Emotionally unavailable men - they can hurt. June's in love with Peter, but he won't commit. Cadillac Carter tells the two sides of their story

We all know at least one emotionally unavailable man. Some of us even try to live with them, or even marry them. Millions of us around the world are in love with them. The casualty rate around these men is high - they break hearts as easily as they walk away. No matter how much you try to avoid them, they bounce around the next corner waiting to dazzle you with their charm. There is not a woman in the land who has not encountered an EUM with the emotional maturity of a one-year old.

Refusal to commit
But why do some men refuse to commit and live up to the expectations of the women who love them? 'Simply because we are different,' argues Dr Philip Cox, a London based psychotherapist.' Men like the chase, and love to chase after something they can't have. Once they've got it, it loses its allure.'

According to Dr Cox, EUM's are only doing what they are biologically primedto do. 'We have only been living the life we have been living for about 2000years. For millions of years before that, men had a quick screw and moved on.The reason why men find it hard to commit is because they are wired not tocommit. Some men can fall in love and stay with that person, because they have learnt to override their biological programming.'

June's story - The EUM experience
Independent and strong, June Philips, 35, gives the impression she wouldn't give an EUM the time of day, but here she is chain smoking, hands trembling, continually on the verge of tears. Her lover, Peter, has just walked out of the door after a passionate weekend together at her East London home. Once again, June, a speech therapist, is left feeling confused, hurt and more in love with the man than ever. 'We've had a fantastic weekend, but I am left wondering when I will see him again, if at all. Yet again, just before leaving he tells me he doesn't love me, it's just sex and nothing else. Two weeks ago he was saying I was the centre of his universe,' she says.So why does she hang on to the relationship? 'Because life feels meaningless without Peter.'

June met Peter several times at a mutual friend's house in Northamptonshire, before falling in love with him last year. 'He invited me to his workshop - he's a carpenter. It was a hot steamy day and seeing someone very creative bathed in sweat and immersed in his work is very attractive. I was seeing him in his element. We sat on a log outside and I remember thinking how sexy he was. He pulled me to him and kissed me on my cheek. Later we made love and the whole thing blew my mind. When I woke up the next day I realised I was in love with him. The rest of the day I was speechless and in shock.'

Soon afterwards they spent a couple of weekends together. 'Peter was ambivalent and not very attentive, but I was overwhelmed by my feelings for him. We seemed to connect at a very deep level,' she says.

During one of his visits, Peter admitted he had strong feelings for June. But within months, on the last night of a lovely camping holiday together, ten minutes after making love, he got up and said, 'This isn't going anywhere.' Peter told her she wasn't part of his future plans and that apart from sex, they had nothing in common.

After a long period when he would not talk to her, and refused to answer her calls, there was a sudden flurry of letters and phone calls from him. Peter drew June back into the relationship, saying he couldn't bear to be without her. 'By then I was realising what a troubled soul he was, but I still loved him. I agreed to spend the weekend with him, but I am still not sure where all this is leading me. Do we go on like this, on his terms, with the occasional weekend visits until I get the commitment from him that I want, or will he always set the agenda, making sure I never get too close?'

Peter's story - the EUM
To be frank, Peter is something of a disappointment. He's not as dashing oras charming as June described him, but he has an easy smile and looks alot younger than 40. He is reluctant to talk about his relationship with June,but agrees that he hasn't behaved well. 'I've never been a person to committo anything, except my children,' he says. But he does have a track record;he lived with one woman for l5 years before she left him, and has hadseveral relationship since, none lasting for more than six months. 'Evenwhen I was living with someone for l5 years I still liked to feel I wasfree. That didn't necessarily mean having other women - which, of course,I did. It meant living as much of a bachelor life as possible, without theresponsibilities of a married man.'

Is he saying that he likes to keep his options open as far as other women are concerned? He says he doesn't know. 'Having your freedom as a man doesn't necessarily mean you are going to jump into bed with every womanyou clap your eyes on,' he says.

Peter doesn't know why he is so afraid of commitment. 'I guess its not mycharacter. I won't change,' he says, shrugging his shoulders. But, why after his long-term relationship ended, and in-between the several times he has finished with June, has he gone on drink and drug binges? 'I'm not a heartless person. It is very painful when I separate from someone I like. Getting out of my head helps,' he admits.

The psychologist's conclusion
As far as clinical psychologist, Ron Bracey, is concerned, June is the one with the biggest problems in the relationship. 'Relationships are never constant. Nothing is. One day the weather is fantastic and next day it's bleak. Relationships are like that, and people oscillate from day to day, depending on their mood or broader things. Peter is being honest when he tells her one-day, he feels like this, and on another, it's like that. But it's hard for her when he's not being consistent. If he is with her just for sex, he should make that clear, so that she can say yes, or no - I want more than this.'

From his experience of dealing with EUMs, there is not much of a chancethat Peter will change. 'A lot of people just muddle through and are stuck in'uncomfortable comfort traps.'' It's too uncomfortable for them to be changing into something that might be even more uncomfortable, so they keep ongoing as they are. I suspect Peter might be one of these types.'

But according to Dr Cox, EUMs can change. 'But usually only when they have had someawful experience and burn out. They are stopped in their tracks and theyrealise they can't go on as they are devastating theirs, and others lives.'

Have you ever been involved with an EUM?