you a fresh glass of chilled wine, and while in the kitchen, manage to phone three other girls for dates next weekend. The only thing this schmoozing, womanising, party animal is interested in is adding your phone number and bra size to his ever-increasing list of victims.

Gemini movie star Errol Flynn was long regarded as the black sheep of Hollywood. The phrase 'in like Flynn' was coined as tribute to his ability to score. His real-life adventures, rebellions, and general unruliness rivalled those of the swashbuckling heroes he portrayed. Flynn was married three times and cheated on all of his wives. His first wife, French actress Lily Damita, said, 'You never know when he's telling the truth. He lies for the fun of it.' His life was one of cheerful excess. But, by his late forties, his hurricane-force existence had taken its toll, and he was a burned-out shell of his former, lively self. Flynn died of a heart attack at 50.

Your Twin will probably not be quite as bad, but all Gemini men have a gypsy moth's fatal attraction to a pretty face. Totally faithful Gems do exist, but are rarer than a shy Sagittarius. In fact, the word 'faithful' has a different meaning to a Gemini man. Think of Gemini Brigham Young, the Mormon founder of Salt Lake, who had 27 wives. I'm sure that, in his mind, Brother Brigham considered himself a devoted and faithful husband. In my mind, he was in Gemini paradise.

Yours will have five hobbies, four careers, and an assortment of friends that resemble a mini-United Nations. But, his intellectual prowess is limited to his ability to memorise the various versions of Trivial Pursuit and entertaining his friends by tearing you to pieces with his merciless, acerbic tongue. He lives to put down people, and will call you fat ass in public, or snap his fingers at you when his glass is empty. Cold-hearted and calculating, he is a blatant social climber and will propose on the first date if he smells money. As a husband, he is ambivalent. The only thing this guy's passionate about is being entertained.

If you think love means being together at least some of the time, sharing dinner, and watching TV, you had better find yourself a homey Cancer, or a quiet Virgo, and send this horny hound dog packing. Or you could look on the bright side. You may be hysterical and freaked out half the time, but you'll never be bored.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

'I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.' Hunter S Thompson (Born July 18)

The first thing you'll notice is his genuine, and adorable, smile. The Cancer man is sweet, chivalrous, and has a wonderfully off-beat sense of humour that can be downright loony. He is sentimental, sensual, and truly affectionate. He is a traditionalist who respects the proprieties of courtship, believes in family and forever, and he's absolutely the best snuggle-bunny in the universe.

You may see an ideal mate, but what you get is an ideal stalker. A male Crab's idea of devotion is bonding at the hip, so unless you are prepared to become his Siamese twin, run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. In bed he is tender, but so passive that you'll soon tire of always being on top.

His devotion is legendary. However, don't say 'I do' until you understand that this extends to every friend and relative he's ever had, especially mother. It's not above him to wait until the honeymoon to tell you she's coming to live with you as soon as you return.

He's subjective. His favourite game is 'Guess How I'm Feeling'. You will be expected to read his mind, sense his moods, and mend his fragile ego, all without benefit of knowing what has upset him. Don't worry. Everything upsets him. Forget to buy toothpaste, and he'll decide you don't love him anymore. Say you want a night out with the girls, and he'll expect divorce papers in the morning.

Conversely, he will be so blind to your feelings that you will soon find yourself thinking of ways to escape. Try talking rationally, and he will become morose and over-emotional. He's so preoccupied with his own sensibilities, and his basic character is so convoluted, that he simply can't believe you don't feel exactly as he does on every issue. He's as moody as the female Crab, and punishes any perceived slight by retreating into his metaphorical shell so he can have a good old pout.

The male Crab is as paranoid about security as the Bull but, in a financial crisis, will expect you to do all that nasty stuff like making a budget or working two jobs to ensure the family's future. He'll be too ill with a case of stressed-induced acne to show his face in public.

He will stop at nothing to get you to agree with his point of view, even if it's only on the best flavour of ice cream. Anything less is total rejection. First, he will explain in excruciating detail why pecan is better than walnut. Next, he'll try his lost boy look to win your acquiescence. If neither tactic works, he will sigh, say he's not hungry, and sit brooding in front of the TV. You better be prepared to either give in or live in silence. Before you gratefully choose the latter, remember silence to a Crab is punctuated with long, mournful sighs, minor to major groans, and frequent whimpering mutters.

A prime example of a male Crab in action is King Henry VIII. When Henry wanted to divorce his first wife, Catherine (a Sagittarius), to marry Gemini Anne Boleyn, you would think that he would have said, 'So be it'. Instead, in typical Cancer style, Henry tried to ensure that everyone in the kingdom agreed with him. He dragged out the barge, visiting his royal advisors up and down the Thames. He petitioned the Pope for an annulment; even encouraged Catherine to say their marriage was never consummated.

When Catherine refused, he locked her in the Tower of London. When the Pope refused, King Crab created the Church of England, installing himself as its secular head. Through alternating displays of temperament and torture, he secured most of his noblemen's support. Then, true to his changeable nature, he had Anne beheaded, in just under three years of marriage, after it had taken him five years to fight the battle to marry her in the first place.

While your Crab will probably not have you dispatched, he is totally capable of blinding himself to everything that doesn't reflect his narrow, ever-changing viewpoint. And you will suffer a tedious display of relentless carping and whining aimed at securing your slavish, unquestioning devotion.

Since you're in a no-win situation anyway, you might as well tell him you like strawberry sherbet, you've just quit your job, and by the way, is that a pimple sprouting on the end of his nose?

Leo (July 23-August 22)

'I make it up all different every time I'm asked.'
Andy Warhol (Born August 6)

A Leo male is warm-hearted, generous, and dignified. He's a genuine romantic you won't have to tempt twice to go for a moonlit stroll or to your favourite hideaway for the weekend. The Lion seeks a mate who is stable, family-oriented, and intelligent. His family adores him, he keeps his friends laughing, and he's always the centre of attention. In the office. In jail. At the beach. He's the centre of attention. Always.

His favourite game is Commander-in-Chief. A Leo will snap off orders with the crispness of a general ordering his troops and expect you to move at double time to wait on him hand and foot. He demands to be rewarded for coming home in the evening, and he demands your respect, whether he deserves it or not. Should he remember your birthday, nothing but a blatant display of fawning will satisfy his ego.

He rarely loses his temper as long as you call him 'master' while bowing in respect. Challenge his authority, and he will roar, kick the sofa, and issue a couple of ultimatums designed to strike fear in your heart. As soon as the scene is over, everything is forgotten. Be stupid enough to deliberately wound a Lion's pride or, worse, attack his dignity, and you'll soon feel like helpless prey being sized up for dinner.

If he's a quiet Lion, he'll be a benevolent dictator who wants you to hover over him constantly. He'll want you to rub his aching shoulders and tell him how fit, strong, and wonderful he is, no matter what his age or physical condition. He, on the other hand, will not hesitate to tell you that your hair is a mess, your ass is too big, and that you have the intelligence of a gnat. When you burst into tears, he will be genuinely shocked because, in his mind, he was only trying to give you the benefit of his wise counsel.

Study the character of Professor Henry Higgins in Leo George Bernard Shaw's play Pygmalion if you want an object lesson in the character of a male Lion. After berating, humiliating, and lecturing Eliza Doolittle, he refuses to praise her efforts and, instead, takes credit for her success. In typical Leonine befuddlement, Higgins runs shouting for his mother when the girl finally tells him to get lost. Eliza had to be a Capricorn.

In a playful mood, the Lion may act like a clown, but there's nothing easygoing about his nature. Tell him he's being silly, and his mood will change faster than a Cancer under the full moon. Leo wants an audience, not a critic.

He's cocky. At his worst, he's a combination of Felix the Cat and Napoleon on steroids. He'll wear dark glasses at night and make passes at anything that walks, crawls, or slithers. He'll spend money faster than you can earn it. And by the time he's 40, will resemble an aging teenage hoodlum with his beer gut hanging over his too-tight Levi's.

His vanity knows no bounds. He'll have a tattoo on his butt and not hesitate to drop his drawers at the poolroom to show it off. He, of course, thinks he's the world's greatest lover, which he announces to anyone within a 10-decibel range. However, there's really very little to be said. Two words do come to mind -- frequent and enthusiastic. His definition of foreplay is 'Get in the truck'.

Everything about a male Lion is exaggerated. Whether yours is a stuffy, overbearing egotist or a wild and woolly jungle cat, the key to taming a Lion is knowing how to react. Next time he's snarling, lecturing, and posturing in the kitchen because dinner is five minutes late, ignore the fit, smile, and tell him how nice it was of him to fix the neighbour's lawn mower yesterday. He'll start to bluster, puff out his chest, and forget all about chastising you. Then he'll agree it was nice of him. It was damn fine, as a matter of fact. And, during dinner, he'll regale you with the tale of his virtuous deed. It's that attention thing.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

'I'm not afraid to let people know that I'm kind of an idiot.'Terry Bradshaw (Born September 2)

He's faithful, thoughtful, and cool-headed during a crisis. A Virgo man will be home in time for dinner, help you balance the cheque book, and help raise the children. Whether he's as sexy as Sean Connery, or as silly as Peter Sellers, he will always be by your side. He's conscientious, capable, thrifty, kind, and loyal. Sounds like a real boy scout, doesn't he? Well, he is - the bargain basement version.

Life with a male Virgoan is like being pushed into traffic when you don't want to cross the street. Born with a superior attitude and an eye for improving everything except his own conduct, he is as relentless with his fault-finding as a pit bull locked onto a mailman's leg, and just as unsympathetic.

At his worst, he's a classic chauvinist, dismissing what he doesn't believe and believing only what's convenient to his point of view. His one talent for conversation is a non-stop string of criticisms about every facet of your existence, from the way you wear your hair to your coupon-clipping ability. And he won't hesitate to insult your intelligence by demonstrating just how to accomplish either task.

At his best, he has the kind of predictability that will give you sleeping sickness. He'll expect dinner promptly at six, where you will exchange news of the day's events. Then he'll spend an hour with the children, who will go to bed exactly at eight. Next comes an hour of telling you how to improve your housekeeping abilities. Finally, he'll retire to his home office where he'll spend the rest of the evening mumbling over the bills or developing a plan for your self-improvement.

His character is purely idiosyncratic. Every Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and just as peculiar a speech pattern. Many self-made Virgo millionaires are unable to utter a sensible statement.

Throughout his career, legendary Hollywood producer Virgo Samuel Goldwyn adamantly refused to compromise his search for the finest talent, directors, screenwriters, and technical crews. You can't argue with perfection, and The Goldwyn Touch set a standard of excellence that has been seldom, if ever, matched. Sam also had an unmatched Virgo talent for trying to act superior and coming off as a total goofball.

When his secretary asked for permission to destroy files that were more than 10 years old, Goldwyn said, 'Yes, but keep copies'. He's also credited with such gems as, 'Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success,' 'If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking,' and 'True. I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer maybe.'

Argue with yours, and he'll stare at you as if you've just lost your mind, for he can't believe you dared to disagree. Then he will repeat, word by word, the conversation, question, or disagreement that led you to throw the toaster at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were crawling through your brain and will apologise just to shut him up.

You can take comfort in the knowledge that if you are determined to force his hand, you can send him to bed with a tummy ache. The fact that he's pretending to be ill, and he knows you know it, makes no difference. A male Virgo will feign anything from a headache to a heart attack if he feels cornered. He's as loathe to confront a situation as is his opposite, Pisces, but where Pisces fears confrontation itself, Virgo fears facing any unpleasantries about himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush to his side with chicken soup and spoon-feed him. If he can't control you with his superiority, he'll try to by appearing helpless.

If you want romance and love songs, choose any other sign (except Capricorn), because you won't find it with this man. Serve him dinner by candlelight and he'll complain he can't see what he's eating. He'll talk a lot about sex and isn't above leering at the nearest pretty face. However, he's really not into promiscuity, even the legal kind, except on Wednesday and Saturday nights, unless it's tax season, then revise that schedule to Saturday from 9 to 9:15. He's so methodical that you can put a cake in the oven and be assured that his buzzer will go off five minutes before the kitchen timer.

A Virgo man is nervous, nit-picky, and as selfish as a spinster guarding her assets. Emotional scenes baffle and alarm him because he fears losing control. Unless, of course, he plans to lose control, and even then he will try to orchestrate the outcome. Like Mr Spock, too much unbridled passion makes his brain melt.