You've chosen each other, but you certainly haven't chosen each other's parents. Matt Whyman puts forward the male perspective

Love or loathe them, your in-laws are here to stay. Whatever issues you may have with your partner's parents, chances are your other half can match them.

'They're here for the week, OK?'
In-law jokes are as old as the hills, and a sure sign that we're not the first to come into conflict with your partner's parents. There are many reasons why we find it hard to adore your folks with the same passion we reserve for you, but it always boils down to the impact we feel they have on the relationship. They are the 'third party', after all, and bound to be an influence. The problems arise when we feel this influence becomes invasive, but aren't able to express ourselves without risking an almighty row.

'Love me, love my parents!'
We don't choose our in-laws. There is no passionate love affair to be had here. It's you who mean the world to us, but still your parents come as part of the package. Issues often arise because we just cannot bring ourselves to embrace them as some kind of surrogate mother and father. As soon as you ask why, we're into upbringing comparisons and shouting escalation scenarios. It's all down to torn loyalties, of course, which can make it near impossible to have a calm and rational discussion.

'It's only a cup of tea.'
It's fair to say that the majority of in-laws aren't the monsters we make them out to be. Most people are decent human beings, even if we do like to roll our eyes at the very mention of the mother-in-law, and paint a picture of some fire-breathing old boot with a chip on both shoulders. But if men stop to think about the major difficulties we have with the parents of their beloved, chances are they all started out as minor irritations. Whether it's her habit of nattering over the news roundup, or his inability to make a decent cup of tea, these things can escalate if all we do is seethe.

If you don't feel able to make light of such moments in private with him - which can only clear the air - you need to step back from the situation together and look at things from a fresh perspective. Encourage him to reserve some space for himself. Nobody's going to complain if he 'nips out to buy a newspaper' if it guarantees he'll come home smiling.

'About your mother?'
Making a bad cup of tea is one thing, making out we're not good enough for their precious child is another. Tackling big in-law issues isn't easy for men, which is why we often just brood in silence. We're on dangerous ground by default, but you have to speak up for everyone to be happy. The key is to have that conversation long before he explodes because your folks have invited themselves on holiday with you (again) - at a time when the two of you are alone, calm and relaxed. You just know any suggestion that he's being unreasonable will lead to one of you sleeping on the sofa, but that won't happen if you look for ways to improve your relationship. OK, so some mother management may be one concession you have to make, but in return feel free to bring in any issues you'd like to overcome concerning his parents, too. Spin it right and I guarantee you won't be yelling nose-to-nose.

Here are the three biggest hazards, with tips on negotiating each one safely:

1. Christmas conflicts
We all know the festive period is a time for families to get together, but what happens when you have two sets to please? Then there are the in-laws who expect you to be with them each and every year, and the kind who enjoy keeping things traditional: i.e. lots of church and no telly.Keep the peace: If everyone wants a bit of you, consider planning ahead by a couple of years: spending one Christmas at your parents and one at your in-laws, while reserving one year for yourselves. Alternatively, divide up the holiday period in the same way, so you spend time with all involved. Just be consistent, and reserve quality time for the two of you.

2. The in-laws are impossible to please
We all live by different standards, but there are some who expect you to live by their code - and it's almost always in-laws! Whether it's the state of your cooking or his career, there's nothing more soul-destroying than one of you being made to feel like some kind of failure.Keep the peace: Agree to throw yourselves into the time spent with them, and do everything you can to revise their opinion - but once that visit is over, the relationship has to come first. Set up this kind of boundary, and you won't feel so invaded.

3. He's dragged into family arguments
You know the drill: your parents call at a bad time, interrupting a peaceful night in; within minutes you're yelling down the line. But they're first to hang up. As a result, you're left feeling tense and snappy - and look to him with puppy dog eyes when the phone rings again.Keep the peace: This is one time where it's unfair to involve your other half - or hide behind him. By all means use him as a sounding board, or even a shoulder to cry on, but ultimately you have to resolve any differences - just as he should with his folks. As for the persistent phone calls, at least your answer machine can represent you both. It could even save a strained relationship!